You’re a woman, I’m a machine

So in my last post, I talked about how I’m not out at work.

I would prefer that everyone know. I understand, that it’s not possible, not always safe, ideal, or whatever other reason there may be at the time.

I always get a little nervous though when there is a possibility that someone knows and just doesn’t say anything, has an idea but isn’t sure, or has the possibility of finding out. The last thing that I want is for someone to feel that I have lied to them.

Not for their benefit by any means. I could give a good shit how they feel about it. My biggest concern is the safety of my wife and I. The last thing that I want is for someone to feel like I have lied to them, or tried to pull the wool over their eyes, or something stupid, and get hostile.

When I speak to people that may or may not know, that I have not confirmed with them, I make sure that I never say things like “when I was a little boy” or even use male pronouns for myself. That way, no one can ever come back at me and say, you lied to me! or you ‘re being deceptive! I can simply say, “nope, I never said anything to you. You assumed by looking at me that I was male, and hence you used the pronouns that you felt were appropriate. That’s all on you. I just never correct you.” This may not make someone who is unreasonable like this feel any better, but it feels better to me. And I can stand by the fact that I never lied to them, or mislead them about anything.

Also, it feels more comfortable to me. I don’t like feeling like I am abandoning the female part of myself. That was a big issue that I was having with my transition. Aside from time, another reason I was having an issue keeping up with the blog for a while. I felt like my transition was meant to erase my past as a female. And though I don’t feel like a female I didn’t want that part of me erased. Becuase I also don’t feel male. I am happy being this in between person. I wish I could come out as in between in the general world, but I do not have the energy or strength to have that conversation with everyone I meet, every. single. day.

I have however been able to embrace this in-between-queer-person. With this, I have also embraced my given name. I still go by Wes in general, but at doctors and such I have started not correcting people when my legal name is used. I have even at times introduced myself as my given name. It feels empowering.

When I was a kid I hated my name, I’ve never really been fond of it. To make me feel better my mom used to tell me that it used to be a “southern gentleman’s” name. My middle name is from a Harlequin romance novel my grandma was reading while my mom was in labor. Both of my names are very girly. But my middle name is French, so Kass and I came up with a good cover story. My family is Cajun-French from Louisiana (I lived in Louisiana for a while, so no questions there), and it was my great-grandfather’s name. My dad was close to him and wanted to honor him. Simple and reasonable. But no one has ever even asked for an explanation. And when we say my name, we just say it matter-of-fact and no one questions it. And sometimes when people call for me, or say something to Kass about me and allude to me being female she will say something about oh, you mean my husband? They aways look or sound real confused and like they feel stupid. Which is always fun.

I wish that transitioning was easier. Like any rebirth it is a process, with many more nuances that you could ever prepare yourself for.

 

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