About a year ago, I finally came to a conclusion. A big one.
I’m not a lesbian female. Not anymore. Not really ever. Lesbian was never a proper fit for me. I hate the word for myself. It feels…. foreign.
In my head I’m a man. A good looking one, too. He’s strong and quick witted. Brave. Mysterious. He’s intelligent. An amazing lover, never jealous and always early.
I am none of these things. Well… I’m smart. Not always common sense smart, but I’m smart. I can carry on a conversation about most things… except anything that has to do with math (this I’ve always known, but was glaringly obvious recently over coffee with a new friend). I am clumsy. I am messy. I am forgetful. Probably most of all, I am awkward. So awkward.
And I am transgender.
It’s always been a bit of a struggle to understand. My gender has always wandered back and fourth, back and fourth. It’s confusing. A question always running in my head:
“What am I?”
Within the last year, I have settled on the what. It’s been hard some times. The who feels like that will be a question that will take longer to answer.
On October 22, two days after my 26th birthday, I had my first appointment with my endocrinologist. That evening, I had my first shot of Testosterone. My wife gave me the shot. She has been very supportive. I don’t have a video of the first shot like many people do. I thought about taking one, but I didn’t. Half of me is glad and half of me wishes I could watch it over and over. I think watching me yell and wimp out several times would be hilarious to watch. Funny enough, I don’t think shots are so scary.
Until someone is winding up to shove a 2 inch long needle into my thigh muscle.
Then shit gets real.
Today is day 27.
I haven’t seen any real changes yet. I wake up every morning eagerly anticipating my beard. I think that my voice has changed some. I am going to start doing random recordings to see if I can tell for myself. We already take a lot of videos of random things, so keeping up shouldn’t be hard. Logging them will be the part I need to keep up with. I have also started taking photos everyday. So when the changes start, I will be able to see when they happened.
My wife and I are going to maintain this blog together. A sort of transitioning together blog. It is our journey and our story, we figure why not tell it together.