Kass and I are going out on a date tonight. We’re going to dinner and to see Arcade Fire.
We haven’t been able to really go out out in a while, we’re either too busy with work and school or we were kinda broke for a while after paying for our wedding ourselves.
I’m excited to be able to spend this time with her tonight. I’m also feeling really good because we get to dress up and I usually feel more confident dressed up than down. Also, I got my hair cut today which always makes me feel so much better about myself. A nice high and tight with a deep fade and my part buzzed in. Very classic.
The hair and clothes make the man.
I’ve been outed more and more at work. Which is a good thing, and I generally haven’t had to do it. People either get it from my name change or they have heard around the way.
One of the supervisors at work came up to me the other night and told me that he really liked my name choice and asked me how it felt to be able to be myself. He told me that he thought it was really great that against all odds and judgement I could just be my true authentic self and that he thought I was very brave and a hero.
I am grateful that I am receiving such positive feedback from people, but I am also very awkward because I do not feel like I am anything near a hero. I also feel a little bothered that I have to be brave or be viewed as brave. Why does being ones true authentic self have to be viewed as an act of bravery and valor? Why do others have to make it such a feat of strength to be yourself?
I have also been experiencing a lot of male privilege lately. Only on the phone at work, but that’s where I spend most of my time. My name and deepening voice passes for most people. The people that do still hear the female tones though ma’am me like nobodies business. I feel like they are sitting on the other end of the phone like, “oh, I know your game…. ma’am.”
But for most people they don’t even question it. And I have generally been treated so nice. People used to argue with me about what I could and couldn’t do for them and would demand things from me and argue with me about everything. It has really lessened. They will generally ask me “are you sure you can’t do xyz?” and I will tell them, yes I’m sure, and they will take it. It is nice to not have to argue constantly.
But I feel so much guilt over my male privilege. I have had to fight so hard to be seen and heard as a woman, and I know my wife still has to do it and all other women have to. But now I don’t. I now am getting it easier. And I feel like I don’t deserve it. Like I should still be fighting right along with them.
I was trying to explain it to the not-so-informed lesbian that I work with the other day and she told me not to act so hard on myself and that I deserved it and was owed it and this was who I was and felt that I should be so I shouldn’t try to take it away from myself and yadda yadda yadda…
I tried so hard to explain that I wasn’t feeling guilty over being trans*, I was feeling guilty over my new found ease in dealing with people. That because people perceived me as a male I was ‘in’ and my thoughts we acceptable. But that if these same people were dealing with me face to face it would be totally different and they might feel cheated and lied to. But of course, she didn’t understand. Thankfully my wife gets it though. Or I think I would go mad. But she doesn’t think I should feel guilty either, but that I should enjoy it. And use it to my and women’s advantage. And I agree.
I will use my male powers for good!
Also, I’ve been keeping a list of all the fun things I’ve been called this week:
- Hero (I saved a sweet little old lady a ton of money on her bill)
- A gentleman and a scholar (same with this little old lady)
- Dude (in a fratish, respectable sort of way)
I think that’s all of them. I loved the gentleman and a scholar. She told me that like four times. It was great.
Well, Kass is about ready so we are heading out.