You’re a woman, I’m a machine

So in my last post, I talked about how I’m not out at work.

I would prefer that everyone know. I understand, that it’s not possible, not always safe, ideal, or whatever other reason there may be at the time.

I always get a little nervous though when there is a possibility that someone knows and just doesn’t say anything, has an idea but isn’t sure, or has the possibility of finding out. The last thing that I want is for someone to feel that I have lied to them.

Not for their benefit by any means. I could give a good shit how they feel about it. My biggest concern is the safety of my wife and I. The last thing that I want is for someone to feel like I have lied to them, or tried to pull the wool over their eyes, or something stupid, and get hostile.

When I speak to people that may or may not know, that I have not confirmed with them, I make sure that I never say things like “when I was a little boy” or even use male pronouns for myself. That way, no one can ever come back at me and say, you lied to me! or you ‘re being deceptive! I can simply say, “nope, I never said anything to you. You assumed by looking at me that I was male, and hence you used the pronouns that you felt were appropriate. That’s all on you. I just never correct you.” This may not make someone who is unreasonable like this feel any better, but it feels better to me. And I can stand by the fact that I never lied to them, or mislead them about anything.

Also, it feels more comfortable to me. I don’t like feeling like I am abandoning the female part of myself. That was a big issue that I was having with my transition. Aside from time, another reason I was having an issue keeping up with the blog for a while. I felt like my transition was meant to erase my past as a female. And though I don’t feel like a female I didn’t want that part of me erased. Becuase I also don’t feel male. I am happy being this in between person. I wish I could come out as in between in the general world, but I do not have the energy or strength to have that conversation with everyone I meet, every. single. day.

I have however been able to embrace this in-between-queer-person. With this, I have also embraced my given name. I still go by Wes in general, but at doctors and such I have started not correcting people when my legal name is used. I have even at times introduced myself as my given name. It feels empowering.

When I was a kid I hated my name, I’ve never really been fond of it. To make me feel better my mom used to tell me that it used to be a “southern gentleman’s” name. My middle name is from a Harlequin romance novel my grandma was reading while my mom was in labor. Both of my names are very girly. But my middle name is French, so Kass and I came up with a good cover story. My family is Cajun-French from Louisiana (I lived in Louisiana for a while, so no questions there), and it was my great-grandfather’s name. My dad was close to him and wanted to honor him. Simple and reasonable. But no one has ever even asked for an explanation. And when we say my name, we just say it matter-of-fact and no one questions it. And sometimes when people call for me, or say something to Kass about me and allude to me being female she will say something about oh, you mean my husband? They aways look or sound real confused and like they feel stupid. Which is always fun.

I wish that transitioning was easier. Like any rebirth it is a process, with many more nuances that you could ever prepare yourself for.

 

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I said I want a full house…

…they said you got it dude.

So about 3 years ago I posted about not being out at work and how hard that was for me. No one knew I was trans and still called me by my given name and still referred to me by female pronouns. I was really struggling.

It’s crazy how different things are now. I’ve been at my current job for nearly 2 years and I’ve only come out to HR, and one person that doesn’t work there anymore. While I think there are some people that know or are suspicious, no one has said anything. And since I’ve been there, two transwoman have come out. One in my department, and one that used to work in my department. Makes me feel good because when they both came out I really kept my ears open and no one said anything. At all. It was really reassuring.

I have decided though that I am not going to come out. I just feel more comfortable if it is not an open topic. Also, it’s no one’s business but my own.

But now I’m applying for a promotion and I’m really glad that I haven’t come out. Or made it official for anyone. I don’t want anything to undermine my skills, qualifications, or anything else. I desperately want this promotion. Right now I do technical support over the phone. Which is a great job; it pays good, most of the people I talk to are decent, it’s way better than Comcast, I like most of my co-workers, and my supervisor is freaking awesome. I’m just so tired of being on the phones. Also, I am really ready to advance my career. Even if this isn’t in my field. I’ve been doing a lot of research on resumes, objectives, and cover letters and how to sell your experience for a job that you have no experience in when you’re making a career change. I think I did a really good job with that. Now I’m just waiting, anxiously, to find out if they will interview me.

Now I’m just waiting, anxiously, to find out if they will interview me.

Til 3005 I’ll be right by your side

So we don’t really do resolutions. If we’re going to do it, we do it. If we don’t, we don’t. For us getting fit, exercising more, eating better, etc., starts Monday. Not next year.

But this year we thought that we would try something a little different. Basically, we’re going to stop spending money on anything that’s not a necessity or an experience. We like to buy things. A lot. So we’ve decided that a least for the next year, we’re just not going to buy that extra stuff we don’t need.

I’ve also been meaning to sell some extra stuff that we don’t use. It’ll just help free up some space in the apartment, and we can stick it in savings.

I’ve also been working some extra jobs delivering. I usually deliver though DoorDash. I get to spend time in my car driving around listening to music, sometimes Kass comes with and we spend time together. It’s super easy and I do it whenever I want, which I really like. I just can’t commit to a second job.

We’re trying to save some money to buy a house or move or something, or both.

Awaken, My Love!

So blogging has not been going like I’d like it. I either just don’t have the time or don’t feel like thinking enough when I do have the time.

This year has been super eventful, though. Kass and I took a road trip to Montreal in July to Osheaga. It’s a super big music festival. It was so awesome. We got to see Wolf Parade, Haim, Cypres Hill, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Lana Del Rey. We saw several others, but there were so many. We missed the whole day on Sunday (I wanted to see Leon Bridges so bad) because we both got food poisoning so something equally awful. We got up and went to breakfast at this cute little place called The Breakfast Club, and by the time we were done eating we couldn’t decide if we wanted to pass out or die. Since we were leaving on Monday we decided that we should just hang out in the hotel, so we slept all day.

Aside from that, we’ve decided that we’re not huge fans of Canada (sorry, Canada). We really wanted to be, honestly. We both thought that once we got there we would never want to leave. We were disappointed that didn’t happen. We just met so many rude people, both of our hotels charged us twice, we got food poisoning (which isn’t Canada’s fault, we get that, but it still taints your experience), we were almost killed by an insane cabbie, and my credit card info got stolen. Pretty sure it was when we were in the crowd at Osheaga since in Canada they hand the credit card scanner to you and never handle your card. We got back home on Wednesday and opened the bank account on Friday to go over bills and there was almost $1,200 missing. Someone went to some women’s boutiques and shoe stores, a jewelry store, McDonald’s, and a strip club. So we called and since I had been using my card at all my normal places at home, (coffee shops, grocery store, etc.) and she could tell a card was swiped, the bank had no problem reversing the charges, getting me a new card, and putting the money back in our account right away. But the lady we talked to said that was the fastest she had ever seen a fake card made and used. Great.

In November we went to Canun. We got a LivingSocial deal so we saved a ton at an all-inclusive, adults only resort. Literally never wanted to leave. Kass even looked for jobs in her field before we left. We had planned to do a ton of things, but when we got there we were so exhausted from work and politics (we left the day after the election) we just relaxed. We did get to drive a speed boat through the jungle and go snorkeling. That was amazing. We got to see two pieces of the underwater coral museum. Otherwise, we just swam in the ocean and the pools, drank, ate, and relaxed. We even had our own dip pool on the balcony of our room. We spent a ton of time naked in there. Totally could have moved into that room.

We spent Thanksgiving with some family. Kass’ cousin and wife and my cousin and her boyfriend live in Milwaukee, so we drove there and stayed in a hotel for the holiday. It was really nice to spend time with family. We haven’t done it in so long. Christmas and New Years we just spent at the house and relaxed.

Back in the saddle

So I have not been good at writing lately.

But I have good news because after a lot of tests, the doctors finally figured out what was wrong with me.

My gallbladder was only functioning at 13%. So December 17th they removed it. It’s been great. No more mystery side pain. No sickness after every time I eat. Almost no heartburn. And surprisingly, almost no more migraines. I’ve had maybe three or four since my surgery. I usually get that many (or more) in a week. It’s been almost life changing.

I still have days like yesterday where I wake up so nauseous I can hardly function for about two hours. Or like today where I have zero appetite and the thought of food makes me ill. But apparently those are because of the bile my liver is pumping directly into my stomach instead of the gallbladder holding onto it. I guess it makes you sick if theres too much of it.

So I didn’t really cook for a while. And then after my surgery I hardly ate and then it took me a while to really want to cook again. So we ate a lot of Boca and MorningStar stuff. Or pizza. There’s a FamilyVideo/pizza place like two blocks from us and they will deliver movies with your pizza. And return your movies when they go. So, sometimes we’re weak and do that…

But I am trying really hard to start a fitness routine. Currently I am embarking on the 30 Days: 5,000 Kettlebell Swings challenge. I just finished day 3 and boy can I feel it. But it’s awesome because Friday I felt like I was going to die doing 45 in a row. Yesterday I did 55 in a row and the about 20 minutes later did another 10 and then immediately did 70 in a row. Today I plowed through 80. I’m taking a rest because I am not feeling well, like I said, and then I’m going to try and do another set of about 40. Right now I’m using a 15 lb kettlebell, and when I finish this challenge I’m going to try the 30 Days: 10,000 Kettlebell Swings challenge. Then I think I’ll purchase a 35 lb kettlebell and start over. I’m really feeling it in my thighs, groin, and lower back. I’m excited to feel it in my lower back because I really need to build some strength there to help with old injuries. But once I get into training myself to workout every day I’m really wanting to build more muscle. My desire is to become like my fitness god, Joe Manganiello. I mean look at this man:

Are you kidding me right now, Joe? #LifeGoals

Next post I plan on posting updates on changes and what not and I’ll do a little update on my kettlebell routine and let you know if it’s killing me or not.

Until then!

-Wes

Doctor Doctor

Thursday I have to have a colonoscopy and another endoscopy.

I’m technically three years overdue for my colonoscopy. Three years ago my dad was having some issues, so he went to the doctor. They decided to do a colonoscopy and say some polyps. They took care of those and screened them and they were pre-cancerous. So they were going to go in and take out 2-inches of his colon. When they got in there it was worse than they thought, and they ended up taking out 22-inches. He was in the ICU for a month because his bowels ended up getting twisted and they didn’t realize for almost 3 weeks. He ended up having another surgery to resolve the issue.

His doctor told him that since he was so young (48 at the time) it was necessary that his siblings and his kid get a colonoscopy right away. I’ve put it off and put it off.

At first it was just because I was like hey, I’m 24. I’ll be totally fine. Then it became that I avoided it out of fear. I had an endoscopy around the time that he had his surgery for an ulcer and they didn’t put me under enough. Then instead of keeping me quite, they kept talking to me, much like a dentist does when they’re in your mouth. Except there was this tube down my throat. So I kept gagging and panicking. Then after coming out as trans, I really hate the idea of people being down there.

But then I started to have the same symptoms that he had. I’ve been really sick lately. Which is part of the reason I started a mainly vegan diet. Sometimes it seems like meat is the issue. Sometimes I seem lactose-intolerant. Sometimes I seem gluten-intolerant. Often after eating, no matter what it is, I am very ill for several hours.

But I found a really great lesbian doctor that knows the gastro doctor and says she trusts her 100%. She even said that she would talk to her for me before my appointment so I wouldn’t have to come out to her myself. Which makes me so very happy. And they are going to use MAC sedation so I will be out. Kass isn’t thrilled with this, and really wants to be in the room, but I really don’t want her to see me like that. I just keep assuring her (and myself) that everything will be fine, and there wont be any funny business. Or mocking.

So now I am preparing for about two and a half days of no eating, and lots of broth, jell-o, and Miralax-spiked-Gatorade.

Wish me luck.

-Wes

I never meant to be the greatest….

…I only ever wanted to be your baby.

I have been absent from my blog for far too long.

Lately I have thought a lot about blogging but have just not gotten around/taken the time to do it.

I always find something more important/less important to do.

Kass and I are celebrating our two year wedding anniversary at the end of the month. Last month we celebrated six years together. We’re doing really good. We, of course, have our ups and downs, but things are good. We just moved into a new place in July that we both really like. We turned the dining room into office space for the both of us, so we each have a nice deck and fancy matching chairs. We’re slowly decorating the place.

I’ve been cooking more, which I really enjoy. Most of the time.

Sometimes I just hate cooking.

But our new kitchen has so much more space its amazing.

We even started a little garden on our balcony. Mostly herbs this year, because we weren’t sure how it would go. And all the Bonnie’s tomato plants we bought, or attempted to buy, had blight. We talked to someone at Lowe’s and she said that pretty much every plant she saw from them had blight this year. So that was a no go. But I planted basil, oregano, sweet mint, peppermint, dill, thyme. And some roses. And then just some pretty wild flowers. It made the balcony so beautiful.

So I’ve been doing a lot of cooking in the new space, and using a lot of the herbs. Everything has been so fresh and tasty. And I’ve been doing mostly vegan cooking with has been really nice. Really adds to the freshness. I’ve been experimenting more and I think that I’m getting much better at cooking. It really awesome to spend time working on something and then have it come out to look and taste so amazing.

I’ve actually been thinking about creating a (mostly)vegan/diet/trans blog. Probably joined with this one. Maybe not. I’m thinking that maybe if I get a blog going maybe it will help me a little on days that I just want to cook shite. And also maybe it will keep me on track because I’m really trying to lose weight. And I would really like a trans fitness buddy, so I’m thinking maybe it will connect me with other trans folks who are also looking for the same thing. I really need the motivation. I’m not expecting them to push me, but I’m hoping that if I have someone relying on me, and I’m relying on them we can give each other props and maybe I’ll make a good friend at the same time.

I’m almost at a year a 11 months on T. It feels weird to think about.

I just feel like I’m in this weird mismatched gender limbo.

Sometimes I just wish that people inherently knew that I was trans, and wasn’t a boy or a girl. I just am.

2+ years in I’m still having a hard time getting used to everything. It catches me off guard when people call me ‘he’ or ‘sir.’ Sometimes I still get a little offended, and then I’m like, Oh right. I have a (one notch above shabby) beard. Of course you think I’m a ‘sir.’ Based on the signals I’m sending you, that’s what you’re supposed to think.

I don’t know. It’s still just very hard for me. I don’t know why. Kass has adjusted very well. She is having a much easier time with it than I am. I guess I maybe have this internalized transphobia. It wouldn’t hurt to know more people like myself. To have people that I can talk to. But I have a hard time liking and trusting people. The ones that I do end up liking and trusting end up being assholes. Trans, and cis alike.

And I’m lost like all of my guy friends from before. I mean, I had like three. Not a ton. Then I had like one. And he’s just kind of fallen off the face of the earth. I feel so alone. Sometimes I wish that I had someone to talk to. Aside from Kass. I tell her most everything. But sometimes I just wish I had a guy I could talk to. Or another trans guy that knew what I felt. In my head it feels like it would make things feel a little better.

On the plus side, my beard is filling in. Sadly though, I’m already getting grey whiskers. It’s so sad. I just get it and it’s already turning grey. But I’m not quite 28, and am already seriously considering getting some Just for Me. So I guess it would make sense that my beard is just following suite.

I also get a lot of whiskers that fall out. I always get several on my desk throughout the day, and they look like little wiry pubes. It always freaks me out for a second,

Who rubbed their ball sack on my desk?!

Oh, wait. That’s just from my beard.

So there’s that.

-Wes