Back in the saddle

So I have not been good at writing lately.

But I have good news because after a lot of tests, the doctors finally figured out what was wrong with me.

My gallbladder was only functioning at 13%. So December 17th they removed it. It’s been great. No more mystery side pain. No sickness after every time I eat. Almost no heartburn. And surprisingly, almost no more migraines. I’ve had maybe three or four since my surgery. I usually get that many (or more) in a week. It’s been almost life changing.

I still have days like yesterday where I wake up so nauseous I can hardly function for about two hours. Or like today where I have zero appetite and the thought of food makes me ill. But apparently those are because of the bile my liver is pumping directly into my stomach instead of the gallbladder holding onto it. I guess it makes you sick if theres too much of it.

So I didn’t really cook for a while. And then after my surgery I hardly ate and then it took me a while to really want to cook again. So we ate a lot of Boca and MorningStar stuff. Or pizza. There’s a FamilyVideo/pizza place like two blocks from us and they will deliver movies with your pizza. And return your movies when they go. So, sometimes we’re weak and do that…

But I am trying really hard to start a fitness routine. Currently I am embarking on the 30 Days: 5,000 Kettlebell Swings challenge. I just finished day 3 and boy can I feel it. But it’s awesome because Friday I felt like I was going to die doing 45 in a row. Yesterday I did 55 in a row and the about 20 minutes later did another 10 and then immediately did 70 in a row. Today I plowed through 80. I’m taking a rest because I am not feeling well, like I said, and then I’m going to try and do another set of about 40. Right now I’m using a 15 lb kettlebell, and when I finish this challenge I’m going to try the 30 Days: 10,000 Kettlebell Swings challenge. Then I think I’ll purchase a 35 lb kettlebell and start over. I’m really feeling it in my thighs, groin, and lower back. I’m excited to feel it in my lower back because I really need to build some strength there to help with old injuries. But once I get into training myself to workout every day I’m really wanting to build more muscle. My desire is to become like my fitness god, Joe Manganiello. I mean look at this man:

Are you kidding me right now, Joe? #LifeGoals

Next post I plan on posting updates on changes and what not and I’ll do a little update on my kettlebell routine and let you know if it’s killing me or not.

Until then!

-Wes

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I never meant to be the greatest….

…I only ever wanted to be your baby.

I have been absent from my blog for far too long.

Lately I have thought a lot about blogging but have just not gotten around/taken the time to do it.

I always find something more important/less important to do.

Kass and I are celebrating our two year wedding anniversary at the end of the month. Last month we celebrated six years together. We’re doing really good. We, of course, have our ups and downs, but things are good. We just moved into a new place in July that we both really like. We turned the dining room into office space for the both of us, so we each have a nice deck and fancy matching chairs. We’re slowly decorating the place.

I’ve been cooking more, which I really enjoy. Most of the time.

Sometimes I just hate cooking.

But our new kitchen has so much more space its amazing.

We even started a little garden on our balcony. Mostly herbs this year, because we weren’t sure how it would go. And all the Bonnie’s tomato plants we bought, or attempted to buy, had blight. We talked to someone at Lowe’s and she said that pretty much every plant she saw from them had blight this year. So that was a no go. But I planted basil, oregano, sweet mint, peppermint, dill, thyme. And some roses. And then just some pretty wild flowers. It made the balcony so beautiful.

So I’ve been doing a lot of cooking in the new space, and using a lot of the herbs. Everything has been so fresh and tasty. And I’ve been doing mostly vegan cooking with has been really nice. Really adds to the freshness. I’ve been experimenting more and I think that I’m getting much better at cooking. It really awesome to spend time working on something and then have it come out to look and taste so amazing.

I’ve actually been thinking about creating a (mostly)vegan/diet/trans blog. Probably joined with this one. Maybe not. I’m thinking that maybe if I get a blog going maybe it will help me a little on days that I just want to cook shite. And also maybe it will keep me on track because I’m really trying to lose weight. And I would really like a trans fitness buddy, so I’m thinking maybe it will connect me with other trans folks who are also looking for the same thing. I really need the motivation. I’m not expecting them to push me, but I’m hoping that if I have someone relying on me, and I’m relying on them we can give each other props and maybe I’ll make a good friend at the same time.

I’m almost at a year a 11 months on T. It feels weird to think about.

I just feel like I’m in this weird mismatched gender limbo.

Sometimes I just wish that people inherently knew that I was trans, and wasn’t a boy or a girl. I just am.

2+ years in I’m still having a hard time getting used to everything. It catches me off guard when people call me ‘he’ or ‘sir.’ Sometimes I still get a little offended, and then I’m like, Oh right. I have a (one notch above shabby) beard. Of course you think I’m a ‘sir.’ Based on the signals I’m sending you, that’s what you’re supposed to think.

I don’t know. It’s still just very hard for me. I don’t know why. Kass has adjusted very well. She is having a much easier time with it than I am. I guess I maybe have this internalized transphobia. It wouldn’t hurt to know more people like myself. To have people that I can talk to. But I have a hard time liking and trusting people. The ones that I do end up liking and trusting end up being assholes. Trans, and cis alike.

And I’m lost like all of my guy friends from before. I mean, I had like three. Not a ton. Then I had like one. And he’s just kind of fallen off the face of the earth. I feel so alone. Sometimes I wish that I had someone to talk to. Aside from Kass. I tell her most everything. But sometimes I just wish I had a guy I could talk to. Or another trans guy that knew what I felt. In my head it feels like it would make things feel a little better.

On the plus side, my beard is filling in. Sadly though, I’m already getting grey whiskers. It’s so sad. I just get it and it’s already turning grey. But I’m not quite 28, and am already seriously considering getting some Just for Me. So I guess it would make sense that my beard is just following suite.

I also get a lot of whiskers that fall out. I always get several on my desk throughout the day, and they look like little wiry pubes. It always freaks me out for a second,

Who rubbed their ball sack on my desk?!

Oh, wait. That’s just from my beard.

So there’s that.

-Wes

Doin It By My Self

Tonight I gave myself my first self administered T shot!
Full disclosure, I had to use the tiny insulin needle to get the courage. But you know what, it doesn’t matter!
It only took me 16 weeks and Kass being too sick to want to do it for me to finally get the courage. And I am damn stoked.
Also, I’m kind of happy because the last three or four weeks we’ve been doing it I’ve been bleeding quite a bit. A friend of mine on Facebook said that his last shot he did it wouldn’t stop bleeding. He called his doctor because he was worried. There was noting when he aspirated, but when he pulled out it just gushed. His doctor said that it was ok, but that he knocked or went through a vein. He told him he would be fine, but that his body would metabolize it much faster and that he would experience sweats and “roid-rage.”
This made me feel a bit happy. I have been crazed lately. My road rage is back, I want to pick fights with people, I argue with my customers at work, Kass and I have been fighting because I’ve been acting like a dick and I’ve been sweating like the fuckin pig.
I’m glad to know why.
I’ve been a little worried that this was the ‘new’ me.
I didn’t bleed even a teeny tiny bit tonight so I’m really hoping that I will cool down a little bit.

Wes.

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A few new things…

Pleased to say that I missed my period for all of January. I am about 12 days late.

I think it is safe to say that it is not coming.

I’m really hoping that now that I don’t have the estrogyn fighting back that I will start seeing more changes.

This pleases me immensely.

I have been noticing more hair in places too.

  • My ankles and the tops of my feet
  • My chest, stomach, happy trail
  • The hair under my chin (which has always been there) is filling in a bit more and slowly moving up my chin
  • My sideburn area has speckles of hair coming in and my upper lip is a bit fuzzier.

My voice is also getting noticeably deeper.

We were laying in bed the other night and she mentioned that it was deeper. I can kind of hear it, but you never know how much is real and how much is in your own head. So she took a video of me talking.

Then we watched a video of me one week on T vs about 3 months.

The difference is unbelievable.

The next day at work I stopped by and talked to a supervisor I haven’t seen in a month or so and she told me I sounded sick. I told her I wasn’t and she was like oh yeah, you’re sick. I told her again, nope not sick. She turned and looked at me and I was smiling and she was like oh my god! Is that all you? I nodded yes and she high-fived me. I’m pretty excited. It makes me feel really good that people are noticing.

Looking forward to vacation here in a few months. Kass and I haven’t had a real vacation ever and so were planning a big one. Part of what we’re planning is to be in San Francisco over Pride. I’m really excited because this will be my second Pride ever and my first as a Transman. So I am really hoping to get a few more changes under my belt.

Also, I had this ratty old binder a friend of mine gave me when I first came out and it had seen way better days. Well, Kass got me two new binders from Underworks for Christmas. I was so excited I couldn’t even handle it. They work so much better and they don’t roll up as much. For the most part I look pretty flat or like I kind of have pecs (I have huge boobs), whereas my other one had gotten so stretched out I really just looked like I was wearing a sports bra.

I think that’s about all for now. Keeping my head up and on the lookout for more changes!

Wes.