I was born a Unicorn.

I sometimes think of myself as a Unicorn. This special mythical creature. Something that has to be created with magic. Something heard of but not often seen.

I was born a Unicorn.

 

I didn’t really take any pictures before I started my transition. And I regret that.

I did take a few pictures of my body but deleted them because I am so self conscious of my weight.

I wish that I would have just kept them. For me.

I also never thought to take pictures of my arms and chest and stomach and legs for hair and muscle growth. I wish that I would have because I know that there is change, but I would just like to see how much. Also, I find myself often saying, when did that happen?!

I have been keeping my transition somewhat private. I feel like it is such a personal thing, that I just haven’t shared to much with people. Unless they ask, because I do really love talking about it. But I also regret this, because I feel like people don’t totally understand my transition, and it causes me to sometime forget my transition and forget to watch the different steps of my transition.

I am two weeks away from my 6 months. That is really exciting. I decided that today I was going to shave my face, except my mustache, and leave it go for the next two weeks to see exactly where my facial hair is at for my 6 month mark. I am pretty excited.

I generally keep my face relatively shaved just because I feel awkward because people still perceive me as a woman, and so having so much facial hair I feel like they assume I am dirty or something, and that makes me feel very uncomfortable. But I think for the purpose of this, I am just going to try and deal with that feeling and move past it because I am really interested in the results.

And this after all is all about me, yeah?

I will post the results when they are in!

It’s been pretty warm here in the tundra upper Midwest. I have totally enjoyed being able to wear shorts and t-shirts the last few days. After the first week of March I refused to wear a coat anymore. I just can’t do it. I’m so done with winter, I’m starting to get really crabby.

The “winter blues” has always really affected me, but this year I feel like its a bit more than normal. I sometimes feel this over bearing gloom. I think that I have depression. My endo doctor gave me a psych and therapist referral, but I haven’t done anything with it yet. It just feels like too much work. I know that if I do it I will feel better, but I just feel like I have enough going on. And I have a hard enough time understanding my feeling, trying to explain them to someone just feels exhausting.

I recently found this guy on YouTube that shares his ‘perceptions’ of things. The video that I watched was on guilt, and how guilt isn’t an actual feeling but is attached to another feeling. This was actually really huge for me, because I often joke that I have Catholic guilt. I generally feel so much guilt for many things. Even just really small stupid things. A lot of it has come from growing up with my mother. I have dubbed her The Queen of Guilt. Many things I did were followed with a large sigh from her and something about how ‘that’s fine, I’ll just be alone, but you go with your friends/that’s ok, I’m just your momma/ooh… I understand/you’re just my best friend/etc.” I feel like that is really sick to do. The older I get I understand that a lot of things aren’t my fault and that I shouldn’t feel the guilt that I feel about things, but that it was pushed on me. That out of nurture, guilt has been assigned to many of my feelings and emotions. I just need to unlearn that behavior, which is very hard to do. The older that I get, the more understanding I gain from growing up with my parents. They weren’t awful people, they didn’t do drugs or hit me or mistreat me in a general sense. But there were a lot of things they pushed on me or hid from me, and I feel like that put a large damper on my person. I don’t want it to sound like I am blaming them for my mistakes, but I feel like there were a lot of learned behaviors that were not beneficial to helping me be the best person I could be. I have some changing to do, both physically and mentally.

Deep thoughts with Weston.

Day 107

I have began shaving rather frequently because my facial hair is starting to grow in a bit faster. I also noticed a day or two ago that my sideburn area is also getting furrier. Under my chin was always something that I had to shave, but now it is starting to come in a little more.

Tonight I went in to shave because it comes in spotty and since I still don’t really pass I get weird looks when people see how much facial hair I have. I’m sure they just assume that I am unkempt, which is fine, but I would prefer if they didn’t think that.

Anywho… before I shaved I decided to take some progress photos because I am pretty proud of how well everything is starting in already. 

This picture is the left side of my face, this side is doing better than the right. Both of the side burn pictures are about a week without shaving.

 

This is the right side. You can tell something is going on, but the camera doesn’t really pick it up. And you have to look really really close…

 

 

 

And this is my chin. This has never had an issue growing, its just getting more of it that I need. It is starting to move up my chin in two little patches on the side. I shaved this yesterday. Also, you can see the issues with acne that I am fending off. I really hoped I wouldn’t get any since I didn’t my first go around with puberty, but it’s trying.

 

And my mustache trying to get in on the action. This was shaved I believe two weeks ago.

 

And just because I feel super cool

 

So yeah. I am super proud of how far I’ve come up to this point and am really excited for all the further changes. 

I just had to share!

 

Wes.