I want money, and all your power, and all your glory.

I wanna take you for all that you got.

Ok.

So keeping up with writing has not happened. But. I’m procrastinating with my homework, so this seems as a good a time as any.

Kass and I went to California last June/July. I think I may have written about it. But it was amazing. Probably one of the best experiences I have ever had. I want to move there so bad. The dreariness of winter is killing me. It hasn’t been a bad winter by any means, but I just hate winter so much. And I’m ready to be around sun. Always.

I’m starting a new job on Monday. I’ve been applying for new jobs for the last year or so, but I’ve been super picky because I make decent money, and I carry our insurance. And it is really good insurance. But I just can’t do it anymore. Every day I fantasize about screaming at my asshole customers, ripping my headset off, and bashing my keyboard on my desk. Then as the letters fly around the call center, I jump up on my desk and shout “Fuck all of you!” I then jump off my desk, grab my shit, and walk out in a blaze of glory, fist pumping like Judd Nelson at the end of Breakfast Club.

But really, that probably won’t happen.

My last day is Saturday. They don’t know I’m quitting. I have Sunday off and then I put in for vacation on Monday. Just in case I really hate the new job. But I doubt it. It’s just customer service/tech support for truckers. I’m bomb at that. Not sales. Especially when my job isn’t supposed to be sales. Retention is not supposed to be sales. I’m supposed to make customers happy and feel appreciated, not shove more services down their throats when their already pissed. But giant telecommunications/cable company doesn’t understand this concept. So they’re on my ass because I don’t push sales. But I hate sales. And people call in so pissed at us anyway. I just can’t take it. I know logically I shouldn’t take it personally, but it’s really hard when you take 50+ calls a day and 30 of them call you every name in the book. Day in and day out.

Also, since I started there as female and by my given name, even though I’ve changed it, my name tag is different and everyone knows I’m trans they still call me ‘she’ and by my given name. Which I haven’t gone by in a year and a half. I have a decent scrubby beard coming in, I have a flat blinded chest, and a relatively deep voice, and most people I’m on teams with now didn’t even know my when I went as female. I’m tired of being uncomfortable.

So, because of this I’ve been applying for jobs exclusively as male. I actually got one through a temp agency, which makes me a little uncomfortable. I never go through them because I don’t like the 3 month temporary thing. It makes me uneasy. I originally declined the job. But this lady wanted me so bad that she talked to her supervisor and called me back the next day and offered me $3 more an hour if I would just come interview. So I did. And apparently they loved me. And they called me Weston and ‘he/him’ through the whole interview and every time they introduced me to other people. It was great. My name isn’t legally changed yet because I just haven’t taken the time. And I haven’t decided on a first name. I really wanted to keep my initials LB so I’ve been trying to decide on a new first name. I’ve decided Weston will be my middle name now, and I’m thinking Leonard for my first name. Kass loves that name. I really wanted Lincoln, but every one that I’ve told that too acts like I just barfed on their shoes. I don’t get it. But with Leonard I can go by Leo. And I have this obsession with Leonardo DiCaprio. Sometimes I joke that instead of being transgender, can I be transleonardo? So, this will help that fantasy a smidgeon… without seeming too creepy. So, I’ve been using Leo a little bit to get used to it, and I’m really feeling it. So I think I’m going to be Leonard Weston Ezrah B. I really want to middle names. Don’t Judge me. I’ve always wanted be able to use my initials like W. E. B. Du Bois. But I digress, my new job only knows me as Weston and male. Which makes me happy because I will be able to just use the men’s restrooms, and I know that if anyone she’s me they are being a bigot and I will need to deal with that when that comes up. But it won’t be overtime someone addresses me, which makes me really happy.

I’ve also been passing a lot lately. Which is really surprising to me. Because I do see any difference than two months ago when people kept sheing me. I have to stop for a second. Which some people seem to notice and it’s a little weird. But I have to take a second and make sure they’re talking to me. Or wait for them to think they’ve made a mistake and correct themselves. Which is so awkward. And humiliating.

I’ve been obsessively looking up beards on Pinterest. I just can’t wait until I have something full and awesome. I’ve also been preparing and learning how to properly maintain it and keep it clean, neat, and well shaped. I’m all ready. Kass signed me up for the Dollar Shave Club for Christmas. Their shave butter is amazing and I love their razors. I’m on the bimonthly plan, because I mostly just keep up my neck and cheeks to let it do it’s thing. I have let it go for two weeks though and it’s creeping down my neck pretty good. I think it’ll eventually meet my chest hair. You know, one day when that’s full as well. But that’s really coming in too. And I have a nice line of hair coming in down my belly. And my legs. Don’t even get my started on my leg hair. It’s amazing. My legs have always grown pretty dark and thick hair, but it had probably tripped and my thighs are pretty much covered and it just keeps getting thicker. Sometimes I pull my shorts up and just stare at my thighs. It’s glorious.

I also think my voice has dropped some. I’m not a singer or anything, but there’s a lot of ranges I can’t reach anymore. Just talking or calling my cat or trying to shout, I get this weird cracky, deep, screechy mess that comes out. I’ve always head really weak vocal cords anyway, sometimes just talking at work for 10 hours I start to lose my voice. I have to drink a lot of water, tea, and coffee. But now that my voice is deeper, my vocal cords seem to be able to handle even less.

I’ve also seen a little more growth below the belt. I pump a little. Nothing regularly. But I modified a syringe. I had to get a bigger one because I grew out of the smaller one I had. Which made me happy. I want to purchase one, but I just haven’t yet. It’s probably around 2-2.5 inches at its… fullest.

Kass and I have also gone predominately vegan. I’ve been feeling really good about it. It started because she got me a cookbook, Thug Kitchen (check that shit out), for Christmas that she didn’t realize was vegan. We were both a little apprehensive about it, but the recipes looked so damn good that we were like, ok, let’s give this a shot. It has worked out really well. She has always struggled with eating meat anyway. She has such a moral dilemma over it because of how so many animals are treated. Also, she once dissected a human cadaver in a friends medical class once, and now associates that with the meat she eats. And she sees their fuzzy little faces when she eats meat. I don’t. I’m like ‘hey, it’s a burger. Mmm… burger. This didn’t come from that cute fuzzy cow sitting across the table from me. Here cow, want a bite of my awesome burger? No? Okay, your loss.’ But I’ve noticed that since we have been eating vegan, I’m also become lactose intolerant. Which is odd, because I’ve always eaten a lot of dairy (this originally autocorrected to ‘hair products’. had to leave that in there) products. Now I drink milk or eat cheese and I’m sick for several hours later. It’s kind of a bummer, but I’m realizing that I’m feeling so much better when I’m eating straight vegan. I’ve even moved to getting soy or almond milk in my coffee and lattes. So. I think this is a really good change for me and us.

Whoa. That was long. Thanks if you made it to the bottom!

-Wes.

Texts with my mother.

My mom randomly texts me. It seems every time they get bad weather there she texts me. Maybe it makes her think of her mortality or mine. Or maybe she knows how much I keep track of the weather and that I am thinking of them secretly. I’m not sure. But in the last few months my mom has text me several times.

Last Friday she sent me a text. It just simply said

I love you. Mommy.

Normally I don’t respond because she has never responded to me. They just ignored the video that I sent them explaining why I needed space and had decided that I needed to take a break and stop speaking with them. How it broke my heart that my dad’s angry letter hurt Kass’ feelings and made her cry. How it hurt me that my mothers pedophile of a father walked her down the aisle even though he hated my dad and she loved him for that, but they couldn’t even be bothered to show up to mine. How I ache because they have just chosen to ignore the fact that I came out to them as transgender. But this day I decided to reply.

I love you too.

infinity & beyond

My mother commented back with something I always used to tell her as a child. Toy Story being one of my favorite movies growing up.

Yesterday she text me again. I couldn’t help but laugh. No matter how I try to show my parents who I am, I can never move them past 6 year old me. 

Just felt the need to tell you baby girl how much i love you. Mommy

It took me a long time to be able to reply to her. I had to carefully think about what I was going to say. It pains me to correct my mother. Even as a child I have always seen how delicate she was. I never wanted to break her even at a very young age. Talking to Kass we decided to go with the ‘sandwich’ technique. 

I love you too, mom. I do hope that you can begin using my preferred male pronouns like he/his/him and name Weston/Wes. But I do want you to know that I do love you and dad and texting you has been nice.

I didn’t honestly anticipate hearing back from her. I imagined her reading my text message at her desk in her back corner area in the basement she works in. The florescent bulb flickering above her casting light over her briefly and then washing her again in darkness while she broke into a thousand tiny pieces.

I was wrong however and she responded quickly.

You are my very, very beautiful daughter. When the doctors handed u to me they handed me my precious baby girl. U were created that way for a reason & purpose. I love you & texting you just to say i love you has been nice for me too.

At this point I began feeling upset. She was blatantly disregarding me as she always did.

It saddens me that no matter what you won’t see me beyond what you want. Did you view any of the links I sent you? Or see what Pat Robertson said? I know how much you like his views. It makes me sad that you both seem to be ok with the divide this has placed between us.

It saddened me that u created this divide yet feel that daddy & i r responsible 4 it. We have never changed & neither has our beliefs. I’m sorry we’re not what u want or expect as parents. Wendy.

I just want you to accept me. That’s all that I ask and I don’t think that’s too much to expect from one’s parents. I just need to be my true authentic self, and it’s unfortunate that is what makes or breaks us.

It is a rare occasion in my life where I can be very blunt with my mother. I believe that me taking a step back and taking care of myself and doing what I need for myself and living my life with the person I love has given me the new ability to do that.

Im sorry i do not believe thats who u are. Im sorry but i don’t. It was great to hear from u but b4 u hate me we best quit for the day. I love u so very much.

At this point I was shaking. I felt so much sadness and anger that I almost felt as though I would not be able to control myself.

I wish that you didn’t put that on me like that. But fine. I love you too. Tell dad that I love him too.

I read and reread my text & don’t know what i put on u. I guess a good sign that we stop for the day. I will tell daddy u love him. U can count on that for sure.

That I hate you. I don’t like that you put that on me. Why would I beg for your acceptance if I hate you. Thank you for telling him.

Honey thats not what i said. All i said was we need 2 stop 4 the day b4 u hated me. I don’t want 2 fight so i think we just step back & breathe. Thats all. Wendy.

I could not even respond after the last text. My mother, the Queen of Guilt, will no longer get to me. Not in the way that she wants. Not anymore.

I feel such sadness. I think that I am officially mourning the loss of my parents. Before now I always held out hope that if we spent enough time apart that they would see how much they missed me and realize that they didn’t care who I was with or what name I went by. That as their flesh and blood they would just love me and accept me because they actually did love me unconditionally. But I now realize that it is not true. My parents love the idea of me. I am now sure that they do not actually love me, though. They have not actually loved me as a person for a long time. Though this causes me great sadness, I can understand. Because I can honestly say that had I just met my parents as people on the street, I would not love them as people, either. Their narrow-minded values, their ignorance and their small town ideas are hurtful and unfortunate. 

Some days I wonder how I came from that. How did I grow up to be such a different person with different values and ideals? Where did I learn to despise those that I came from? How did I evolve past the things that I was taught were right? 

The conversation does make me question myself. And I hate that. I hate that decisions are always so hard for me that the slightest thing can strike fear in me and make me feel unsure. I know the feelings will subside just as they always do, but I hate that their unwillingness to see beyond themselves takes away my joy. Even if momentarily. 

I think the thing that causes me the most sadness is that I am viewed as being wrong, broken, a mistake. That I couldn’t possibly have been ‘created’ just the way that I am, to be this particular person at this particular time. 

As a teenager I felt so angry at a god that would allow myself, my mother and others to be sexually assaulted especially as children. My mother always told me that it happened for a reason. So that we could be strong and we could help others. That we could survive it and that maybe someone else wouldn’t be able to, but that we could be their rock. That it was ok.

But this, this is wrong. This was a mistake and was not supposed to have happened. This will not cause me to be strong for others. This will not help me save lives or change the world. I am a defect. I am broken. I am a monstrosity. 

If there is a religion or a god that is fine with sexual assault but is against my authentic self, that is nothing I have a desire to be a part of.

4 months and some days

Video

The last week I have been obsessed with this song. I can’t even handle it. So. Good.

Ok, have not updated in a week and quite a few things have happened that I am really pleased about.

First things first:

I came out to my whole team in our meeting last Thursday. It was really great. I was super scared to do it, but I did it and everyone was really supportive. They all actually applauded me. I felt like Ellen Page. I’m even allowed to go by my chosen name on the phones now and at work and my supervisor is still trying to get HR to get my email and chat name changed too.

Saturday was my four months on T. It feels like I just started, but it also feels like it’s been forever. Such a strange feeling.

Today I had my third appointment with my endo. She said that all my labs are great and the my testosterone levels are in the normal male range. On the very low side, but in the actual male range. And she upped my dosage. So I am now on 60ml once a week. I am really excited.

We also discussed my mental health and some other concerns that I have had. The first two times I saw her I wasn’t sure how I felt about her, she’s just very straight forward and blunt, but this time I didn’t feel rushed and we just got to sit and talk. It was really nice. She gave me a referral for a psych consult and a new therapist since I don’t like the one I got my T letter from anymore. And she didn’t judge me for telling her I’ve been feeling depressed. Which I was really worried she would be like oh, you’re not stable, we shouldn’t raise your dosage, but she didn’t do anything like that. She was just really respectful and we talked about it and she let me know what she thought. Which I had talked to Kass about and was already planning on going to a psychiatrist, but I felt better to tell my doctor because I generally lie to them. So I liked being able to be honest with her. Next time I come in she is going to run some additional labs because I have been having the worst Charlie horses and she isn’t sure why and then she is going to do a full physical. Which I am not excited about, but glad that it will be with her and I don’t have to explain my ‘situation’ to someone new. How awkward.

In all the last week has been pretty good and I’m happy with the outcome across the board.

Coming out at Work.

So the other day I posted about having some issues with not being out at work. I was struggling really bad and I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to tell someone or I felt like I might walk of my job. And that was absolutely not an option.

So. Come out it is!

Out of a roughly 500 employee building maybe 5 people knew or so. One of them being a supervisor that I had the beginning of last year. I IMed her and told her that I really needed to talk, that I was going to explode and that somehow, someone needed to help me come out and use my chosen name. She put me in her calendar for 4pm. 

After my lunch I raced up to the third floor and waited. I waited for about 15 minutes and decided that she probably forgot. I was feeling a little furious by this point so I headed back to my desk. My current supervisor IMed me when I got back and asked her if I could come see her. She had a call for me to listen to. A customer complained about me because I wasn’t able to lower his bill. She said that was all she had for me and asked if I had anything. I asked her if we could talk in private. She we went to an office and shut the door. When I came out to the last supervisor, I thought I was going to pass out. I started seeing spots and felt light headed. My ears were ringing. This time, I just sat down and told her.

I’m transgender. And I need your help.

She looked a little surprised, but not so surprised.

She told me that she was glad I came to her and she went right to work helping me sort everything out. My original supervisor told me that HR told her that I would not be allowed to change my name until it was legally done. This was last May before I had even gotten my letter. I sucked it up and was fine with it. But now that I am in this odd stage, my voice dropping, growing facial hair, etc., I just can’t handle the thought of addressing myself with such a female name anymore. The thought was debilitating. And it was honestly affecting my work and in turn my commission. 

My new supervisor came back to me about 30 minutes late. She had gone directly to HR and told them what I needed as a transgender employee. They were totally fine with it and she said they seemed to not even remember saying no the first time. Which is great, albeit a little frustrating. In the meantime the other supervisor had tracked me down and apologized for missing out meeting, she was pulled into her supervisor’s office and was reprimanded (She is actually a really good supervisor, but she has quite a mouth on her and if she sees something that she doesn’t like or doesn’t think is right, she will quickly say something and it gets her in trouble. Often.) So she pulled me aside and we talked. She said that she and my new supervisor would tag team HR to get this resolved because the last thing she wanted was for me to feel uncomfortable at work.

So my new supervisor is now working on getting my name changed for my email address and in our IM system and she got me a new name tag for my desk. In the next supervisor meeting she is going to let everyone know so that I don’t have to and she said that it will get around, and I don’t need to worry about it, and that she will field as many questions for me as she can. I am going to let my team know in our meeting tomorrow. I am a little nervous to come out to about 15 people at once, but I think that most of them will be ok with it. I actually had to two macho guys that sit in the cubes on either side of me as me what I had started calling myself. I told them Wes. One of the guys is in a wheelchair and he told me that he wanted to start going by Hot Wheels. So for the rest of the day that’s what we called him. The guy that sits on the other side started using Wes right away. He then asked me if that was what I wanted him to do and I told him I would appreciate it. Later that evening he asked me why I had picked Wes and what it stood for. I explained it was short for Weston and then I took a deep breath and told him I am actually transgender and I wanted a very old school masculine sounding name.

He looked me in the eye, held out his fist to fist bump me and said “You do what you do, you’ve always been cool to me.” 

And that was it.

If coming out can always be this easy with that great of a response I would like that please and thank you.

This has however caused some weird feelings for me. Whenever I come out to someone and I feel that it is really important, I always question myself over and over for a while after that. 

Is this really what I want? What if I changed my mind? Do I really like the name I picked? How do I know I want to be a man?

hate that I do this to myself. But it seriously happens like every time. It’s really frustrating. I did it again this weekend. All weekend I questioned myself and my motives and felt so uncomfortable. I try to avoid talking about this as much as possible. Maybe because I don’t want it to take away points from my “trans enough” status or something, I don’t know. But I finally opened up to Kass about it last night. She could tell there was this nervous energy radiating off of me. That and my Trichotillomania got a little intense yesterday. I pulled out like half of my eyelashes sitting at work (only partially exaggerating). She told me that she thinks that it is because we are told that we have to be normal. And the more that I come out and assert who I am the less “normal” I become. That she thinks that being shunned one to many times has caused me to question my every move when it comes to being different from ‘everyone else.’ I think that she is right. It has been really hard. I hate feeling like I am so different. She asked me if this is what I really want or if I am maybe second guessing and if I think I am changing my mind. I told her that I am pretty sure this is what I want, but that I’ve just been feeling upset. She told me that she will always support me and that if I decide to stop where I am at, she is ok with that and that I will just have a deeper voice and will be a little hairier but that whether I continue on or not, she will always support me.

When she talks to me and tells me things like that it always reassures me of two things. That I love her so much and that I am doing the right thing. I think I just get so wrapped up in my head and I get so scared sometimes of being different and standing out. It frightens me. Risking the people are close to me and my potential safety. But I know that this is really what I need.

 

Wes.

Just Man Up

I’ve been struggling with coming out at work. 

I hate being in this weird limbo stage. It kind of fucks with my head a little, being one person at work and someone different everywhere else. I have started coming out slowly to more people. I came out to a woman yesterday and she seemed supportive. But I know that she is a lesbian, so it felt like a safe bet. It’s the macho straight cis-guys that sit in the cubicles on either side of me that I would like to share my status with, but I am a little apprehensive to do so. I also almost came out in my team meeting on Wednesday, but I just could not get the nerve up.

I was talking about it with a younger woman I work with who knows. She stopped by my desk the other night to say good-bye. I was finishing up a phone call with a customer. She was telling me that she just couldn’t believe how much my voice has changed, but that she noticed it was significantly more feminine when I was on the phone. I explained that my ‘phone voice’ has always been that way, and it’s a really hard habit to break. Also, it’s been a little bit of a struggle to train myself to speak from my chest instead of my throat. Sometimes the rattling/vibrating feeling I get because my voice is much deeper reminds me that I’m doing it right, but out of habit I always revert back to my throat. I explained this to her, but she didn’t seem to understand. After 26 years, old habits die hard. We were also talking about my facial hair because I had shown her how well it was growing in. She asked if that was just me letting it grow and I explained that I shaved a few days ago, but that it’s coming in very quickly now and I’m just waiting for it to fill in. She told me that I just need to let it grow and see where it goes. I explained to her that since it is so visible, and since I don’t pass I am concerned with looking unkempt and it drawing people’s attention more. She told me to fuck what they think and asked, “But it’s that what you were going for? Didn’t you want facial hair?” I explained to her that I do, indeed, want facial hair, but that at this point in time I need to be careful. I am in this in-between faze and I am concerned for my safety and I am tired of being stared at, that the last thing I want is to draw even more attention to myself in general public. She said that she understood, but I realized she didn’t when she told me:

Just man up and do it.

This was really concerning to me and I realized that even people in our own community don’t understand. This more than ever makes me want to fight for education in our own community as well as with the general public. How can we expect the straight and cis-gendered community to see, understand and accept us if the people ‘most like us’ (if you will) don’t. I brushed it off at the time, and tried to explain once more my view, but she still didn’t seem to get it. The more I think about it though the more it bothers me.

Doin It By My Self

Tonight I gave myself my first self administered T shot!
Full disclosure, I had to use the tiny insulin needle to get the courage. But you know what, it doesn’t matter!
It only took me 16 weeks and Kass being too sick to want to do it for me to finally get the courage. And I am damn stoked.
Also, I’m kind of happy because the last three or four weeks we’ve been doing it I’ve been bleeding quite a bit. A friend of mine on Facebook said that his last shot he did it wouldn’t stop bleeding. He called his doctor because he was worried. There was noting when he aspirated, but when he pulled out it just gushed. His doctor said that it was ok, but that he knocked or went through a vein. He told him he would be fine, but that his body would metabolize it much faster and that he would experience sweats and “roid-rage.”
This made me feel a bit happy. I have been crazed lately. My road rage is back, I want to pick fights with people, I argue with my customers at work, Kass and I have been fighting because I’ve been acting like a dick and I’ve been sweating like the fuckin pig.
I’m glad to know why.
I’ve been a little worried that this was the ‘new’ me.
I didn’t bleed even a teeny tiny bit tonight so I’m really hoping that I will cool down a little bit.

Wes.

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Plans and hobbies.

I’m at school early today.

Kass and I only having one car means that she drops me off around 10:20, and then I hang out until my class at 6. And then she comes to get me after work. 

Today is Student Success Day, so all classes until 7pm are cancelled. I really hope that my class is not cancelled. My professor didn’t email us to tell us, but that would be my luck. 

Kass and I have decided to make a plan to better grow individually and as a couple. Things have been a little hard lately and we want to get back on track. Kass has decided that she thinks she is going to take singing lessons. I’m really excited for her because she is a good singer, and I think with some lessons she could be amazing. I haven’t decided what my hobby is going to be yet. I love art, but the last few years it has just felt like so much work. Much more than it is worth. It makes me sad, but I want a hobby that I am going to enjoy not one that I am going to feel exhausted over. 

I’ve kind of been thinking spoken word.

I’ve always really loved it. I think it is so beautiful. And I write a lot. When I’m not writing here I’m trying to keep up with a personal journal that I have with me almost all the time. I slack sometimes, but it’s just nice to have a place to put all my shit and to just write nonsense. It took me a long time to be able to keep a decent journal. I always felt there was some unseen audience that was going to one day read my journal. Like I would be a modern day Emily Dickinson, and people will find my writings after my death and it should be perfect, everything explained so they can follow along, with good penmanship, and excellent grammar. 

I’ve tried very hard to get out of that habit, and I think I’ve done really well. Sometimes if I have an issue, I just write about it over and over and over, and it doesn’t matter, because it’s only mine and no one, not even myself will probably ever read it. Ever. 

I digress. I think that I would like to start spoken word. I was looking for some workshops on it around me but couldn’t find any, so I’ve been surfing the web trying to find some videos and tips and tutorials. I would also like to start going to some like slam poetry events. I think it would be a great way to speak about my experiences and maybe connect more with some people from the LGBT community around here. I feel like such an outside from the community. I think it is my fault because I am so shy and paralyzed with fear when it comes to going and doing new things, but we said that we would work on this plan, and I really want to do this. For me, for Kass, for us. 

Weston.