First week at work. Success.

So my first week at my new job has been super successful. I’m just in training now, but I think that I am going to like it so much better than my last job. Which, now that I don’t work there… was Comcast. It was a decent job, don’t get me wrong. Good pay, and free internet and cable. Which is awesome. But the work was so stressful. The stuff that always changed. And the customers. The customers are awful, horrible people. You wonder why Comcast employees suck so much? It’s because out of 60+ calls a day, more than 3/4 of them people are cussing us out, telling us how stupid and awful we are, calling us horrible names, etc. etc. etc. It starts to make you angry and hateful. I argue with everyone just because I can, because I (technically) can’t argue with my customers. I tried to be as nice and respectful as I could, because I needed that job. But after three years and a month, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I used my three weeks of vacation time up, then I called in for the last week and a half. So I had a ton of time of to just relax and destress and now I’ve started this new job doing tech support for the onboard computers for truckers. I feel like a whole new person. I feel nicer, and calmer, and like myself again. And though I haven’t taken any calls yet myself because there is a lot to learn, I’ve listened to a lot of calls in the last week and every single person has been decent or very nice. And the ones that are a little crabby are even decent. It’s so awesome to be respected.

This brings me to another point with my new job. As I stated in my last post I was going in as totally male. This has been a totally new experience. I’ve never been anywhere for a long period of time where everyone assumes, and accepts that I’m male. And now I have finished 7 actual working days and everyone just accepts that I am male. I even invited the only girl in the training class to sit with myself and the other guys during lunch and one of them joked about lunch being no girls allowed. I laughed and said I forgot the rules of the ‘He-Man, Woman-Haters’ club and everyone laughed. I also understand where Kass has said that my mannerisms are no very ‘manly’ or ‘bro’ like, which were both totally fine with, but I’ve noticed that some of the things I do seem to catch people off guard. I also wonder sometimes if I should ‘butch’ it up a little, but I just try to tell myself, this is who I am, why should I care if they think I’m a little femme? But for the most part everyone seems to just roll with it.

Using the restroom at work has been a unique experience as well. I never used the men’s restroom at Comcast, because I was basically told I couldn’t. HR never said it, and I was never officially told I couldn’t, otherwise I would have fought it, but a couple supervisors kind of told me I couldn’t and expressed concern about making people uncomfortable. I stopped using the women’s restroom because that made me uncomfortable. My saving grace was that they had three single stall unisex bathrooms in the building. I sometimes had to run around trying to find one that was open, which was extremely annoying, but I dealt with it because either of the other restrooms felt very unwelcoming. The women stared at me when I used theirs, and I never tried to use the men’s because most people still called me ‘she’ anyway, so it just felt very uncomfortable. At my new job, I still avoid letting people see me when I’m in the restroom. I will wait in the stall until they either leave or go into a stall, and then I wash my hands and get out as soon as I can. I just have so much fear around restrooms and I just can’t shake it.

I also have this feeling of unease at work. I can’t shake the feeling that I am being deceitful or like I am attempting to pull one over on everyone. I can’t help but feel some shame. I have tried to assess these feelings and figure out if it is a little bit of internal transphobia, or if it is just feelings that society has placed on me. I am thinking that it is a little bit of both. I also assessed these feelings when I buddied up with someone today to listen to their calls, and I wondered if he was trans. I found myself really assessing him and judging him. His face had possible original female characteristics, he had the kind of chin/under-chin/chop beard that most trans men (including myself currently) start to grow, and looking at a slightly older looking picture of him and a kid on his desk he looked kind of butch lesbianish. I started to feel really uncomfortable. Then, I realized I was doing all of this and was having these feelings and I really tried to assess my feelings and figure out where they were coming from. I’m not entirely sure. I do think this is something that I need to work at though. I also think it is a bit of internal hatred. Which is hard to handle, but I’m not allowing myself to be too hard on myself about, because I’ve had to deal with a lot as far as my sexuality and gender identity with society and my own family. I recently talked to my grandma, whom I haven’t spoken to in about a year and a half, and I told her I was trans, and I told her I really wanted to have an open dialogue with her about it and she agreed, but all she kept saying was “it’s wrong” and “you’re wrong” and “the bible says it’s not right.” Then she tried to Leviticus “a man shall not lie with a man as he lies with a woman” at me. So I quoted that she shouldn’t eat bacon or wear mixed fabrics. She told me that that was old testament and we don’t follow that anymore. So I told her she couldn’t quote Leviticus at me then. So then she had the gull to quote a piece of scripture at me about how it is against god to lie with your mother or sister. I lost it at this point and told her that she had better not be quoting anything at me about incest (because her first husband, my mom’s dad, used to molest my mom and one of her brothers, and apparently when he was young, his sister. And her second husband molested me as a child.) She told me it wasn’t about incest but dropped fighting about that one. I told her if she could find text in red that backed her up, I would consider believing her, but that I wanted it from the mouth of Jesus, because everyone else in the bible was of the flesh and I wasn’t going to live my life by someone who doesn’t live their life right telling me to live mine a certain way. And the church that she and my parents attend now Rockford Faith Center, one of their main pastors is being charged in federal court for 8 counts of fraud for manufacturing money orders. One of which he gave to the church. So sorry, I’m taking what you say with a grain of salt.

Anyways. That is what is going on with me.

Wes.

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I want money, and all your power, and all your glory.

I wanna take you for all that you got.

Ok.

So keeping up with writing has not happened. But. I’m procrastinating with my homework, so this seems as a good a time as any.

Kass and I went to California last June/July. I think I may have written about it. But it was amazing. Probably one of the best experiences I have ever had. I want to move there so bad. The dreariness of winter is killing me. It hasn’t been a bad winter by any means, but I just hate winter so much. And I’m ready to be around sun. Always.

I’m starting a new job on Monday. I’ve been applying for new jobs for the last year or so, but I’ve been super picky because I make decent money, and I carry our insurance. And it is really good insurance. But I just can’t do it anymore. Every day I fantasize about screaming at my asshole customers, ripping my headset off, and bashing my keyboard on my desk. Then as the letters fly around the call center, I jump up on my desk and shout “Fuck all of you!” I then jump off my desk, grab my shit, and walk out in a blaze of glory, fist pumping like Judd Nelson at the end of Breakfast Club.

But really, that probably won’t happen.

My last day is Saturday. They don’t know I’m quitting. I have Sunday off and then I put in for vacation on Monday. Just in case I really hate the new job. But I doubt it. It’s just customer service/tech support for truckers. I’m bomb at that. Not sales. Especially when my job isn’t supposed to be sales. Retention is not supposed to be sales. I’m supposed to make customers happy and feel appreciated, not shove more services down their throats when their already pissed. But giant telecommunications/cable company doesn’t understand this concept. So they’re on my ass because I don’t push sales. But I hate sales. And people call in so pissed at us anyway. I just can’t take it. I know logically I shouldn’t take it personally, but it’s really hard when you take 50+ calls a day and 30 of them call you every name in the book. Day in and day out.

Also, since I started there as female and by my given name, even though I’ve changed it, my name tag is different and everyone knows I’m trans they still call me ‘she’ and by my given name. Which I haven’t gone by in a year and a half. I have a decent scrubby beard coming in, I have a flat blinded chest, and a relatively deep voice, and most people I’m on teams with now didn’t even know my when I went as female. I’m tired of being uncomfortable.

So, because of this I’ve been applying for jobs exclusively as male. I actually got one through a temp agency, which makes me a little uncomfortable. I never go through them because I don’t like the 3 month temporary thing. It makes me uneasy. I originally declined the job. But this lady wanted me so bad that she talked to her supervisor and called me back the next day and offered me $3 more an hour if I would just come interview. So I did. And apparently they loved me. And they called me Weston and ‘he/him’ through the whole interview and every time they introduced me to other people. It was great. My name isn’t legally changed yet because I just haven’t taken the time. And I haven’t decided on a first name. I really wanted to keep my initials LB so I’ve been trying to decide on a new first name. I’ve decided Weston will be my middle name now, and I’m thinking Leonard for my first name. Kass loves that name. I really wanted Lincoln, but every one that I’ve told that too acts like I just barfed on their shoes. I don’t get it. But with Leonard I can go by Leo. And I have this obsession with Leonardo DiCaprio. Sometimes I joke that instead of being transgender, can I be transleonardo? So, this will help that fantasy a smidgeon… without seeming too creepy. So, I’ve been using Leo a little bit to get used to it, and I’m really feeling it. So I think I’m going to be Leonard Weston Ezrah B. I really want to middle names. Don’t Judge me. I’ve always wanted be able to use my initials like W. E. B. Du Bois. But I digress, my new job only knows me as Weston and male. Which makes me happy because I will be able to just use the men’s restrooms, and I know that if anyone she’s me they are being a bigot and I will need to deal with that when that comes up. But it won’t be overtime someone addresses me, which makes me really happy.

I’ve also been passing a lot lately. Which is really surprising to me. Because I do see any difference than two months ago when people kept sheing me. I have to stop for a second. Which some people seem to notice and it’s a little weird. But I have to take a second and make sure they’re talking to me. Or wait for them to think they’ve made a mistake and correct themselves. Which is so awkward. And humiliating.

I’ve been obsessively looking up beards on Pinterest. I just can’t wait until I have something full and awesome. I’ve also been preparing and learning how to properly maintain it and keep it clean, neat, and well shaped. I’m all ready. Kass signed me up for the Dollar Shave Club for Christmas. Their shave butter is amazing and I love their razors. I’m on the bimonthly plan, because I mostly just keep up my neck and cheeks to let it do it’s thing. I have let it go for two weeks though and it’s creeping down my neck pretty good. I think it’ll eventually meet my chest hair. You know, one day when that’s full as well. But that’s really coming in too. And I have a nice line of hair coming in down my belly. And my legs. Don’t even get my started on my leg hair. It’s amazing. My legs have always grown pretty dark and thick hair, but it had probably tripped and my thighs are pretty much covered and it just keeps getting thicker. Sometimes I pull my shorts up and just stare at my thighs. It’s glorious.

I also think my voice has dropped some. I’m not a singer or anything, but there’s a lot of ranges I can’t reach anymore. Just talking or calling my cat or trying to shout, I get this weird cracky, deep, screechy mess that comes out. I’ve always head really weak vocal cords anyway, sometimes just talking at work for 10 hours I start to lose my voice. I have to drink a lot of water, tea, and coffee. But now that my voice is deeper, my vocal cords seem to be able to handle even less.

I’ve also seen a little more growth below the belt. I pump a little. Nothing regularly. But I modified a syringe. I had to get a bigger one because I grew out of the smaller one I had. Which made me happy. I want to purchase one, but I just haven’t yet. It’s probably around 2-2.5 inches at its… fullest.

Kass and I have also gone predominately vegan. I’ve been feeling really good about it. It started because she got me a cookbook, Thug Kitchen (check that shit out), for Christmas that she didn’t realize was vegan. We were both a little apprehensive about it, but the recipes looked so damn good that we were like, ok, let’s give this a shot. It has worked out really well. She has always struggled with eating meat anyway. She has such a moral dilemma over it because of how so many animals are treated. Also, she once dissected a human cadaver in a friends medical class once, and now associates that with the meat she eats. And she sees their fuzzy little faces when she eats meat. I don’t. I’m like ‘hey, it’s a burger. Mmm… burger. This didn’t come from that cute fuzzy cow sitting across the table from me. Here cow, want a bite of my awesome burger? No? Okay, your loss.’ But I’ve noticed that since we have been eating vegan, I’m also become lactose intolerant. Which is odd, because I’ve always eaten a lot of dairy (this originally autocorrected to ‘hair products’. had to leave that in there) products. Now I drink milk or eat cheese and I’m sick for several hours later. It’s kind of a bummer, but I’m realizing that I’m feeling so much better when I’m eating straight vegan. I’ve even moved to getting soy or almond milk in my coffee and lattes. So. I think this is a really good change for me and us.

Whoa. That was long. Thanks if you made it to the bottom!

-Wes.

Down on the West Coast they got a sayin’

It’s been a while since I’ve taken the time to write. Kass is taking time off from the blog as well, so for now I’m taking it over as my own. Though I’m sure she will still pop on every now and then. She’s had a lot of her own stuff going on between work and school and such.

So much has been going on. We went to California for two weeks back in June/July. It was amazing. I seriously want to move there now. We spent a few days in San Francisco and then we flew down to LA and hung out there. We did all the touristy things which I loved and drove around a bunch, went to the beach. I saw the guy that plays Turk from Scrubs at a barbecue joint our first night in LA, but that was our only celebrity sighting that we were sure of.

Turned 27 on October 20th.

December 22nd was my 1 year and 2 month anniversary on T. I’m pretty pleased. My wife says she really hears changes in my voice. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t. She says I sound totally different. I have been trying to keep up with pictures and recordings of my voice, but I just don’t honestly remember. I was going to do a one year voice change video but I don’t have enough, so I’m thinking I’ll make a two year video.

I am now one of the operators for the new Trans LifeLine, a for Trans* folk, by Trans* for crisis line. I’ve logged in a couple times, but haven’t gotten a call yet. I’ve been really sick with a bad cold and my asthma the last few weeks, so I haven’t really logged on because I just don’t feel like I would be as good as I should be for someone calling in a potential crisis. I am super proud of being a part of it though. I think it’s an amazing service and I’m glad that something like this has been created. If you or anyone you know needs help, do not hesitate to call.

http://www.translifeline.org  (877) 565-8860 in the US and (877) 330-6366 in Canada.

Kass and I had a pretty good Christmas. We opened our presents on Christmas Eve. I was supposed to go to work but stayed home because I’m sick. Sadly, I won’t get my holiday pay, but that’s ok. Kass found us an immediate care and pharmacy that was open, because she is super sick, too. The experience was less than favorable. The guy at the registration counter understood immediately that I was trans and when I asked if he could put a different name of my forms and he was like oh yeah, no problem. I thought man, this is going to go so smooth. And then I got called into triage, and into administration, and to go back to my room. And every. single. time. they called my legal name. Even though he wrote my name in bold at the top of my sheet and underlined it a bunch. By the third time I was about ready to throw down. I thought I was going to lose it. Kass and I both said something to the woman taking us back and she was like oh yeah, I saw that. Seriously? You saw it, but what? Just ignored it? I was livid. Then we get back into our rooms and the nurse comes to mine first and calls me by my legal name. I corrected her and she just ignored me. Then she went to Kass’ room and she asked if she had been to my room yet, and the woman told her no, even though she already had been. Kass told her that my preferred name is Wes and my preferred pronouns are he/his/him and that I’ve had it up to here with everyone saying my legal name and female pronouns. So when she came back in she was extra nice and kept calling me Wes. We got the name of the person in charge though and are going to call, because it was just not a great experience, it was so uncomfortable and could have been dangerous. I’m always on the look out for stuff like that. I hate that I prepare myself to get my ass kicked. Do I think I will? Probably not. But I hate that I feel like I have to be ready, just in case.

When we got back home we opened our gifts. I got her an acoustic guitar and cell phone case, a “Notorious Ruth Bader Ginsburg” shirt, and some other stuff and she got me a P-Style and a case, a bread maker, ice cream machine and some awesome cookbooks, one for my bread machine and one called Thug Kitchen that’s like a super cool food truck cookbook with foul language, an Oyster subscription and some other stuff. We’ve been hanging out playing Sims and SimCity and watching Lock Up and Roseanne marathons. Tonight I made a small ham, green bean casserole, and cheesy hash browns.

Tomorrow we’re going out to do a little shopping and I’m going to get stuff to make a couple loaves of bread. I also need a haircut something fierce and there is a pretty cook barbershop that I have really been looking to try out. It’s this kind of rockabilly place called Floyd’s 99.

Well, that’s what I’ve been up too. I’m going to make a point to write more frequently again.

And here is my day 1 on October 22, 2013 vs. 1 year, 1 month, and 1 week one testosterone.

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Top Surgery Fund

Hello all!

I have not updated in a while. Whew. We’ve been so busy. 

Right now I am working really hard on getting funding for my chest surgery. I am so ready for it, and so pumped. 

I’ve created a GoFundMe page to raise as much money as I can. I am hoping to be able to have my surgery by this time next year but I am not sure if that will happen. 

I would love for everyone to take a look at my page and would appreciate any shares and donations!

Thanks all!
Promise to update soon!

Wes.

I was born a Unicorn.

I sometimes think of myself as a Unicorn. This special mythical creature. Something that has to be created with magic. Something heard of but not often seen.

I was born a Unicorn.

 

I didn’t really take any pictures before I started my transition. And I regret that.

I did take a few pictures of my body but deleted them because I am so self conscious of my weight.

I wish that I would have just kept them. For me.

I also never thought to take pictures of my arms and chest and stomach and legs for hair and muscle growth. I wish that I would have because I know that there is change, but I would just like to see how much. Also, I find myself often saying, when did that happen?!

I have been keeping my transition somewhat private. I feel like it is such a personal thing, that I just haven’t shared to much with people. Unless they ask, because I do really love talking about it. But I also regret this, because I feel like people don’t totally understand my transition, and it causes me to sometime forget my transition and forget to watch the different steps of my transition.

I am two weeks away from my 6 months. That is really exciting. I decided that today I was going to shave my face, except my mustache, and leave it go for the next two weeks to see exactly where my facial hair is at for my 6 month mark. I am pretty excited.

I generally keep my face relatively shaved just because I feel awkward because people still perceive me as a woman, and so having so much facial hair I feel like they assume I am dirty or something, and that makes me feel very uncomfortable. But I think for the purpose of this, I am just going to try and deal with that feeling and move past it because I am really interested in the results.

And this after all is all about me, yeah?

I will post the results when they are in!

It’s been pretty warm here in the tundra upper Midwest. I have totally enjoyed being able to wear shorts and t-shirts the last few days. After the first week of March I refused to wear a coat anymore. I just can’t do it. I’m so done with winter, I’m starting to get really crabby.

The “winter blues” has always really affected me, but this year I feel like its a bit more than normal. I sometimes feel this over bearing gloom. I think that I have depression. My endo doctor gave me a psych and therapist referral, but I haven’t done anything with it yet. It just feels like too much work. I know that if I do it I will feel better, but I just feel like I have enough going on. And I have a hard enough time understanding my feeling, trying to explain them to someone just feels exhausting.

I recently found this guy on YouTube that shares his ‘perceptions’ of things. The video that I watched was on guilt, and how guilt isn’t an actual feeling but is attached to another feeling. This was actually really huge for me, because I often joke that I have Catholic guilt. I generally feel so much guilt for many things. Even just really small stupid things. A lot of it has come from growing up with my mother. I have dubbed her The Queen of Guilt. Many things I did were followed with a large sigh from her and something about how ‘that’s fine, I’ll just be alone, but you go with your friends/that’s ok, I’m just your momma/ooh… I understand/you’re just my best friend/etc.” I feel like that is really sick to do. The older I get I understand that a lot of things aren’t my fault and that I shouldn’t feel the guilt that I feel about things, but that it was pushed on me. That out of nurture, guilt has been assigned to many of my feelings and emotions. I just need to unlearn that behavior, which is very hard to do. The older that I get, the more understanding I gain from growing up with my parents. They weren’t awful people, they didn’t do drugs or hit me or mistreat me in a general sense. But there were a lot of things they pushed on me or hid from me, and I feel like that put a large damper on my person. I don’t want it to sound like I am blaming them for my mistakes, but I feel like there were a lot of learned behaviors that were not beneficial to helping me be the best person I could be. I have some changing to do, both physically and mentally.

Deep thoughts with Weston.

I walk the Line

I caused a tiny fire storm in my family.

I seem to do it every few years. It’s not on purpose really, it’s just that I can’t always handle the way they do things. It gets to a point where I just get kind of fed up or someone does or says something and I have to say something. I find I have a little bit of a hard time letting things go. I’m not quite sure why. I just hold onto shit sometimes. I hold people to these really high standards and my family does not get any slack in that department. 

I was at work the other day and I posted these silly pictures of myself in the bathroom just kinda flexing and goofing around on Facebook. My aunt posted a comment on one saying that I still look the same to her. “Sorry baby” she said. About an hour after she posted it, it was deleted, but I had already seen it. I was really upset and really sat on it for a couple hours. Kass and I talked it over and we decided that maybe if I posted a video I would be able to address the things that were bothering me with her comment and with some comments that I had gotten from other people. Like ones who tell me that that like me better as my birth name, or like my birth name better. I have started telling those people that if they like it so much that is what we can start calling them. 

I decided to be really open in my video. Which was really hard to be that raw and honest from people that don’t actually really know me. I explained that if I were forced to stay a cisgendered woman and straight, that I would probably commit suicide. I don’t mean this in a “god, I would kill myself” sort of way. I mean it in a “my life was so unhappy when I had to pretend to be something that I was not, that if I felt for whatever reason I needed to be this way for the rest of my life I would probably enter such a deep depression and self loathing that there would really be nothing for me to live for” sort of way. I have felt this before. Sometimes I feel it now. I feel like damaged goods. Like I am broken or somehow an unacceptable form of a person. Like I am a freak. How else do you explain your parents turning their backs on you? 

Right?

So I explained that. I also told them that posts like that weren’t constructive and that of course I still look like me. I am “me.” Also I’ve only been on T for like 5 months and a week (Yay!), so at this point in time the changes are coming in slowly. By the end of the video my anger really came out. Basically I put out there that I was done trying to fit into everyones mold and that I was tired of following their rules and that I simply am done. I will not do it any more and that if any of them have an issue with who I am or what I am doing we can be done. Because I am done.

I got the response I wanted. And then some.

My aunt actually called me sobbing. She was a little drunk so I think she was more upset than she probably would have normally been, but in all honesty, it was nice to have someone hear me and feel what I was telling them. At first she kept calling me ‘she’ and by my birth name, which was kind of frustrating giving what we were discussing, but by the end she was calling me her ‘nephew Weston.’ That was really great. 

All I want is to be validated. 

On another note:

I got hit on by a gay man at work.

I was more pumped than I could ever begin to explain to you. He kept telling me how beautiful and deep my voice was and that he was so happy that he had been transferred to me so he could just sit there and listen to my beautiful deep voice. I couldn’t even believe it. I felt like I made it. You know you’ve reached your goal when a gay man hits on you. (Does that sound bad to anyone else?) If he had been sitting across from me, it would be another story, but over the phone I never get ma’am’ed.

Well… except for once last week. But then he got ma’am’ed, too. He was a little taken aback, but I think he got the hint. 

So as far as updates go there are a few.

The hair on my right temple seems to be thinning. I don’t know if I wrote about this before, but it is definitely thinner on the right side than the left. I am uber sad about this. I am just not sure if this is new or if I just never noticed it before.

My arms are getting hairier and they are also beginning to fill in more. It used to be just the tops that had hair, but not it is starting to fill in around to the bottoms. The tops are also starting the get thicker and its slowly creeping down my hands. 

The tops my my feet and toes are so hairy I can’t even handle it. My legs have always been hairy but spotty. Those spots are starting to fill in more like around my ankles and connecting to my feet, my knees are filling in and my thighs are starting to be covered. The hair is working its way up and down my thighs.

My stomach is so hairy. I am seriously going to be a bear. My chest is also super hairy. Most of the hairs are find but long. Except so this one super thick wiry black one right in the middle of my chest. 

My voice is getting much deeper. Some days it seems to drop so much I can hardly project and I have to keep clearing my throat. When I want to I can make it extremely deep. Other times I just sound like I’m croaking.

And last my not least… my business. I have not written about this yet. My sex drive is the same. Unreal. But my business. It is… growing. And boy am I excited. I have turned a 3ml syringe into a mini pump and have been using that to help things along. It is getting extremely thick at the base and I am just so excited. 

Well. I think thats all for now.

Night all.

Wes.

Blogging from the bread isle.

This is Kass. 

I haven’t updated in a while because I’ve been really busy with school, but that doesn’t mean there hasn’t plenty on my mind to write about. Most of the time when I’m thinking of things I would like to blog about its in really inconvenient places like the bread isle at the grocery store. 

Its been several months since Wes started T. Some of our biggest challenges have been mourning the loss of his family relationships and me learning how to see myself in the world now that the world sees me as a straight woman. 

With Wes’ family things were always complicated, from the beginning they didn’t support us. As a matter of fact in the first month of our relationship I went to visit him (we were living in different states at that time) and they kicked him out of the house while I was there, and that was how we ended up living together. Ever since that morning when I watch the person I love pack his things into my car as his parents watched from the kitchen window there has been a rage that smolders toward them. And just when I think that it may be extinguished because there is some kindness or a brief moment of fake tolerance, they fan it into a fire that promises to never die. So. When Wes started T his parents had already refused to come to our wedding, and they had not spoke in several months. But I thought at the very least they should know what was on the horizon. Wes was very kind, he made them a video, sent them an email, and some information on what they should expect. He told them he loved them. And they were silent. It was weeks. And then his mother text him, but as usual it was only to quiet her own guilt or need for attention. Her texts are always the same variations of “Im praying for you, Mommy loves you baby girl.” How do you even respond to that? He ignored it for a while but then hoping maybe that was her way of reaching out responded with “I love you too, please use my chosen name and pronouns.” And her response was that god had made him a specific way. Later that night we sat in the car and talked about the text conversation. Again the rage rose up in me because I think it is so arrogant for someone to tell another person what god made them to be. HOW THE FUCK DOES SHE KNOW HOW GOD MADE HIM. I’m not a religious person. But if there is a god that made my husband I truly believe that he was made to be FtM. for real. Here’s why. In a different life (lets pretend his mother had her wish), if my husband was a cis gendered straight woman, his impact on the world would be so limited. He would be a white middle class straight cis gendered woman. Trying to make connections with marginalized groups of people when you are part of the white privilege is pretty much impossible. There is a trust that develops between groups of people who understand that you know where they have been. And maybe in this alternative life my husband wouldn’t even care about helping other people because he wouldn’t have experienced any discrimination, or fear of harm, or lack of rights. Maybe in this alternative life my husband would be completely happy in his little world of ignorance, just going through the motions. Just taking up space on the planet. I think that is a sad existence and that there are enough people just taking up space. Why is it so out of the realm of possibility that if there is a god that creates people that my husband would be created to be exactly what he is, a person that is kind and wonderful and on so many levels can relate to people who have been where he is, they can relate to having hard talks with friends and loved ones. They can relate to feeling different, and being “the only one”, and just needing someone who supports you. They can relate. I don’t know if his parents will ever understand the gift that they brought into this world, but very often I am thankful that I have someone who is so special and amazing. 

So. In the beginning I was really struggling with my identity, because I had started a new job right before Wes had started his transition and we had agreed that it was the best thing to start the job calling Wes by his chosen name and pronouns. The job before that had ended badly with me throwing a legal pad at my boss and walking off the job after months of blatant targeting. While the marriage amendment was up for debate here some of my coworker frequently stopped by my desk to tell me what they thought of gay marriage and what the bible said about it. I grew up in a very religious home and was in a boarding school for a while where we had to attend church daily and read the bible cover to cover so I was always able to quote scripture to them. This earned me the reputation of being pushy and forceful and my boss told me I had to respect their opinions. Which I did not. So. Going into this new job we decided rather possibly face the same situation again, and have to find a new job again, we would just proceed with the new name and pronouns and not explain. It was a shock to me. After we were married the straight women in my office would tease me about the possibility of being pregnant, and try to relate to me about husband/wife issues. Some of it I could totally understand, normal everyday relationship things like the division of household chores, or finical things. Other things, I felt really clueless. They would talk to me about sex. Straight women would talk to me about blow jobs. Now I really love my coworkers so most of the time I would just laugh, because I literally did not know how to respond. And sometimes completely by accident I would say “yuck”. And then I would think, “Shit, that’s not what a straight woman would have said.” 

One evening Wes and I were in the grocery store and Im not sure how it came up, but I ended up talking to another customer. One of my favorite things about being a lesbian, especially after years of fighting for equality and visibility is being able to have a sort of secret code with other queer people. When you meet them, even if you don’t know them you can instantly identify yourself simply by saying something like “My partner and I drink that coffee all the time.” or “My wife loves that bread.” Well, that night I had come across a gay man in a store, or a man that I thought was gay, and would have been easily been able to identify by introducing myself. But when I said husband he got the same glossed over look I would give straight people when they would identify themselves. I wanted to say “No, you don’t understand, Im a lesbian!!!!!!” This feeling got worse over the next few months, but then I was able to come out to more people at work. One person in particular has really helped me accept that nothing about who I am has changed at all. I felt for a little while that I had lost myself. 

One more short thing. My husband and I often talk over a coffee before he goes to work while we sit in the car. One morning he said trans men don’t like to date lesbians because lesbians won’t date men, but will date trans men because they view them as still being women. I want to clear something up. As a queer woman, and I know I can’t speak for every lesbian in the world, but I would bet that a good many lesbians who date trans men date them because the experience is different than with cis gendered straight men. Trans men understand the queer experience, cis gendered straight men do not. At least that is my perspective.

 

Thats all for now. 

❤ Kass.