I walk the Line

I caused a tiny fire storm in my family.

I seem to do it every few years. It’s not on purpose really, it’s just that I can’t always handle the way they do things. It gets to a point where I just get kind of fed up or someone does or says something and I have to say something. I find I have a little bit of a hard time letting things go. I’m not quite sure why. I just hold onto shit sometimes. I hold people to these really high standards and my family does not get any slack in that department. 

I was at work the other day and I posted these silly pictures of myself in the bathroom just kinda flexing and goofing around on Facebook. My aunt posted a comment on one saying that I still look the same to her. “Sorry baby” she said. About an hour after she posted it, it was deleted, but I had already seen it. I was really upset and really sat on it for a couple hours. Kass and I talked it over and we decided that maybe if I posted a video I would be able to address the things that were bothering me with her comment and with some comments that I had gotten from other people. Like ones who tell me that that like me better as my birth name, or like my birth name better. I have started telling those people that if they like it so much that is what we can start calling them. 

I decided to be really open in my video. Which was really hard to be that raw and honest from people that don’t actually really know me. I explained that if I were forced to stay a cisgendered woman and straight, that I would probably commit suicide. I don’t mean this in a “god, I would kill myself” sort of way. I mean it in a “my life was so unhappy when I had to pretend to be something that I was not, that if I felt for whatever reason I needed to be this way for the rest of my life I would probably enter such a deep depression and self loathing that there would really be nothing for me to live for” sort of way. I have felt this before. Sometimes I feel it now. I feel like damaged goods. Like I am broken or somehow an unacceptable form of a person. Like I am a freak. How else do you explain your parents turning their backs on you? 

Right?

So I explained that. I also told them that posts like that weren’t constructive and that of course I still look like me. I am “me.” Also I’ve only been on T for like 5 months and a week (Yay!), so at this point in time the changes are coming in slowly. By the end of the video my anger really came out. Basically I put out there that I was done trying to fit into everyones mold and that I was tired of following their rules and that I simply am done. I will not do it any more and that if any of them have an issue with who I am or what I am doing we can be done. Because I am done.

I got the response I wanted. And then some.

My aunt actually called me sobbing. She was a little drunk so I think she was more upset than she probably would have normally been, but in all honesty, it was nice to have someone hear me and feel what I was telling them. At first she kept calling me ‘she’ and by my birth name, which was kind of frustrating giving what we were discussing, but by the end she was calling me her ‘nephew Weston.’ That was really great. 

All I want is to be validated. 

On another note:

I got hit on by a gay man at work.

I was more pumped than I could ever begin to explain to you. He kept telling me how beautiful and deep my voice was and that he was so happy that he had been transferred to me so he could just sit there and listen to my beautiful deep voice. I couldn’t even believe it. I felt like I made it. You know you’ve reached your goal when a gay man hits on you. (Does that sound bad to anyone else?) If he had been sitting across from me, it would be another story, but over the phone I never get ma’am’ed.

Well… except for once last week. But then he got ma’am’ed, too. He was a little taken aback, but I think he got the hint. 

So as far as updates go there are a few.

The hair on my right temple seems to be thinning. I don’t know if I wrote about this before, but it is definitely thinner on the right side than the left. I am uber sad about this. I am just not sure if this is new or if I just never noticed it before.

My arms are getting hairier and they are also beginning to fill in more. It used to be just the tops that had hair, but not it is starting to fill in around to the bottoms. The tops are also starting the get thicker and its slowly creeping down my hands. 

The tops my my feet and toes are so hairy I can’t even handle it. My legs have always been hairy but spotty. Those spots are starting to fill in more like around my ankles and connecting to my feet, my knees are filling in and my thighs are starting to be covered. The hair is working its way up and down my thighs.

My stomach is so hairy. I am seriously going to be a bear. My chest is also super hairy. Most of the hairs are find but long. Except so this one super thick wiry black one right in the middle of my chest. 

My voice is getting much deeper. Some days it seems to drop so much I can hardly project and I have to keep clearing my throat. When I want to I can make it extremely deep. Other times I just sound like I’m croaking.

And last my not least… my business. I have not written about this yet. My sex drive is the same. Unreal. But my business. It is… growing. And boy am I excited. I have turned a 3ml syringe into a mini pump and have been using that to help things along. It is getting extremely thick at the base and I am just so excited. 

Well. I think thats all for now.

Night all.

Wes.

Just Man Up

I’ve been struggling with coming out at work. 

I hate being in this weird limbo stage. It kind of fucks with my head a little, being one person at work and someone different everywhere else. I have started coming out slowly to more people. I came out to a woman yesterday and she seemed supportive. But I know that she is a lesbian, so it felt like a safe bet. It’s the macho straight cis-guys that sit in the cubicles on either side of me that I would like to share my status with, but I am a little apprehensive to do so. I also almost came out in my team meeting on Wednesday, but I just could not get the nerve up.

I was talking about it with a younger woman I work with who knows. She stopped by my desk the other night to say good-bye. I was finishing up a phone call with a customer. She was telling me that she just couldn’t believe how much my voice has changed, but that she noticed it was significantly more feminine when I was on the phone. I explained that my ‘phone voice’ has always been that way, and it’s a really hard habit to break. Also, it’s been a little bit of a struggle to train myself to speak from my chest instead of my throat. Sometimes the rattling/vibrating feeling I get because my voice is much deeper reminds me that I’m doing it right, but out of habit I always revert back to my throat. I explained this to her, but she didn’t seem to understand. After 26 years, old habits die hard. We were also talking about my facial hair because I had shown her how well it was growing in. She asked if that was just me letting it grow and I explained that I shaved a few days ago, but that it’s coming in very quickly now and I’m just waiting for it to fill in. She told me that I just need to let it grow and see where it goes. I explained to her that since it is so visible, and since I don’t pass I am concerned with looking unkempt and it drawing people’s attention more. She told me to fuck what they think and asked, “But it’s that what you were going for? Didn’t you want facial hair?” I explained to her that I do, indeed, want facial hair, but that at this point in time I need to be careful. I am in this in-between faze and I am concerned for my safety and I am tired of being stared at, that the last thing I want is to draw even more attention to myself in general public. She said that she understood, but I realized she didn’t when she told me:

Just man up and do it.

This was really concerning to me and I realized that even people in our own community don’t understand. This more than ever makes me want to fight for education in our own community as well as with the general public. How can we expect the straight and cis-gendered community to see, understand and accept us if the people ‘most like us’ (if you will) don’t. I brushed it off at the time, and tried to explain once more my view, but she still didn’t seem to get it. The more I think about it though the more it bothers me.

A few new things…

Pleased to say that I missed my period for all of January. I am about 12 days late.

I think it is safe to say that it is not coming.

I’m really hoping that now that I don’t have the estrogyn fighting back that I will start seeing more changes.

This pleases me immensely.

I have been noticing more hair in places too.

  • My ankles and the tops of my feet
  • My chest, stomach, happy trail
  • The hair under my chin (which has always been there) is filling in a bit more and slowly moving up my chin
  • My sideburn area has speckles of hair coming in and my upper lip is a bit fuzzier.

My voice is also getting noticeably deeper.

We were laying in bed the other night and she mentioned that it was deeper. I can kind of hear it, but you never know how much is real and how much is in your own head. So she took a video of me talking.

Then we watched a video of me one week on T vs about 3 months.

The difference is unbelievable.

The next day at work I stopped by and talked to a supervisor I haven’t seen in a month or so and she told me I sounded sick. I told her I wasn’t and she was like oh yeah, you’re sick. I told her again, nope not sick. She turned and looked at me and I was smiling and she was like oh my god! Is that all you? I nodded yes and she high-fived me. I’m pretty excited. It makes me feel really good that people are noticing.

Looking forward to vacation here in a few months. Kass and I haven’t had a real vacation ever and so were planning a big one. Part of what we’re planning is to be in San Francisco over Pride. I’m really excited because this will be my second Pride ever and my first as a Transman. So I am really hoping to get a few more changes under my belt.

Also, I had this ratty old binder a friend of mine gave me when I first came out and it had seen way better days. Well, Kass got me two new binders from Underworks for Christmas. I was so excited I couldn’t even handle it. They work so much better and they don’t roll up as much. For the most part I look pretty flat or like I kind of have pecs (I have huge boobs), whereas my other one had gotten so stretched out I really just looked like I was wearing a sports bra.

I think that’s about all for now. Keeping my head up and on the lookout for more changes!

Wes.