I said I want a full house…

…they said you got it dude.

So about 3 years ago I posted about not being out at work and how hard that was for me. No one knew I was trans and still called me by my given name and still referred to me by female pronouns. I was really struggling.

It’s crazy how different things are now. I’ve been at my current job for nearly 2 years and I’ve only come out to HR, and one person that doesn’t work there anymore. While I think there are some people that know or are suspicious, no one has said anything. And since I’ve been there, two transwoman have come out. One in my department, and one that used to work in my department. Makes me feel good because when they both came out I really kept my ears open and no one said anything. At all. It was really reassuring.

I have decided though that I am not going to come out. I just feel more comfortable if it is not an open topic. Also, it’s no one’s business but my own.

But now I’m applying for a promotion and I’m really glad that I haven’t come out. Or made it official for anyone. I don’t want anything to undermine my skills, qualifications, or anything else. I desperately want this promotion. Right now I do technical support over the phone. Which is a great job; it pays good, most of the people I talk to are decent, it’s way better than Comcast, I like most of my co-workers, and my supervisor is freaking awesome. I’m just so tired of being on the phones. Also, I am really ready to advance my career. Even if this isn’t in my field. I’ve been doing a lot of research on resumes, objectives, and cover letters and how to sell your experience for a job that you have no experience in when you’re making a career change. I think I did a really good job with that. Now I’m just waiting, anxiously, to find out if they will interview me.

Now I’m just waiting, anxiously, to find out if they will interview me.

First week at work. Success.

So my first week at my new job has been super successful. I’m just in training now, but I think that I am going to like it so much better than my last job. Which, now that I don’t work there… was Comcast. It was a decent job, don’t get me wrong. Good pay, and free internet and cable. Which is awesome. But the work was so stressful. The stuff that always changed. And the customers. The customers are awful, horrible people. You wonder why Comcast employees suck so much? It’s because out of 60+ calls a day, more than 3/4 of them people are cussing us out, telling us how stupid and awful we are, calling us horrible names, etc. etc. etc. It starts to make you angry and hateful. I argue with everyone just because I can, because I (technically) can’t argue with my customers. I tried to be as nice and respectful as I could, because I needed that job. But after three years and a month, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I used my three weeks of vacation time up, then I called in for the last week and a half. So I had a ton of time of to just relax and destress and now I’ve started this new job doing tech support for the onboard computers for truckers. I feel like a whole new person. I feel nicer, and calmer, and like myself again. And though I haven’t taken any calls yet myself because there is a lot to learn, I’ve listened to a lot of calls in the last week and every single person has been decent or very nice. And the ones that are a little crabby are even decent. It’s so awesome to be respected.

This brings me to another point with my new job. As I stated in my last post I was going in as totally male. This has been a totally new experience. I’ve never been anywhere for a long period of time where everyone assumes, and accepts that I’m male. And now I have finished 7 actual working days and everyone just accepts that I am male. I even invited the only girl in the training class to sit with myself and the other guys during lunch and one of them joked about lunch being no girls allowed. I laughed and said I forgot the rules of the ‘He-Man, Woman-Haters’ club and everyone laughed. I also understand where Kass has said that my mannerisms are no very ‘manly’ or ‘bro’ like, which were both totally fine with, but I’ve noticed that some of the things I do seem to catch people off guard. I also wonder sometimes if I should ‘butch’ it up a little, but I just try to tell myself, this is who I am, why should I care if they think I’m a little femme? But for the most part everyone seems to just roll with it.

Using the restroom at work has been a unique experience as well. I never used the men’s restroom at Comcast, because I was basically told I couldn’t. HR never said it, and I was never officially told I couldn’t, otherwise I would have fought it, but a couple supervisors kind of told me I couldn’t and expressed concern about making people uncomfortable. I stopped using the women’s restroom because that made me uncomfortable. My saving grace was that they had three single stall unisex bathrooms in the building. I sometimes had to run around trying to find one that was open, which was extremely annoying, but I dealt with it because either of the other restrooms felt very unwelcoming. The women stared at me when I used theirs, and I never tried to use the men’s because most people still called me ‘she’ anyway, so it just felt very uncomfortable. At my new job, I still avoid letting people see me when I’m in the restroom. I will wait in the stall until they either leave or go into a stall, and then I wash my hands and get out as soon as I can. I just have so much fear around restrooms and I just can’t shake it.

I also have this feeling of unease at work. I can’t shake the feeling that I am being deceitful or like I am attempting to pull one over on everyone. I can’t help but feel some shame. I have tried to assess these feelings and figure out if it is a little bit of internal transphobia, or if it is just feelings that society has placed on me. I am thinking that it is a little bit of both. I also assessed these feelings when I buddied up with someone today to listen to their calls, and I wondered if he was trans. I found myself really assessing him and judging him. His face had possible original female characteristics, he had the kind of chin/under-chin/chop beard that most trans men (including myself currently) start to grow, and looking at a slightly older looking picture of him and a kid on his desk he looked kind of butch lesbianish. I started to feel really uncomfortable. Then, I realized I was doing all of this and was having these feelings and I really tried to assess my feelings and figure out where they were coming from. I’m not entirely sure. I do think this is something that I need to work at though. I also think it is a bit of internal hatred. Which is hard to handle, but I’m not allowing myself to be too hard on myself about, because I’ve had to deal with a lot as far as my sexuality and gender identity with society and my own family. I recently talked to my grandma, whom I haven’t spoken to in about a year and a half, and I told her I was trans, and I told her I really wanted to have an open dialogue with her about it and she agreed, but all she kept saying was “it’s wrong” and “you’re wrong” and “the bible says it’s not right.” Then she tried to Leviticus “a man shall not lie with a man as he lies with a woman” at me. So I quoted that she shouldn’t eat bacon or wear mixed fabrics. She told me that that was old testament and we don’t follow that anymore. So I told her she couldn’t quote Leviticus at me then. So then she had the gull to quote a piece of scripture at me about how it is against god to lie with your mother or sister. I lost it at this point and told her that she had better not be quoting anything at me about incest (because her first husband, my mom’s dad, used to molest my mom and one of her brothers, and apparently when he was young, his sister. And her second husband molested me as a child.) She told me it wasn’t about incest but dropped fighting about that one. I told her if she could find text in red that backed her up, I would consider believing her, but that I wanted it from the mouth of Jesus, because everyone else in the bible was of the flesh and I wasn’t going to live my life by someone who doesn’t live their life right telling me to live mine a certain way. And the church that she and my parents attend now Rockford Faith Center, one of their main pastors is being charged in federal court for 8 counts of fraud for manufacturing money orders. One of which he gave to the church. So sorry, I’m taking what you say with a grain of salt.

Anyways. That is what is going on with me.

Wes.