I never meant to be the greatest….

…I only ever wanted to be your baby.

I have been absent from my blog for far too long.

Lately I have thought a lot about blogging but have just not gotten around/taken the time to do it.

I always find something more important/less important to do.

Kass and I are celebrating our two year wedding anniversary at the end of the month. Last month we celebrated six years together. We’re doing really good. We, of course, have our ups and downs, but things are good. We just moved into a new place in July that we both really like. We turned the dining room into office space for the both of us, so we each have a nice deck and fancy matching chairs. We’re slowly decorating the place.

I’ve been cooking more, which I really enjoy. Most of the time.

Sometimes I just hate cooking.

But our new kitchen has so much more space its amazing.

We even started a little garden on our balcony. Mostly herbs this year, because we weren’t sure how it would go. And all the Bonnie’s tomato plants we bought, or attempted to buy, had blight. We talked to someone at Lowe’s and she said that pretty much every plant she saw from them had blight this year. So that was a no go. But I planted basil, oregano, sweet mint, peppermint, dill, thyme. And some roses. And then just some pretty wild flowers. It made the balcony so beautiful.

So I’ve been doing a lot of cooking in the new space, and using a lot of the herbs. Everything has been so fresh and tasty. And I’ve been doing mostly vegan cooking with has been really nice. Really adds to the freshness. I’ve been experimenting more and I think that I’m getting much better at cooking. It really awesome to spend time working on something and then have it come out to look and taste so amazing.

I’ve actually been thinking about creating a (mostly)vegan/diet/trans blog. Probably joined with this one. Maybe not. I’m thinking that maybe if I get a blog going maybe it will help me a little on days that I just want to cook shite. And also maybe it will keep me on track because I’m really trying to lose weight. And I would really like a trans fitness buddy, so I’m thinking maybe it will connect me with other trans folks who are also looking for the same thing. I really need the motivation. I’m not expecting them to push me, but I’m hoping that if I have someone relying on me, and I’m relying on them we can give each other props and maybe I’ll make a good friend at the same time.

I’m almost at a year a 11 months on T. It feels weird to think about.

I just feel like I’m in this weird mismatched gender limbo.

Sometimes I just wish that people inherently knew that I was trans, and wasn’t a boy or a girl. I just am.

2+ years in I’m still having a hard time getting used to everything. It catches me off guard when people call me ‘he’ or ‘sir.’ Sometimes I still get a little offended, and then I’m like, Oh right. I have a (one notch above shabby) beard. Of course you think I’m a ‘sir.’ Based on the signals I’m sending you, that’s what you’re supposed to think.

I don’t know. It’s still just very hard for me. I don’t know why. Kass has adjusted very well. She is having a much easier time with it than I am. I guess I maybe have this internalized transphobia. It wouldn’t hurt to know more people like myself. To have people that I can talk to. But I have a hard time liking and trusting people. The ones that I do end up liking and trusting end up being assholes. Trans, and cis alike.

And I’m lost like all of my guy friends from before. I mean, I had like three. Not a ton. Then I had like one. And he’s just kind of fallen off the face of the earth. I feel so alone. Sometimes I wish that I had someone to talk to. Aside from Kass. I tell her most everything. But sometimes I just wish I had a guy I could talk to. Or another trans guy that knew what I felt. In my head it feels like it would make things feel a little better.

On the plus side, my beard is filling in. Sadly though, I’m already getting grey whiskers. It’s so sad. I just get it and it’s already turning grey. But I’m not quite 28, and am already seriously considering getting some Just for Me. So I guess it would make sense that my beard is just following suite.

I also get a lot of whiskers that fall out. I always get several on my desk throughout the day, and they look like little wiry pubes. It always freaks me out for a second,

Who rubbed their ball sack on my desk?!

Oh, wait. That’s just from my beard.

So there’s that.

-Wes

I want to make a difference

I want to write about something a little different today.

The same topic, but a little more outside myself and outside our household.

The world saddens me. I cannot help but feel sadness and fear whenever I read the news. And not real news, because that’s not real news. But news, about real people.

Like the little 10 year old Brony that tried to hang himself because people made fun of him because they thought he was gay because he like My Little Ponys.

Like the transgender girl that was set on fire because she wore a skirt to school.

Like every time I read that our community’s suicide and murder rates are exponentially higher than any other. That if the suicide rate were this high for the straight community, the government would call it a public health crisis.

 

I find that the further along I get in my transition, I feel more deeply. I feel more of a call to action. I feel like maybe can make a change in this world.

Recently I contacted my local Big Brothers Big Sisters chapter. I have wanted to be a Big all my life. I know that there are a lot of children out there in need of someone, anyone to support them and hang out with them more than they have.

But I don’t want just that. I want to help someone like me. Someone young and with no support. I want to save someone from taking the path that I did.

So I emailed BBBS and told them my story. I told them how and where I grew up. I told them that I started drinking and using drugs. I told them that I left home at the age of 19 and moved halfway across the country to spend two wasted years of my life with a woman that didn’t deserve my time and attention, just because I wanted to feel love from someone that I thought saw the real me. I told them about how I moved back home when I left her and my parents kicked me out two weeks later because they didn’t like that I brought my new girlfriend home one night. I told them about how instead of letting me be homeless this woman let me move to Minnesota with her, and moved me into her home despite the fact that we had only been dating for two weeks. I told them about the suffering and loneliness that I had endured. That I don’t speak to my parents. That I almost gave up. I told them about my transition. I told them that I wasn’t claiming that if I had a Big or someone in my corner to support me that I thought my life would have been different, that I thought I wouldn’t have felt so much heartbreak, that it wouldn’t have taken me so long to finally be where others are right out of high school when they have that support and encouragement, but I told them that I thought everything would be different. And that I wanted to give that to someone like me. That with everything going on in our society, I thought more children deserved more of a chance. That if we could start an LGBTQ chapter we could touch so many more lives. That we could tell these kids “We See You and We Care.”

I haven’t heard back from them yet.

I’m hoping that I do, because this is something that is very important to me. I don’t think that at this time in my life it is something that I can start on my own, and I’m not totally sure how I would go about doing that, but I really hope since they are already established, it is something that we can get going that way.

And I would be more than happy to be the first LGBTQ Big.

I just really want to make changes. I want to make this a better place to live. I want people to be happy, and I want to stop hearing heartbreaking stories about young children hurting each other and those kids feeling it necessary to end their lives.

Wes.