I never meant to be the greatest….

…I only ever wanted to be your baby.

I have been absent from my blog for far too long.

Lately I have thought a lot about blogging but have just not gotten around/taken the time to do it.

I always find something more important/less important to do.

Kass and I are celebrating our two year wedding anniversary at the end of the month. Last month we celebrated six years together. We’re doing really good. We, of course, have our ups and downs, but things are good. We just moved into a new place in July that we both really like. We turned the dining room into office space for the both of us, so we each have a nice deck and fancy matching chairs. We’re slowly decorating the place.

I’ve been cooking more, which I really enjoy. Most of the time.

Sometimes I just hate cooking.

But our new kitchen has so much more space its amazing.

We even started a little garden on our balcony. Mostly herbs this year, because we weren’t sure how it would go. And all the Bonnie’s tomato plants we bought, or attempted to buy, had blight. We talked to someone at Lowe’s and she said that pretty much every plant she saw from them had blight this year. So that was a no go. But I planted basil, oregano, sweet mint, peppermint, dill, thyme. And some roses. And then just some pretty wild flowers. It made the balcony so beautiful.

So I’ve been doing a lot of cooking in the new space, and using a lot of the herbs. Everything has been so fresh and tasty. And I’ve been doing mostly vegan cooking with has been really nice. Really adds to the freshness. I’ve been experimenting more and I think that I’m getting much better at cooking. It really awesome to spend time working on something and then have it come out to look and taste so amazing.

I’ve actually been thinking about creating a (mostly)vegan/diet/trans blog. Probably joined with this one. Maybe not. I’m thinking that maybe if I get a blog going maybe it will help me a little on days that I just want to cook shite. And also maybe it will keep me on track because I’m really trying to lose weight. And I would really like a trans fitness buddy, so I’m thinking maybe it will connect me with other trans folks who are also looking for the same thing. I really need the motivation. I’m not expecting them to push me, but I’m hoping that if I have someone relying on me, and I’m relying on them we can give each other props and maybe I’ll make a good friend at the same time.

I’m almost at a year a 11 months on T. It feels weird to think about.

I just feel like I’m in this weird mismatched gender limbo.

Sometimes I just wish that people inherently knew that I was trans, and wasn’t a boy or a girl. I just am.

2+ years in I’m still having a hard time getting used to everything. It catches me off guard when people call me ‘he’ or ‘sir.’ Sometimes I still get a little offended, and then I’m like, Oh right. I have a (one notch above shabby) beard. Of course you think I’m a ‘sir.’ Based on the signals I’m sending you, that’s what you’re supposed to think.

I don’t know. It’s still just very hard for me. I don’t know why. Kass has adjusted very well. She is having a much easier time with it than I am. I guess I maybe have this internalized transphobia. It wouldn’t hurt to know more people like myself. To have people that I can talk to. But I have a hard time liking and trusting people. The ones that I do end up liking and trusting end up being assholes. Trans, and cis alike.

And I’m lost like all of my guy friends from before. I mean, I had like three. Not a ton. Then I had like one. And he’s just kind of fallen off the face of the earth. I feel so alone. Sometimes I wish that I had someone to talk to. Aside from Kass. I tell her most everything. But sometimes I just wish I had a guy I could talk to. Or another trans guy that knew what I felt. In my head it feels like it would make things feel a little better.

On the plus side, my beard is filling in. Sadly though, I’m already getting grey whiskers. It’s so sad. I just get it and it’s already turning grey. But I’m not quite 28, and am already seriously considering getting some Just for Me. So I guess it would make sense that my beard is just following suite.

I also get a lot of whiskers that fall out. I always get several on my desk throughout the day, and they look like little wiry pubes. It always freaks me out for a second,

Who rubbed their ball sack on my desk?!

Oh, wait. That’s just from my beard.

So there’s that.

-Wes

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Down on the West Coast they got a sayin’

It’s been a while since I’ve taken the time to write. Kass is taking time off from the blog as well, so for now I’m taking it over as my own. Though I’m sure she will still pop on every now and then. She’s had a lot of her own stuff going on between work and school and such.

So much has been going on. We went to California for two weeks back in June/July. It was amazing. I seriously want to move there now. We spent a few days in San Francisco and then we flew down to LA and hung out there. We did all the touristy things which I loved and drove around a bunch, went to the beach. I saw the guy that plays Turk from Scrubs at a barbecue joint our first night in LA, but that was our only celebrity sighting that we were sure of.

Turned 27 on October 20th.

December 22nd was my 1 year and 2 month anniversary on T. I’m pretty pleased. My wife says she really hears changes in my voice. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t. She says I sound totally different. I have been trying to keep up with pictures and recordings of my voice, but I just don’t honestly remember. I was going to do a one year voice change video but I don’t have enough, so I’m thinking I’ll make a two year video.

I am now one of the operators for the new Trans LifeLine, a for Trans* folk, by Trans* for crisis line. I’ve logged in a couple times, but haven’t gotten a call yet. I’ve been really sick with a bad cold and my asthma the last few weeks, so I haven’t really logged on because I just don’t feel like I would be as good as I should be for someone calling in a potential crisis. I am super proud of being a part of it though. I think it’s an amazing service and I’m glad that something like this has been created. If you or anyone you know needs help, do not hesitate to call.

http://www.translifeline.org  (877) 565-8860 in the US and (877) 330-6366 in Canada.

Kass and I had a pretty good Christmas. We opened our presents on Christmas Eve. I was supposed to go to work but stayed home because I’m sick. Sadly, I won’t get my holiday pay, but that’s ok. Kass found us an immediate care and pharmacy that was open, because she is super sick, too. The experience was less than favorable. The guy at the registration counter understood immediately that I was trans and when I asked if he could put a different name of my forms and he was like oh yeah, no problem. I thought man, this is going to go so smooth. And then I got called into triage, and into administration, and to go back to my room. And every. single. time. they called my legal name. Even though he wrote my name in bold at the top of my sheet and underlined it a bunch. By the third time I was about ready to throw down. I thought I was going to lose it. Kass and I both said something to the woman taking us back and she was like oh yeah, I saw that. Seriously? You saw it, but what? Just ignored it? I was livid. Then we get back into our rooms and the nurse comes to mine first and calls me by my legal name. I corrected her and she just ignored me. Then she went to Kass’ room and she asked if she had been to my room yet, and the woman told her no, even though she already had been. Kass told her that my preferred name is Wes and my preferred pronouns are he/his/him and that I’ve had it up to here with everyone saying my legal name and female pronouns. So when she came back in she was extra nice and kept calling me Wes. We got the name of the person in charge though and are going to call, because it was just not a great experience, it was so uncomfortable and could have been dangerous. I’m always on the look out for stuff like that. I hate that I prepare myself to get my ass kicked. Do I think I will? Probably not. But I hate that I feel like I have to be ready, just in case.

When we got back home we opened our gifts. I got her an acoustic guitar and cell phone case, a “Notorious Ruth Bader Ginsburg” shirt, and some other stuff and she got me a P-Style and a case, a bread maker, ice cream machine and some awesome cookbooks, one for my bread machine and one called Thug Kitchen that’s like a super cool food truck cookbook with foul language, an Oyster subscription and some other stuff. We’ve been hanging out playing Sims and SimCity and watching Lock Up and Roseanne marathons. Tonight I made a small ham, green bean casserole, and cheesy hash browns.

Tomorrow we’re going out to do a little shopping and I’m going to get stuff to make a couple loaves of bread. I also need a haircut something fierce and there is a pretty cook barbershop that I have really been looking to try out. It’s this kind of rockabilly place called Floyd’s 99.

Well, that’s what I’ve been up too. I’m going to make a point to write more frequently again.

And here is my day 1 on October 22, 2013 vs. 1 year, 1 month, and 1 week one testosterone.

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4 months and some days

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The last week I have been obsessed with this song. I can’t even handle it. So. Good.

Ok, have not updated in a week and quite a few things have happened that I am really pleased about.

First things first:

I came out to my whole team in our meeting last Thursday. It was really great. I was super scared to do it, but I did it and everyone was really supportive. They all actually applauded me. I felt like Ellen Page. I’m even allowed to go by my chosen name on the phones now and at work and my supervisor is still trying to get HR to get my email and chat name changed too.

Saturday was my four months on T. It feels like I just started, but it also feels like it’s been forever. Such a strange feeling.

Today I had my third appointment with my endo. She said that all my labs are great and the my testosterone levels are in the normal male range. On the very low side, but in the actual male range. And she upped my dosage. So I am now on 60ml once a week. I am really excited.

We also discussed my mental health and some other concerns that I have had. The first two times I saw her I wasn’t sure how I felt about her, she’s just very straight forward and blunt, but this time I didn’t feel rushed and we just got to sit and talk. It was really nice. She gave me a referral for a psych consult and a new therapist since I don’t like the one I got my T letter from anymore. And she didn’t judge me for telling her I’ve been feeling depressed. Which I was really worried she would be like oh, you’re not stable, we shouldn’t raise your dosage, but she didn’t do anything like that. She was just really respectful and we talked about it and she let me know what she thought. Which I had talked to Kass about and was already planning on going to a psychiatrist, but I felt better to tell my doctor because I generally lie to them. So I liked being able to be honest with her. Next time I come in she is going to run some additional labs because I have been having the worst Charlie horses and she isn’t sure why and then she is going to do a full physical. Which I am not excited about, but glad that it will be with her and I don’t have to explain my ‘situation’ to someone new. How awkward.

In all the last week has been pretty good and I’m happy with the outcome across the board.

Coming out at Work.

So the other day I posted about having some issues with not being out at work. I was struggling really bad and I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to tell someone or I felt like I might walk of my job. And that was absolutely not an option.

So. Come out it is!

Out of a roughly 500 employee building maybe 5 people knew or so. One of them being a supervisor that I had the beginning of last year. I IMed her and told her that I really needed to talk, that I was going to explode and that somehow, someone needed to help me come out and use my chosen name. She put me in her calendar for 4pm. 

After my lunch I raced up to the third floor and waited. I waited for about 15 minutes and decided that she probably forgot. I was feeling a little furious by this point so I headed back to my desk. My current supervisor IMed me when I got back and asked her if I could come see her. She had a call for me to listen to. A customer complained about me because I wasn’t able to lower his bill. She said that was all she had for me and asked if I had anything. I asked her if we could talk in private. She we went to an office and shut the door. When I came out to the last supervisor, I thought I was going to pass out. I started seeing spots and felt light headed. My ears were ringing. This time, I just sat down and told her.

I’m transgender. And I need your help.

She looked a little surprised, but not so surprised.

She told me that she was glad I came to her and she went right to work helping me sort everything out. My original supervisor told me that HR told her that I would not be allowed to change my name until it was legally done. This was last May before I had even gotten my letter. I sucked it up and was fine with it. But now that I am in this odd stage, my voice dropping, growing facial hair, etc., I just can’t handle the thought of addressing myself with such a female name anymore. The thought was debilitating. And it was honestly affecting my work and in turn my commission. 

My new supervisor came back to me about 30 minutes late. She had gone directly to HR and told them what I needed as a transgender employee. They were totally fine with it and she said they seemed to not even remember saying no the first time. Which is great, albeit a little frustrating. In the meantime the other supervisor had tracked me down and apologized for missing out meeting, she was pulled into her supervisor’s office and was reprimanded (She is actually a really good supervisor, but she has quite a mouth on her and if she sees something that she doesn’t like or doesn’t think is right, she will quickly say something and it gets her in trouble. Often.) So she pulled me aside and we talked. She said that she and my new supervisor would tag team HR to get this resolved because the last thing she wanted was for me to feel uncomfortable at work.

So my new supervisor is now working on getting my name changed for my email address and in our IM system and she got me a new name tag for my desk. In the next supervisor meeting she is going to let everyone know so that I don’t have to and she said that it will get around, and I don’t need to worry about it, and that she will field as many questions for me as she can. I am going to let my team know in our meeting tomorrow. I am a little nervous to come out to about 15 people at once, but I think that most of them will be ok with it. I actually had to two macho guys that sit in the cubes on either side of me as me what I had started calling myself. I told them Wes. One of the guys is in a wheelchair and he told me that he wanted to start going by Hot Wheels. So for the rest of the day that’s what we called him. The guy that sits on the other side started using Wes right away. He then asked me if that was what I wanted him to do and I told him I would appreciate it. Later that evening he asked me why I had picked Wes and what it stood for. I explained it was short for Weston and then I took a deep breath and told him I am actually transgender and I wanted a very old school masculine sounding name.

He looked me in the eye, held out his fist to fist bump me and said “You do what you do, you’ve always been cool to me.” 

And that was it.

If coming out can always be this easy with that great of a response I would like that please and thank you.

This has however caused some weird feelings for me. Whenever I come out to someone and I feel that it is really important, I always question myself over and over for a while after that. 

Is this really what I want? What if I changed my mind? Do I really like the name I picked? How do I know I want to be a man?

hate that I do this to myself. But it seriously happens like every time. It’s really frustrating. I did it again this weekend. All weekend I questioned myself and my motives and felt so uncomfortable. I try to avoid talking about this as much as possible. Maybe because I don’t want it to take away points from my “trans enough” status or something, I don’t know. But I finally opened up to Kass about it last night. She could tell there was this nervous energy radiating off of me. That and my Trichotillomania got a little intense yesterday. I pulled out like half of my eyelashes sitting at work (only partially exaggerating). She told me that she thinks that it is because we are told that we have to be normal. And the more that I come out and assert who I am the less “normal” I become. That she thinks that being shunned one to many times has caused me to question my every move when it comes to being different from ‘everyone else.’ I think that she is right. It has been really hard. I hate feeling like I am so different. She asked me if this is what I really want or if I am maybe second guessing and if I think I am changing my mind. I told her that I am pretty sure this is what I want, but that I’ve just been feeling upset. She told me that she will always support me and that if I decide to stop where I am at, she is ok with that and that I will just have a deeper voice and will be a little hairier but that whether I continue on or not, she will always support me.

When she talks to me and tells me things like that it always reassures me of two things. That I love her so much and that I am doing the right thing. I think I just get so wrapped up in my head and I get so scared sometimes of being different and standing out. It frightens me. Risking the people are close to me and my potential safety. But I know that this is really what I need.

 

Wes.

Doin It By My Self

Tonight I gave myself my first self administered T shot!
Full disclosure, I had to use the tiny insulin needle to get the courage. But you know what, it doesn’t matter!
It only took me 16 weeks and Kass being too sick to want to do it for me to finally get the courage. And I am damn stoked.
Also, I’m kind of happy because the last three or four weeks we’ve been doing it I’ve been bleeding quite a bit. A friend of mine on Facebook said that his last shot he did it wouldn’t stop bleeding. He called his doctor because he was worried. There was noting when he aspirated, but when he pulled out it just gushed. His doctor said that it was ok, but that he knocked or went through a vein. He told him he would be fine, but that his body would metabolize it much faster and that he would experience sweats and “roid-rage.”
This made me feel a bit happy. I have been crazed lately. My road rage is back, I want to pick fights with people, I argue with my customers at work, Kass and I have been fighting because I’ve been acting like a dick and I’ve been sweating like the fuckin pig.
I’m glad to know why.
I’ve been a little worried that this was the ‘new’ me.
I didn’t bleed even a teeny tiny bit tonight so I’m really hoping that I will cool down a little bit.

Wes.

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I want to make a difference

I want to write about something a little different today.

The same topic, but a little more outside myself and outside our household.

The world saddens me. I cannot help but feel sadness and fear whenever I read the news. And not real news, because that’s not real news. But news, about real people.

Like the little 10 year old Brony that tried to hang himself because people made fun of him because they thought he was gay because he like My Little Ponys.

Like the transgender girl that was set on fire because she wore a skirt to school.

Like every time I read that our community’s suicide and murder rates are exponentially higher than any other. That if the suicide rate were this high for the straight community, the government would call it a public health crisis.

 

I find that the further along I get in my transition, I feel more deeply. I feel more of a call to action. I feel like maybe can make a change in this world.

Recently I contacted my local Big Brothers Big Sisters chapter. I have wanted to be a Big all my life. I know that there are a lot of children out there in need of someone, anyone to support them and hang out with them more than they have.

But I don’t want just that. I want to help someone like me. Someone young and with no support. I want to save someone from taking the path that I did.

So I emailed BBBS and told them my story. I told them how and where I grew up. I told them that I started drinking and using drugs. I told them that I left home at the age of 19 and moved halfway across the country to spend two wasted years of my life with a woman that didn’t deserve my time and attention, just because I wanted to feel love from someone that I thought saw the real me. I told them about how I moved back home when I left her and my parents kicked me out two weeks later because they didn’t like that I brought my new girlfriend home one night. I told them about how instead of letting me be homeless this woman let me move to Minnesota with her, and moved me into her home despite the fact that we had only been dating for two weeks. I told them about the suffering and loneliness that I had endured. That I don’t speak to my parents. That I almost gave up. I told them about my transition. I told them that I wasn’t claiming that if I had a Big or someone in my corner to support me that I thought my life would have been different, that I thought I wouldn’t have felt so much heartbreak, that it wouldn’t have taken me so long to finally be where others are right out of high school when they have that support and encouragement, but I told them that I thought everything would be different. And that I wanted to give that to someone like me. That with everything going on in our society, I thought more children deserved more of a chance. That if we could start an LGBTQ chapter we could touch so many more lives. That we could tell these kids “We See You and We Care.”

I haven’t heard back from them yet.

I’m hoping that I do, because this is something that is very important to me. I don’t think that at this time in my life it is something that I can start on my own, and I’m not totally sure how I would go about doing that, but I really hope since they are already established, it is something that we can get going that way.

And I would be more than happy to be the first LGBTQ Big.

I just really want to make changes. I want to make this a better place to live. I want people to be happy, and I want to stop hearing heartbreaking stories about young children hurting each other and those kids feeling it necessary to end their lives.

Wes.

Day 107

I have began shaving rather frequently because my facial hair is starting to grow in a bit faster. I also noticed a day or two ago that my sideburn area is also getting furrier. Under my chin was always something that I had to shave, but now it is starting to come in a little more.

Tonight I went in to shave because it comes in spotty and since I still don’t really pass I get weird looks when people see how much facial hair I have. I’m sure they just assume that I am unkempt, which is fine, but I would prefer if they didn’t think that.

Anywho… before I shaved I decided to take some progress photos because I am pretty proud of how well everything is starting in already. 

This picture is the left side of my face, this side is doing better than the right. Both of the side burn pictures are about a week without shaving.

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This is the right side. You can tell something is going on, but the camera doesn’t really pick it up. And you have to look really really close…

 

 

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And this is my chin. This has never had an issue growing, its just getting more of it that I need. It is starting to move up my chin in two little patches on the side. I shaved this yesterday. Also, you can see the issues with acne that I am fending off. I really hoped I wouldn’t get any since I didn’t my first go around with puberty, but it’s trying.

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And my mustache trying to get in on the action. This was shaved I believe two weeks ago.

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And just because I feel super cool

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So yeah. I am super proud of how far I’ve come up to this point and am really excited for all the further changes. 

I just had to share!

 

Wes.