Til 3005 I’ll be right by your side

So we don’t really do resolutions. If we’re going to do it, we do it. If we don’t, we don’t. For us getting fit, exercising more, eating better, etc., starts Monday. Not next year.

But this year we thought that we would try something a little different. Basically, we’re going to stop spending money on anything that’s not a necessity or an experience. We like to buy things. A lot. So we’ve decided that a least for the next year, we’re just not going to buy that extra stuff we don’t need.

I’ve also been meaning to sell some extra stuff that we don’t use. It’ll just help free up some space in the apartment, and we can stick it in savings.

I’ve also been working some extra jobs delivering. I usually deliver though DoorDash. I get to spend time in my car driving around listening to music, sometimes Kass comes with and we spend time together. It’s super easy and I do it whenever I want, which I really like. I just can’t commit to a second job.

We’re trying to save some money to buy a house or move or something, or both.

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Down on the West Coast they got a sayin’

It’s been a while since I’ve taken the time to write. Kass is taking time off from the blog as well, so for now I’m taking it over as my own. Though I’m sure she will still pop on every now and then. She’s had a lot of her own stuff going on between work and school and such.

So much has been going on. We went to California for two weeks back in June/July. It was amazing. I seriously want to move there now. We spent a few days in San Francisco and then we flew down to LA and hung out there. We did all the touristy things which I loved and drove around a bunch, went to the beach. I saw the guy that plays Turk from Scrubs at a barbecue joint our first night in LA, but that was our only celebrity sighting that we were sure of.

Turned 27 on October 20th.

December 22nd was my 1 year and 2 month anniversary on T. I’m pretty pleased. My wife says she really hears changes in my voice. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t. She says I sound totally different. I have been trying to keep up with pictures and recordings of my voice, but I just don’t honestly remember. I was going to do a one year voice change video but I don’t have enough, so I’m thinking I’ll make a two year video.

I am now one of the operators for the new Trans LifeLine, a for Trans* folk, by Trans* for crisis line. I’ve logged in a couple times, but haven’t gotten a call yet. I’ve been really sick with a bad cold and my asthma the last few weeks, so I haven’t really logged on because I just don’t feel like I would be as good as I should be for someone calling in a potential crisis. I am super proud of being a part of it though. I think it’s an amazing service and I’m glad that something like this has been created. If you or anyone you know needs help, do not hesitate to call.

http://www.translifeline.org  (877) 565-8860 in the US and (877) 330-6366 in Canada.

Kass and I had a pretty good Christmas. We opened our presents on Christmas Eve. I was supposed to go to work but stayed home because I’m sick. Sadly, I won’t get my holiday pay, but that’s ok. Kass found us an immediate care and pharmacy that was open, because she is super sick, too. The experience was less than favorable. The guy at the registration counter understood immediately that I was trans and when I asked if he could put a different name of my forms and he was like oh yeah, no problem. I thought man, this is going to go so smooth. And then I got called into triage, and into administration, and to go back to my room. And every. single. time. they called my legal name. Even though he wrote my name in bold at the top of my sheet and underlined it a bunch. By the third time I was about ready to throw down. I thought I was going to lose it. Kass and I both said something to the woman taking us back and she was like oh yeah, I saw that. Seriously? You saw it, but what? Just ignored it? I was livid. Then we get back into our rooms and the nurse comes to mine first and calls me by my legal name. I corrected her and she just ignored me. Then she went to Kass’ room and she asked if she had been to my room yet, and the woman told her no, even though she already had been. Kass told her that my preferred name is Wes and my preferred pronouns are he/his/him and that I’ve had it up to here with everyone saying my legal name and female pronouns. So when she came back in she was extra nice and kept calling me Wes. We got the name of the person in charge though and are going to call, because it was just not a great experience, it was so uncomfortable and could have been dangerous. I’m always on the look out for stuff like that. I hate that I prepare myself to get my ass kicked. Do I think I will? Probably not. But I hate that I feel like I have to be ready, just in case.

When we got back home we opened our gifts. I got her an acoustic guitar and cell phone case, a “Notorious Ruth Bader Ginsburg” shirt, and some other stuff and she got me a P-Style and a case, a bread maker, ice cream machine and some awesome cookbooks, one for my bread machine and one called Thug Kitchen that’s like a super cool food truck cookbook with foul language, an Oyster subscription and some other stuff. We’ve been hanging out playing Sims and SimCity and watching Lock Up and Roseanne marathons. Tonight I made a small ham, green bean casserole, and cheesy hash browns.

Tomorrow we’re going out to do a little shopping and I’m going to get stuff to make a couple loaves of bread. I also need a haircut something fierce and there is a pretty cook barbershop that I have really been looking to try out. It’s this kind of rockabilly place called Floyd’s 99.

Well, that’s what I’ve been up too. I’m going to make a point to write more frequently again.

And here is my day 1 on October 22, 2013 vs. 1 year, 1 month, and 1 week one testosterone.

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Date Night and some other things.

Kass and I are going out on a date tonight. We’re going to dinner and to see Arcade Fire. 

We haven’t been able to really go out out in a while, we’re either too busy with work and school or we were kinda broke for a while after paying for our wedding ourselves. 

I’m excited to be able to spend this time with her tonight. I’m also feeling really good because we get to dress up and I usually feel more confident dressed up than down. Also, I got my hair cut today which always makes me feel so much better about myself. A nice high and tight with a deep fade and my part buzzed in. Very classic.

The hair and clothes make the man. 

I’ve been outed more and more at work. Which is a good thing, and I generally haven’t had to do it. People either get it from my name change or they have heard around the way.

One of the supervisors at work came up to me the other night and told me that he really liked my name choice and asked me how it felt to be able to be myself. He told me that he thought it was really great that against all odds and judgement I could just be my true authentic self and that he thought I was very brave and a hero. 

I am grateful that I am receiving such positive feedback from people, but I am also very awkward because I do not feel like I am anything near a hero. I also feel a little bothered that I have to be brave or be viewed as brave. Why does being ones true authentic self have to be viewed as an act of bravery and valor? Why do others have to make it such a feat of strength to be yourself?

I have also been experiencing a lot of male privilege lately. Only on the phone at work, but that’s where I spend most of my time. My name and deepening voice passes for most people. The people that do still hear the female tones though ma’am me like nobodies business. I feel like they are sitting on the other end of the phone like, “oh, I know your game…. ma’am.”

But for most people they don’t even question it. And I have generally been treated so nice. People used to argue with me about what I could and couldn’t do for them and would demand things from me and argue with me about everything. It has really lessened. They will generally ask me “are you sure you can’t do xyz?” and I will tell them, yes I’m sure, and they will take it. It is nice to not have to argue constantly.

But I feel so much guilt over my male privilege. I have had to fight so hard to be seen and heard as a woman, and I know my wife still has to do it and all other women have to. But now I don’t. I now am getting it easier. And I feel like I don’t deserve it. Like I should still be fighting right along with them. 

I was trying to explain it to the not-so-informed lesbian that I work with the other day and she told me not to act so hard on myself and that I deserved it and was owed it and this was who I was and felt that I should be so I shouldn’t try to take it away from myself and yadda yadda yadda…

I tried so hard to explain that I wasn’t feeling guilty over being trans*, I was feeling guilty over my new found ease in dealing with people. That because people perceived me as a male I was ‘in’ and my thoughts we acceptable. But that if these same people were dealing with me face to face it would be totally different and they might feel cheated and lied to. But of course, she didn’t understand. Thankfully my wife gets it though. Or I think I would go mad. But she doesn’t think I should feel guilty either, but that I should enjoy it. And use it to my and women’s advantage. And I agree.

I will use my male powers for good!

Also, I’ve been keeping a list of all the fun things I’ve been called this week:

  • Son
  • Brother
  • Bro
  • Hero (I saved a sweet little old lady a ton of money on her bill)
  • A gentleman and a scholar (same with this little old lady)
  • Man
  • Dude (in a fratish, respectable sort of way)

I think that’s all of them. I loved the gentleman and a scholar. She told me that like four times. It was great.

Well, Kass is about ready so we are heading out.

Goodnight all.

Weston.

Texts with my mother.

My mom randomly texts me. It seems every time they get bad weather there she texts me. Maybe it makes her think of her mortality or mine. Or maybe she knows how much I keep track of the weather and that I am thinking of them secretly. I’m not sure. But in the last few months my mom has text me several times.

Last Friday she sent me a text. It just simply said

I love you. Mommy.

Normally I don’t respond because she has never responded to me. They just ignored the video that I sent them explaining why I needed space and had decided that I needed to take a break and stop speaking with them. How it broke my heart that my dad’s angry letter hurt Kass’ feelings and made her cry. How it hurt me that my mothers pedophile of a father walked her down the aisle even though he hated my dad and she loved him for that, but they couldn’t even be bothered to show up to mine. How I ache because they have just chosen to ignore the fact that I came out to them as transgender. But this day I decided to reply.

I love you too.

infinity & beyond

My mother commented back with something I always used to tell her as a child. Toy Story being one of my favorite movies growing up.

Yesterday she text me again. I couldn’t help but laugh. No matter how I try to show my parents who I am, I can never move them past 6 year old me. 

Just felt the need to tell you baby girl how much i love you. Mommy

It took me a long time to be able to reply to her. I had to carefully think about what I was going to say. It pains me to correct my mother. Even as a child I have always seen how delicate she was. I never wanted to break her even at a very young age. Talking to Kass we decided to go with the ‘sandwich’ technique. 

I love you too, mom. I do hope that you can begin using my preferred male pronouns like he/his/him and name Weston/Wes. But I do want you to know that I do love you and dad and texting you has been nice.

I didn’t honestly anticipate hearing back from her. I imagined her reading my text message at her desk in her back corner area in the basement she works in. The florescent bulb flickering above her casting light over her briefly and then washing her again in darkness while she broke into a thousand tiny pieces.

I was wrong however and she responded quickly.

You are my very, very beautiful daughter. When the doctors handed u to me they handed me my precious baby girl. U were created that way for a reason & purpose. I love you & texting you just to say i love you has been nice for me too.

At this point I began feeling upset. She was blatantly disregarding me as she always did.

It saddens me that no matter what you won’t see me beyond what you want. Did you view any of the links I sent you? Or see what Pat Robertson said? I know how much you like his views. It makes me sad that you both seem to be ok with the divide this has placed between us.

It saddened me that u created this divide yet feel that daddy & i r responsible 4 it. We have never changed & neither has our beliefs. I’m sorry we’re not what u want or expect as parents. Wendy.

I just want you to accept me. That’s all that I ask and I don’t think that’s too much to expect from one’s parents. I just need to be my true authentic self, and it’s unfortunate that is what makes or breaks us.

It is a rare occasion in my life where I can be very blunt with my mother. I believe that me taking a step back and taking care of myself and doing what I need for myself and living my life with the person I love has given me the new ability to do that.

Im sorry i do not believe thats who u are. Im sorry but i don’t. It was great to hear from u but b4 u hate me we best quit for the day. I love u so very much.

At this point I was shaking. I felt so much sadness and anger that I almost felt as though I would not be able to control myself.

I wish that you didn’t put that on me like that. But fine. I love you too. Tell dad that I love him too.

I read and reread my text & don’t know what i put on u. I guess a good sign that we stop for the day. I will tell daddy u love him. U can count on that for sure.

That I hate you. I don’t like that you put that on me. Why would I beg for your acceptance if I hate you. Thank you for telling him.

Honey thats not what i said. All i said was we need 2 stop 4 the day b4 u hated me. I don’t want 2 fight so i think we just step back & breathe. Thats all. Wendy.

I could not even respond after the last text. My mother, the Queen of Guilt, will no longer get to me. Not in the way that she wants. Not anymore.

I feel such sadness. I think that I am officially mourning the loss of my parents. Before now I always held out hope that if we spent enough time apart that they would see how much they missed me and realize that they didn’t care who I was with or what name I went by. That as their flesh and blood they would just love me and accept me because they actually did love me unconditionally. But I now realize that it is not true. My parents love the idea of me. I am now sure that they do not actually love me, though. They have not actually loved me as a person for a long time. Though this causes me great sadness, I can understand. Because I can honestly say that had I just met my parents as people on the street, I would not love them as people, either. Their narrow-minded values, their ignorance and their small town ideas are hurtful and unfortunate. 

Some days I wonder how I came from that. How did I grow up to be such a different person with different values and ideals? Where did I learn to despise those that I came from? How did I evolve past the things that I was taught were right? 

The conversation does make me question myself. And I hate that. I hate that decisions are always so hard for me that the slightest thing can strike fear in me and make me feel unsure. I know the feelings will subside just as they always do, but I hate that their unwillingness to see beyond themselves takes away my joy. Even if momentarily. 

I think the thing that causes me the most sadness is that I am viewed as being wrong, broken, a mistake. That I couldn’t possibly have been ‘created’ just the way that I am, to be this particular person at this particular time. 

As a teenager I felt so angry at a god that would allow myself, my mother and others to be sexually assaulted especially as children. My mother always told me that it happened for a reason. So that we could be strong and we could help others. That we could survive it and that maybe someone else wouldn’t be able to, but that we could be their rock. That it was ok.

But this, this is wrong. This was a mistake and was not supposed to have happened. This will not cause me to be strong for others. This will not help me save lives or change the world. I am a defect. I am broken. I am a monstrosity. 

If there is a religion or a god that is fine with sexual assault but is against my authentic self, that is nothing I have a desire to be a part of.

I want to make a difference

I want to write about something a little different today.

The same topic, but a little more outside myself and outside our household.

The world saddens me. I cannot help but feel sadness and fear whenever I read the news. And not real news, because that’s not real news. But news, about real people.

Like the little 10 year old Brony that tried to hang himself because people made fun of him because they thought he was gay because he like My Little Ponys.

Like the transgender girl that was set on fire because she wore a skirt to school.

Like every time I read that our community’s suicide and murder rates are exponentially higher than any other. That if the suicide rate were this high for the straight community, the government would call it a public health crisis.

 

I find that the further along I get in my transition, I feel more deeply. I feel more of a call to action. I feel like maybe can make a change in this world.

Recently I contacted my local Big Brothers Big Sisters chapter. I have wanted to be a Big all my life. I know that there are a lot of children out there in need of someone, anyone to support them and hang out with them more than they have.

But I don’t want just that. I want to help someone like me. Someone young and with no support. I want to save someone from taking the path that I did.

So I emailed BBBS and told them my story. I told them how and where I grew up. I told them that I started drinking and using drugs. I told them that I left home at the age of 19 and moved halfway across the country to spend two wasted years of my life with a woman that didn’t deserve my time and attention, just because I wanted to feel love from someone that I thought saw the real me. I told them about how I moved back home when I left her and my parents kicked me out two weeks later because they didn’t like that I brought my new girlfriend home one night. I told them about how instead of letting me be homeless this woman let me move to Minnesota with her, and moved me into her home despite the fact that we had only been dating for two weeks. I told them about the suffering and loneliness that I had endured. That I don’t speak to my parents. That I almost gave up. I told them about my transition. I told them that I wasn’t claiming that if I had a Big or someone in my corner to support me that I thought my life would have been different, that I thought I wouldn’t have felt so much heartbreak, that it wouldn’t have taken me so long to finally be where others are right out of high school when they have that support and encouragement, but I told them that I thought everything would be different. And that I wanted to give that to someone like me. That with everything going on in our society, I thought more children deserved more of a chance. That if we could start an LGBTQ chapter we could touch so many more lives. That we could tell these kids “We See You and We Care.”

I haven’t heard back from them yet.

I’m hoping that I do, because this is something that is very important to me. I don’t think that at this time in my life it is something that I can start on my own, and I’m not totally sure how I would go about doing that, but I really hope since they are already established, it is something that we can get going that way.

And I would be more than happy to be the first LGBTQ Big.

I just really want to make changes. I want to make this a better place to live. I want people to be happy, and I want to stop hearing heartbreaking stories about young children hurting each other and those kids feeling it necessary to end their lives.

Wes.

A few new things…

Pleased to say that I missed my period for all of January. I am about 12 days late.

I think it is safe to say that it is not coming.

I’m really hoping that now that I don’t have the estrogyn fighting back that I will start seeing more changes.

This pleases me immensely.

I have been noticing more hair in places too.

  • My ankles and the tops of my feet
  • My chest, stomach, happy trail
  • The hair under my chin (which has always been there) is filling in a bit more and slowly moving up my chin
  • My sideburn area has speckles of hair coming in and my upper lip is a bit fuzzier.

My voice is also getting noticeably deeper.

We were laying in bed the other night and she mentioned that it was deeper. I can kind of hear it, but you never know how much is real and how much is in your own head. So she took a video of me talking.

Then we watched a video of me one week on T vs about 3 months.

The difference is unbelievable.

The next day at work I stopped by and talked to a supervisor I haven’t seen in a month or so and she told me I sounded sick. I told her I wasn’t and she was like oh yeah, you’re sick. I told her again, nope not sick. She turned and looked at me and I was smiling and she was like oh my god! Is that all you? I nodded yes and she high-fived me. I’m pretty excited. It makes me feel really good that people are noticing.

Looking forward to vacation here in a few months. Kass and I haven’t had a real vacation ever and so were planning a big one. Part of what we’re planning is to be in San Francisco over Pride. I’m really excited because this will be my second Pride ever and my first as a Transman. So I am really hoping to get a few more changes under my belt.

Also, I had this ratty old binder a friend of mine gave me when I first came out and it had seen way better days. Well, Kass got me two new binders from Underworks for Christmas. I was so excited I couldn’t even handle it. They work so much better and they don’t roll up as much. For the most part I look pretty flat or like I kind of have pecs (I have huge boobs), whereas my other one had gotten so stretched out I really just looked like I was wearing a sports bra.

I think that’s about all for now. Keeping my head up and on the lookout for more changes!

Wes.

Thanksgiving, homework, shopping, work party.

Aside

Another packed week has gone by and begun for us. We are both finishing up our respective semesters and instead of enjoying our days off or the holiday, we have both been cramming in homework. Kass has taken a quick hiatus from the blog, only because she can’t keep up with posting and all of the reading she has to do and the papers she has to write.

Starting from the beginning of last week, I still cannot get the nerve to give myself my own shot. The thought of stabbing myself in the leg literally makes my muscles freeze.

Can’t.

Do.

It.

So, yet again Kass came to the rescue. She made me hold the needle, but she actually did it. I jumped and the needle stabbed all around in my thigh. It was actually kinda gross. Surprisingly enough there was zero blood. Any other time, quick in, quick out in a straight line and I bleed all over. What is up with my thigh?

Then for Thanksgiving, we spent the day at home together. We were supposed to go over to Kass’ dad’s and spend it with him, which would have been their first Thanksgiving together in about ten years. Short of the long, Kass’ dad is a chronic alcoholic. He called us last Saturday asking us for help because he had been drinking. He told us that he wanted to go to rehab. So we drove the forty-five minutes to go get him, took him to the hospital so they could take him to detox so we could then get the ball rolling to get him into rehab. After he got out of detox he pretty much wont answer any phone calls or texts. So he, as Kass put it, chose to sit home alone and pout on Thanksgiving rather then spend it with us. So that didn’t happen, and since I am still not speaking to my parents and my family is about five hours away, we just spent it at home together.

I made biscuits and gravy for breakfast and then we had ribs, lil smokies, god damn green bean casserole, and strawberry cheese cake. We got a bunch of other food too, but quickly realized that in our excitement the night before we had gone WAY overboard for just the two of us. We then did homework and watched movies. All in all it was a great Thanksgiving.

If you don’t count all the other stuff.

But as Kass says, before she met me she was eating gas station hot dogs on Thanksgiving. And before I met her I spent it with my ex and her family, and it always turned into this drunken angry brawl.

Our simple, sweet Thanksgivings at home, just us and our little cat, are so much better.

This weekend was my work holiday party. Kass and I have really been looking forward to it. We loving things like those. We went shopping yesterday for new clothes. I got a really nice winter sweater, the JFK kind with the three buttons on the top, and a new knit bow tie. Kass got a really pretty red party dress. We went to this little boutique by our house that has really pretty and cheap jewelry. We got a lot from there for her and our bridesmaids for our wedding, so we went back to get her some new jewelry for the party. This one sales women in particular is always really excited to see us. The problem is she is always “ladies, ladies, ladies!” It’s really uncomfortable. Then she asked what we needed the jewelry for. She had gendered me so much we both just stood frozen for a second. I could tell Kass was trying to figure a way to say, “we are going to his work holiday party” but just couldn’t get it out. I just jumped in quick and answered.

The party was so much fun. It was casino themed which was a lot of fun. We love the casino. We played poker and the ponys. We hung out with some people that we know and we attempted to win prizes. I was such a wonderful evening. Kass looked just gorgeous and it was so great being able to introduce her to everyone as “my wife, Kass.” I was so proud. I love going out with her.

One thing that has been bothering me a little is how the harder I try to represent myself as a male, the more I get called miss, ma’am, ladies, etc. It seemed like on Saturday while we were shopping we were “ladies,” and “you girls.” And then our friends that we were hanging out with this evening at the party both know I am trans. One of them is actually also trans, and he doesn’t say much. The other woman couldn’t seem to get anything right. She kept going between Weston and my given name, and kept calling me she. Kass noticed it more than I did I think and was pretty bothered by it since the woman has known longer than most people.

I’m not sure how to feel about all of this. I’m not sure if we are just more sensitive to it now, though we both don’t think this is the case. Or if people are being spiteful. Or if it is totally an unconscious effort on their part and they do it simply because they have figured me out. I’m not sure of the answer, I just know it’s kind of bothersome, and I’m not quite sure how to handle it. Or if I should even bother most of the time.

Weston.