I never meant to be the greatest….

…I only ever wanted to be your baby.

I have been absent from my blog for far too long.

Lately I have thought a lot about blogging but have just not gotten around/taken the time to do it.

I always find something more important/less important to do.

Kass and I are celebrating our two year wedding anniversary at the end of the month. Last month we celebrated six years together. We’re doing really good. We, of course, have our ups and downs, but things are good. We just moved into a new place in July that we both really like. We turned the dining room into office space for the both of us, so we each have a nice deck and fancy matching chairs. We’re slowly decorating the place.

I’ve been cooking more, which I really enjoy. Most of the time.

Sometimes I just hate cooking.

But our new kitchen has so much more space its amazing.

We even started a little garden on our balcony. Mostly herbs this year, because we weren’t sure how it would go. And all the Bonnie’s tomato plants we bought, or attempted to buy, had blight. We talked to someone at Lowe’s and she said that pretty much every plant she saw from them had blight this year. So that was a no go. But I planted basil, oregano, sweet mint, peppermint, dill, thyme. And some roses. And then just some pretty wild flowers. It made the balcony so beautiful.

So I’ve been doing a lot of cooking in the new space, and using a lot of the herbs. Everything has been so fresh and tasty. And I’ve been doing mostly vegan cooking with has been really nice. Really adds to the freshness. I’ve been experimenting more and I think that I’m getting much better at cooking. It really awesome to spend time working on something and then have it come out to look and taste so amazing.

I’ve actually been thinking about creating a (mostly)vegan/diet/trans blog. Probably joined with this one. Maybe not. I’m thinking that maybe if I get a blog going maybe it will help me a little on days that I just want to cook shite. And also maybe it will keep me on track because I’m really trying to lose weight. And I would really like a trans fitness buddy, so I’m thinking maybe it will connect me with other trans folks who are also looking for the same thing. I really need the motivation. I’m not expecting them to push me, but I’m hoping that if I have someone relying on me, and I’m relying on them we can give each other props and maybe I’ll make a good friend at the same time.

I’m almost at a year a 11 months on T. It feels weird to think about.

I just feel like I’m in this weird mismatched gender limbo.

Sometimes I just wish that people inherently knew that I was trans, and wasn’t a boy or a girl. I just am.

2+ years in I’m still having a hard time getting used to everything. It catches me off guard when people call me ‘he’ or ‘sir.’ Sometimes I still get a little offended, and then I’m like, Oh right. I have a (one notch above shabby) beard. Of course you think I’m a ‘sir.’ Based on the signals I’m sending you, that’s what you’re supposed to think.

I don’t know. It’s still just very hard for me. I don’t know why. Kass has adjusted very well. She is having a much easier time with it than I am. I guess I maybe have this internalized transphobia. It wouldn’t hurt to know more people like myself. To have people that I can talk to. But I have a hard time liking and trusting people. The ones that I do end up liking and trusting end up being assholes. Trans, and cis alike.

And I’m lost like all of my guy friends from before. I mean, I had like three. Not a ton. Then I had like one. And he’s just kind of fallen off the face of the earth. I feel so alone. Sometimes I wish that I had someone to talk to. Aside from Kass. I tell her most everything. But sometimes I just wish I had a guy I could talk to. Or another trans guy that knew what I felt. In my head it feels like it would make things feel a little better.

On the plus side, my beard is filling in. Sadly though, I’m already getting grey whiskers. It’s so sad. I just get it and it’s already turning grey. But I’m not quite 28, and am already seriously considering getting some Just for Me. So I guess it would make sense that my beard is just following suite.

I also get a lot of whiskers that fall out. I always get several on my desk throughout the day, and they look like little wiry pubes. It always freaks me out for a second,

Who rubbed their ball sack on my desk?!

Oh, wait. That’s just from my beard.

So there’s that.

-Wes

I want money, and all your power, and all your glory.

I wanna take you for all that you got.

Ok.

So keeping up with writing has not happened. But. I’m procrastinating with my homework, so this seems as a good a time as any.

Kass and I went to California last June/July. I think I may have written about it. But it was amazing. Probably one of the best experiences I have ever had. I want to move there so bad. The dreariness of winter is killing me. It hasn’t been a bad winter by any means, but I just hate winter so much. And I’m ready to be around sun. Always.

I’m starting a new job on Monday. I’ve been applying for new jobs for the last year or so, but I’ve been super picky because I make decent money, and I carry our insurance. And it is really good insurance. But I just can’t do it anymore. Every day I fantasize about screaming at my asshole customers, ripping my headset off, and bashing my keyboard on my desk. Then as the letters fly around the call center, I jump up on my desk and shout “Fuck all of you!” I then jump off my desk, grab my shit, and walk out in a blaze of glory, fist pumping like Judd Nelson at the end of Breakfast Club.

But really, that probably won’t happen.

My last day is Saturday. They don’t know I’m quitting. I have Sunday off and then I put in for vacation on Monday. Just in case I really hate the new job. But I doubt it. It’s just customer service/tech support for truckers. I’m bomb at that. Not sales. Especially when my job isn’t supposed to be sales. Retention is not supposed to be sales. I’m supposed to make customers happy and feel appreciated, not shove more services down their throats when their already pissed. But giant telecommunications/cable company doesn’t understand this concept. So they’re on my ass because I don’t push sales. But I hate sales. And people call in so pissed at us anyway. I just can’t take it. I know logically I shouldn’t take it personally, but it’s really hard when you take 50+ calls a day and 30 of them call you every name in the book. Day in and day out.

Also, since I started there as female and by my given name, even though I’ve changed it, my name tag is different and everyone knows I’m trans they still call me ‘she’ and by my given name. Which I haven’t gone by in a year and a half. I have a decent scrubby beard coming in, I have a flat blinded chest, and a relatively deep voice, and most people I’m on teams with now didn’t even know my when I went as female. I’m tired of being uncomfortable.

So, because of this I’ve been applying for jobs exclusively as male. I actually got one through a temp agency, which makes me a little uncomfortable. I never go through them because I don’t like the 3 month temporary thing. It makes me uneasy. I originally declined the job. But this lady wanted me so bad that she talked to her supervisor and called me back the next day and offered me $3 more an hour if I would just come interview. So I did. And apparently they loved me. And they called me Weston and ‘he/him’ through the whole interview and every time they introduced me to other people. It was great. My name isn’t legally changed yet because I just haven’t taken the time. And I haven’t decided on a first name. I really wanted to keep my initials LB so I’ve been trying to decide on a new first name. I’ve decided Weston will be my middle name now, and I’m thinking Leonard for my first name. Kass loves that name. I really wanted Lincoln, but every one that I’ve told that too acts like I just barfed on their shoes. I don’t get it. But with Leonard I can go by Leo. And I have this obsession with Leonardo DiCaprio. Sometimes I joke that instead of being transgender, can I be transleonardo? So, this will help that fantasy a smidgeon… without seeming too creepy. So, I’ve been using Leo a little bit to get used to it, and I’m really feeling it. So I think I’m going to be Leonard Weston Ezrah B. I really want to middle names. Don’t Judge me. I’ve always wanted be able to use my initials like W. E. B. Du Bois. But I digress, my new job only knows me as Weston and male. Which makes me happy because I will be able to just use the men’s restrooms, and I know that if anyone she’s me they are being a bigot and I will need to deal with that when that comes up. But it won’t be overtime someone addresses me, which makes me really happy.

I’ve also been passing a lot lately. Which is really surprising to me. Because I do see any difference than two months ago when people kept sheing me. I have to stop for a second. Which some people seem to notice and it’s a little weird. But I have to take a second and make sure they’re talking to me. Or wait for them to think they’ve made a mistake and correct themselves. Which is so awkward. And humiliating.

I’ve been obsessively looking up beards on Pinterest. I just can’t wait until I have something full and awesome. I’ve also been preparing and learning how to properly maintain it and keep it clean, neat, and well shaped. I’m all ready. Kass signed me up for the Dollar Shave Club for Christmas. Their shave butter is amazing and I love their razors. I’m on the bimonthly plan, because I mostly just keep up my neck and cheeks to let it do it’s thing. I have let it go for two weeks though and it’s creeping down my neck pretty good. I think it’ll eventually meet my chest hair. You know, one day when that’s full as well. But that’s really coming in too. And I have a nice line of hair coming in down my belly. And my legs. Don’t even get my started on my leg hair. It’s amazing. My legs have always grown pretty dark and thick hair, but it had probably tripped and my thighs are pretty much covered and it just keeps getting thicker. Sometimes I pull my shorts up and just stare at my thighs. It’s glorious.

I also think my voice has dropped some. I’m not a singer or anything, but there’s a lot of ranges I can’t reach anymore. Just talking or calling my cat or trying to shout, I get this weird cracky, deep, screechy mess that comes out. I’ve always head really weak vocal cords anyway, sometimes just talking at work for 10 hours I start to lose my voice. I have to drink a lot of water, tea, and coffee. But now that my voice is deeper, my vocal cords seem to be able to handle even less.

I’ve also seen a little more growth below the belt. I pump a little. Nothing regularly. But I modified a syringe. I had to get a bigger one because I grew out of the smaller one I had. Which made me happy. I want to purchase one, but I just haven’t yet. It’s probably around 2-2.5 inches at its… fullest.

Kass and I have also gone predominately vegan. I’ve been feeling really good about it. It started because she got me a cookbook, Thug Kitchen (check that shit out), for Christmas that she didn’t realize was vegan. We were both a little apprehensive about it, but the recipes looked so damn good that we were like, ok, let’s give this a shot. It has worked out really well. She has always struggled with eating meat anyway. She has such a moral dilemma over it because of how so many animals are treated. Also, she once dissected a human cadaver in a friends medical class once, and now associates that with the meat she eats. And she sees their fuzzy little faces when she eats meat. I don’t. I’m like ‘hey, it’s a burger. Mmm… burger. This didn’t come from that cute fuzzy cow sitting across the table from me. Here cow, want a bite of my awesome burger? No? Okay, your loss.’ But I’ve noticed that since we have been eating vegan, I’m also become lactose intolerant. Which is odd, because I’ve always eaten a lot of dairy (this originally autocorrected to ‘hair products’. had to leave that in there) products. Now I drink milk or eat cheese and I’m sick for several hours later. It’s kind of a bummer, but I’m realizing that I’m feeling so much better when I’m eating straight vegan. I’ve even moved to getting soy or almond milk in my coffee and lattes. So. I think this is a really good change for me and us.

Whoa. That was long. Thanks if you made it to the bottom!

-Wes.

Just Man Up

I’ve been struggling with coming out at work. 

I hate being in this weird limbo stage. It kind of fucks with my head a little, being one person at work and someone different everywhere else. I have started coming out slowly to more people. I came out to a woman yesterday and she seemed supportive. But I know that she is a lesbian, so it felt like a safe bet. It’s the macho straight cis-guys that sit in the cubicles on either side of me that I would like to share my status with, but I am a little apprehensive to do so. I also almost came out in my team meeting on Wednesday, but I just could not get the nerve up.

I was talking about it with a younger woman I work with who knows. She stopped by my desk the other night to say good-bye. I was finishing up a phone call with a customer. She was telling me that she just couldn’t believe how much my voice has changed, but that she noticed it was significantly more feminine when I was on the phone. I explained that my ‘phone voice’ has always been that way, and it’s a really hard habit to break. Also, it’s been a little bit of a struggle to train myself to speak from my chest instead of my throat. Sometimes the rattling/vibrating feeling I get because my voice is much deeper reminds me that I’m doing it right, but out of habit I always revert back to my throat. I explained this to her, but she didn’t seem to understand. After 26 years, old habits die hard. We were also talking about my facial hair because I had shown her how well it was growing in. She asked if that was just me letting it grow and I explained that I shaved a few days ago, but that it’s coming in very quickly now and I’m just waiting for it to fill in. She told me that I just need to let it grow and see where it goes. I explained to her that since it is so visible, and since I don’t pass I am concerned with looking unkempt and it drawing people’s attention more. She told me to fuck what they think and asked, “But it’s that what you were going for? Didn’t you want facial hair?” I explained to her that I do, indeed, want facial hair, but that at this point in time I need to be careful. I am in this in-between faze and I am concerned for my safety and I am tired of being stared at, that the last thing I want is to draw even more attention to myself in general public. She said that she understood, but I realized she didn’t when she told me:

Just man up and do it.

This was really concerning to me and I realized that even people in our own community don’t understand. This more than ever makes me want to fight for education in our own community as well as with the general public. How can we expect the straight and cis-gendered community to see, understand and accept us if the people ‘most like us’ (if you will) don’t. I brushed it off at the time, and tried to explain once more my view, but she still didn’t seem to get it. The more I think about it though the more it bothers me.

Day 107

I have began shaving rather frequently because my facial hair is starting to grow in a bit faster. I also noticed a day or two ago that my sideburn area is also getting furrier. Under my chin was always something that I had to shave, but now it is starting to come in a little more.

Tonight I went in to shave because it comes in spotty and since I still don’t really pass I get weird looks when people see how much facial hair I have. I’m sure they just assume that I am unkempt, which is fine, but I would prefer if they didn’t think that.

Anywho… before I shaved I decided to take some progress photos because I am pretty proud of how well everything is starting in already. 

This picture is the left side of my face, this side is doing better than the right. Both of the side burn pictures are about a week without shaving.

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This is the right side. You can tell something is going on, but the camera doesn’t really pick it up. And you have to look really really close…

 

 

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And this is my chin. This has never had an issue growing, its just getting more of it that I need. It is starting to move up my chin in two little patches on the side. I shaved this yesterday. Also, you can see the issues with acne that I am fending off. I really hoped I wouldn’t get any since I didn’t my first go around with puberty, but it’s trying.

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And my mustache trying to get in on the action. This was shaved I believe two weeks ago.

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And just because I feel super cool

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So yeah. I am super proud of how far I’ve come up to this point and am really excited for all the further changes. 

I just had to share!

 

Wes.