Thanksgiving, homework, shopping, work party.

Aside

Another packed week has gone by and begun for us. We are both finishing up our respective semesters and instead of enjoying our days off or the holiday, we have both been cramming in homework. Kass has taken a quick hiatus from the blog, only because she can’t keep up with posting and all of the reading she has to do and the papers she has to write.

Starting from the beginning of last week, I still cannot get the nerve to give myself my own shot. The thought of stabbing myself in the leg literally makes my muscles freeze.

Can’t.

Do.

It.

So, yet again Kass came to the rescue. She made me hold the needle, but she actually did it. I jumped and the needle stabbed all around in my thigh. It was actually kinda gross. Surprisingly enough there was zero blood. Any other time, quick in, quick out in a straight line and I bleed all over. What is up with my thigh?

Then for Thanksgiving, we spent the day at home together. We were supposed to go over to Kass’ dad’s and spend it with him, which would have been their first Thanksgiving together in about ten years. Short of the long, Kass’ dad is a chronic alcoholic. He called us last Saturday asking us for help because he had been drinking. He told us that he wanted to go to rehab. So we drove the forty-five minutes to go get him, took him to the hospital so they could take him to detox so we could then get the ball rolling to get him into rehab. After he got out of detox he pretty much wont answer any phone calls or texts. So he, as Kass put it, chose to sit home alone and pout on Thanksgiving rather then spend it with us. So that didn’t happen, and since I am still not speaking to my parents and my family is about five hours away, we just spent it at home together.

I made biscuits and gravy for breakfast and then we had ribs, lil smokies, god damn green bean casserole, and strawberry cheese cake. We got a bunch of other food too, but quickly realized that in our excitement the night before we had gone WAY overboard for just the two of us. We then did homework and watched movies. All in all it was a great Thanksgiving.

If you don’t count all the other stuff.

But as Kass says, before she met me she was eating gas station hot dogs on Thanksgiving. And before I met her I spent it with my ex and her family, and it always turned into this drunken angry brawl.

Our simple, sweet Thanksgivings at home, just us and our little cat, are so much better.

This weekend was my work holiday party. Kass and I have really been looking forward to it. We loving things like those. We went shopping yesterday for new clothes. I got a really nice winter sweater, the JFK kind with the three buttons on the top, and a new knit bow tie. Kass got a really pretty red party dress. We went to this little boutique by our house that has really pretty and cheap jewelry. We got a lot from there for her and our bridesmaids for our wedding, so we went back to get her some new jewelry for the party. This one sales women in particular is always really excited to see us. The problem is she is always “ladies, ladies, ladies!” It’s really uncomfortable. Then she asked what we needed the jewelry for. She had gendered me so much we both just stood frozen for a second. I could tell Kass was trying to figure a way to say, “we are going to his work holiday party” but just couldn’t get it out. I just jumped in quick and answered.

The party was so much fun. It was casino themed which was a lot of fun. We love the casino. We played poker and the ponys. We hung out with some people that we know and we attempted to win prizes. I was such a wonderful evening. Kass looked just gorgeous and it was so great being able to introduce her to everyone as “my wife, Kass.” I was so proud. I love going out with her.

One thing that has been bothering me a little is how the harder I try to represent myself as a male, the more I get called miss, ma’am, ladies, etc. It seemed like on Saturday while we were shopping we were “ladies,” and “you girls.” And then our friends that we were hanging out with this evening at the party both know I am trans. One of them is actually also trans, and he doesn’t say much. The other woman couldn’t seem to get anything right. She kept going between Weston and my given name, and kept calling me she. Kass noticed it more than I did I think and was pretty bothered by it since the woman has known longer than most people.

I’m not sure how to feel about all of this. I’m not sure if we are just more sensitive to it now, though we both don’t think this is the case. Or if people are being spiteful. Or if it is totally an unconscious effort on their part and they do it simply because they have figured me out. I’m not sure of the answer, I just know it’s kind of bothersome, and I’m not quite sure how to handle it. Or if I should even bother most of the time.

Weston.

Estrogen: Out in a Blaze of Glory

It has been quite a week in our household. Many things going on.
Unfortunately, one of the many things included my period. I know that I should not be surprised, I have only been on T for about a month, but I can dream right?
I did notice it really fucked with me this time around though. I always get really moody and a little angry and very sad. But this time it was different.
I was angry.
I was sad.
I was lonely.
But different was I was regretting my transition.
In the shower Sunday morning it hit me. I suddenly felt very upset about my choice and very overwhelmed. I felt sad. I felt like I had ruined myself. I felt irrational.
Luckily my rational brain decided to do its yearly check in right at this moment and tell me to simmer down. It told me to take a deep breath. Nothing was ruined. At this point I haven’t seen any changes so nothing is irreversible yet. And that if I still feel this way in a week, I can reassess everything.
Thankfully today I am feeling more normal again.
I don’t know if my female hormones have just decided they are going to go out with a bang, or if I was just my normal moody self but I had something specific I was really moody about. I’m not sure. I have to say it wasn’t very pleasant.
Has anyone else had this experience before within the first few months of their transition?
Weston.

T shots, parents and bathrooms

So last night as Kass said, I attempted to do my own shot. Unfortunately, it did not happen, so after about 12 minutes or so, Kass came to the rescue. Shot number five was then and only then a success.
Today I feel a little over and underwhelmed, as well as a bit emotional.
I’m not sure if I’m just having a totally unrelated moody day or if it has to do with my hormones. Normally I would be getting my period anywhere between now and roughly the next five days. I’m going to assume I am getting it seeing as this is only day 30 on T, but my period is already so light and short that I wouldn’t really be surprised if it was already gone. Besides feeling low today, I have not had any other symptoms, so I guess we will just be surprised.
yay.
I’m also feeling a little stressed out over my parents. I have not spoken to them in about 6 months. The last time we spoke they refused to come to our wedding. I knew at that time that I was going to be transitioning, but I was still in therapy and had not gotten my T letter yet. My therapist told me not to rush it and that we would work on telling them. Well when they refused I just couldn’t do it any more. They always treated Kass like crap and in hopes that they would come around I didn’t really call them in it. They also have made it very clear throughout my life that they refuse to see me as the person I am. My mother always made it very clear that she would not come to the wedding, but my dad promised he would about two years prior to our actual date. When I told him we were finally getting married and he told me that he would not be there, I could no handle it any more. I have refused to speak with them and they have more or less refused to speak with me. My dad did send a nasty letter in August, I think he was a little butt hurt I ignored his birthday, and he sent a text on my birthday and then my mom sent a birthday card from them. I’ve ignored everything, I just can’t do it any more.
Now I have decided to send them a video. That way they can see me, they know that it is coming from me, and I can lay everything out.
From this I am expecting a backlash. They will not take it laying down, nor I’m sure will there be pleasantries.
I have been attempting to plan out and record the video for about 2 weeks now but I just have not been able to bring myself to do it. It feels like too much sadness to force myself to do it.
One other thing I’m having a hard time with is switching back and fourth between my ‘old’ identity and my ‘new’ identity. At home and out I am male and Weston. At work I am female and have to legally go by my given name until I change it. It becomes a bit of a mindfuck for me because I feel like I don’t know who I am.
I am also concerned about restroom usage at work. Well really everywhere, but at work many people know me. There is one unisex restroom on each floor but they are prime for pooping alone, so many times when I try to use it I have to instead go to the women’s anyways. This causes me great concern when I begin passing. What will they allow me to do? How will I discuss this with them? What are my bathroom rights?

Thanks all.
Wes.

Shot 5

This is Kass. 

Tonight Wes attempted to give himself his 5th shot. I have been giving his shots since the first shot. Its usually a bit of dancing around in the bathroom to get him to relax because the needle is the size of a battle ship, but he has admitted that it is most times relatively painless. Tonight though there was a lot of “How are things going” and “Im doing it, sorta” going back and forth between the bathroom door. I dont have an issue with doing the shot, but I figure that since this is a lifetime thing he should get used to doing it himself, just in case for some reason Im unavailable. 

Wes: I cant make myself do it, my hand is just hovering above my thigh. My muscles literally will not move. 

Me: You need to put enough pressure behind it to break the skin

Wes: I just dont know how much that is…

Me: Do you want to practice on an orange or a banana?

Wes: We dont have either…

Me: How about a hotdog bun?

Wes: I just cant make myself do it…

Me: Ok, I’ll be in there to help.

Wes: No! Im going to do it!

Me: Did you do it?

Wes: No. 

Me: Ok, I will come help. 

Next week we will try again. 

And so it begins…

I’m Weston.

About a year ago, I finally came to a conclusion. A big one.

I’m transgender.

I’m not a lesbian female. Not anymore. Not really ever. Lesbian was never a proper fit for me. I hate the word for myself. It feels…. foreign.

In my head I’m a man. A good looking one, too. He’s strong and quick witted. Brave. Mysterious. He’s intelligent. An amazing lover, never jealous and always early.

I am none of these things. Well… I’m smart. Not always common sense smart, but I’m smart. I can carry on a conversation about most things… except anything that has to do with math (this I’ve always known, but was glaringly obvious recently over coffee with a new friend). I am clumsy. I am messy. I am forgetful. Probably most of all, I am awkward. So awkward.

And I am transgender.

It’s always been a bit of a struggle to understand. My gender has always wandered back and fourth, back and fourth. It’s confusing. A question always running in my head:

“What am I?”

Within the last year, I have settled on the what. It’s been hard some times. The who feels like that will be a question that will take longer to answer.

On October 22, two days after my 26th birthday, I had my first appointment with my endocrinologist. That evening, I had my first shot of Testosterone.  My wife gave me the shot. She has been very supportive. I don’t have a video of the first shot like many people do. I thought about taking one, but I didn’t. Half of me is glad and half of me wishes I could watch it over and over. I think watching me yell and wimp out several times would be hilarious to watch. Funny enough, I don’t think shots are so scary.

Until someone is winding up to shove a 2 inch long needle into my thigh muscle.

Then shit gets real.

Today is day 27.

I haven’t seen any real changes yet. I wake up every morning eagerly anticipating my beard. I think that my voice has changed some. I am going to start doing random recordings to see if I can tell for myself. We already take a lot of videos of random things, so keeping up shouldn’t be hard. Logging them will be the part I need to keep up with. I have also started taking photos everyday. So when the changes start, I will be able to see when they happened.

My wife and I are going to maintain this blog together. A sort of transitioning together blog. It is our journey and our story, we figure why not tell it together.

Wes.