I said I want a full house…

…they said you got it dude.

So about 3 years ago I posted about not being out at work and how hard that was for me. No one knew I was trans and still called me by my given name and still referred to me by female pronouns. I was really struggling.

It’s crazy how different things are now. I’ve been at my current job for nearly 2 years and I’ve only come out to HR, and one person that doesn’t work there anymore. While I think there are some people that know or are suspicious, no one has said anything. And since I’ve been there, two transwoman have come out. One in my department, and one that used to work in my department. Makes me feel good because when they both came out I really kept my ears open and no one said anything. At all. It was really reassuring.

I have decided though that I am not going to come out. I just feel more comfortable if it is not an open topic. Also, it’s no one’s business but my own.

But now I’m applying for a promotion and I’m really glad that I haven’t come out. Or made it official for anyone. I don’t want anything to undermine my skills, qualifications, or anything else. I desperately want this promotion. Right now I do technical support over the phone. Which is a great job; it pays good, most of the people I talk to are decent, it’s way better than Comcast, I like most of my co-workers, and my supervisor is freaking awesome. I’m just so tired of being on the phones. Also, I am really ready to advance my career. Even if this isn’t in my field. I’ve been doing a lot of research on resumes, objectives, and cover letters and how to sell your experience for a job that you have no experience in when you’re making a career change. I think I did a really good job with that. Now I’m just waiting, anxiously, to find out if they will interview me.

Now I’m just waiting, anxiously, to find out if they will interview me.

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I want money, and all your power, and all your glory.

I wanna take you for all that you got.

Ok.

So keeping up with writing has not happened. But. I’m procrastinating with my homework, so this seems as a good a time as any.

Kass and I went to California last June/July. I think I may have written about it. But it was amazing. Probably one of the best experiences I have ever had. I want to move there so bad. The dreariness of winter is killing me. It hasn’t been a bad winter by any means, but I just hate winter so much. And I’m ready to be around sun. Always.

I’m starting a new job on Monday. I’ve been applying for new jobs for the last year or so, but I’ve been super picky because I make decent money, and I carry our insurance. And it is really good insurance. But I just can’t do it anymore. Every day I fantasize about screaming at my asshole customers, ripping my headset off, and bashing my keyboard on my desk. Then as the letters fly around the call center, I jump up on my desk and shout “Fuck all of you!” I then jump off my desk, grab my shit, and walk out in a blaze of glory, fist pumping like Judd Nelson at the end of Breakfast Club.

But really, that probably won’t happen.

My last day is Saturday. They don’t know I’m quitting. I have Sunday off and then I put in for vacation on Monday. Just in case I really hate the new job. But I doubt it. It’s just customer service/tech support for truckers. I’m bomb at that. Not sales. Especially when my job isn’t supposed to be sales. Retention is not supposed to be sales. I’m supposed to make customers happy and feel appreciated, not shove more services down their throats when their already pissed. But giant telecommunications/cable company doesn’t understand this concept. So they’re on my ass because I don’t push sales. But I hate sales. And people call in so pissed at us anyway. I just can’t take it. I know logically I shouldn’t take it personally, but it’s really hard when you take 50+ calls a day and 30 of them call you every name in the book. Day in and day out.

Also, since I started there as female and by my given name, even though I’ve changed it, my name tag is different and everyone knows I’m trans they still call me ‘she’ and by my given name. Which I haven’t gone by in a year and a half. I have a decent scrubby beard coming in, I have a flat blinded chest, and a relatively deep voice, and most people I’m on teams with now didn’t even know my when I went as female. I’m tired of being uncomfortable.

So, because of this I’ve been applying for jobs exclusively as male. I actually got one through a temp agency, which makes me a little uncomfortable. I never go through them because I don’t like the 3 month temporary thing. It makes me uneasy. I originally declined the job. But this lady wanted me so bad that she talked to her supervisor and called me back the next day and offered me $3 more an hour if I would just come interview. So I did. And apparently they loved me. And they called me Weston and ‘he/him’ through the whole interview and every time they introduced me to other people. It was great. My name isn’t legally changed yet because I just haven’t taken the time. And I haven’t decided on a first name. I really wanted to keep my initials LB so I’ve been trying to decide on a new first name. I’ve decided Weston will be my middle name now, and I’m thinking Leonard for my first name. Kass loves that name. I really wanted Lincoln, but every one that I’ve told that too acts like I just barfed on their shoes. I don’t get it. But with Leonard I can go by Leo. And I have this obsession with Leonardo DiCaprio. Sometimes I joke that instead of being transgender, can I be transleonardo? So, this will help that fantasy a smidgeon… without seeming too creepy. So, I’ve been using Leo a little bit to get used to it, and I’m really feeling it. So I think I’m going to be Leonard Weston Ezrah B. I really want to middle names. Don’t Judge me. I’ve always wanted be able to use my initials like W. E. B. Du Bois. But I digress, my new job only knows me as Weston and male. Which makes me happy because I will be able to just use the men’s restrooms, and I know that if anyone she’s me they are being a bigot and I will need to deal with that when that comes up. But it won’t be overtime someone addresses me, which makes me really happy.

I’ve also been passing a lot lately. Which is really surprising to me. Because I do see any difference than two months ago when people kept sheing me. I have to stop for a second. Which some people seem to notice and it’s a little weird. But I have to take a second and make sure they’re talking to me. Or wait for them to think they’ve made a mistake and correct themselves. Which is so awkward. And humiliating.

I’ve been obsessively looking up beards on Pinterest. I just can’t wait until I have something full and awesome. I’ve also been preparing and learning how to properly maintain it and keep it clean, neat, and well shaped. I’m all ready. Kass signed me up for the Dollar Shave Club for Christmas. Their shave butter is amazing and I love their razors. I’m on the bimonthly plan, because I mostly just keep up my neck and cheeks to let it do it’s thing. I have let it go for two weeks though and it’s creeping down my neck pretty good. I think it’ll eventually meet my chest hair. You know, one day when that’s full as well. But that’s really coming in too. And I have a nice line of hair coming in down my belly. And my legs. Don’t even get my started on my leg hair. It’s amazing. My legs have always grown pretty dark and thick hair, but it had probably tripped and my thighs are pretty much covered and it just keeps getting thicker. Sometimes I pull my shorts up and just stare at my thighs. It’s glorious.

I also think my voice has dropped some. I’m not a singer or anything, but there’s a lot of ranges I can’t reach anymore. Just talking or calling my cat or trying to shout, I get this weird cracky, deep, screechy mess that comes out. I’ve always head really weak vocal cords anyway, sometimes just talking at work for 10 hours I start to lose my voice. I have to drink a lot of water, tea, and coffee. But now that my voice is deeper, my vocal cords seem to be able to handle even less.

I’ve also seen a little more growth below the belt. I pump a little. Nothing regularly. But I modified a syringe. I had to get a bigger one because I grew out of the smaller one I had. Which made me happy. I want to purchase one, but I just haven’t yet. It’s probably around 2-2.5 inches at its… fullest.

Kass and I have also gone predominately vegan. I’ve been feeling really good about it. It started because she got me a cookbook, Thug Kitchen (check that shit out), for Christmas that she didn’t realize was vegan. We were both a little apprehensive about it, but the recipes looked so damn good that we were like, ok, let’s give this a shot. It has worked out really well. She has always struggled with eating meat anyway. She has such a moral dilemma over it because of how so many animals are treated. Also, she once dissected a human cadaver in a friends medical class once, and now associates that with the meat she eats. And she sees their fuzzy little faces when she eats meat. I don’t. I’m like ‘hey, it’s a burger. Mmm… burger. This didn’t come from that cute fuzzy cow sitting across the table from me. Here cow, want a bite of my awesome burger? No? Okay, your loss.’ But I’ve noticed that since we have been eating vegan, I’m also become lactose intolerant. Which is odd, because I’ve always eaten a lot of dairy (this originally autocorrected to ‘hair products’. had to leave that in there) products. Now I drink milk or eat cheese and I’m sick for several hours later. It’s kind of a bummer, but I’m realizing that I’m feeling so much better when I’m eating straight vegan. I’ve even moved to getting soy or almond milk in my coffee and lattes. So. I think this is a really good change for me and us.

Whoa. That was long. Thanks if you made it to the bottom!

-Wes.

Date Night and some other things.

Kass and I are going out on a date tonight. We’re going to dinner and to see Arcade Fire. 

We haven’t been able to really go out out in a while, we’re either too busy with work and school or we were kinda broke for a while after paying for our wedding ourselves. 

I’m excited to be able to spend this time with her tonight. I’m also feeling really good because we get to dress up and I usually feel more confident dressed up than down. Also, I got my hair cut today which always makes me feel so much better about myself. A nice high and tight with a deep fade and my part buzzed in. Very classic.

The hair and clothes make the man. 

I’ve been outed more and more at work. Which is a good thing, and I generally haven’t had to do it. People either get it from my name change or they have heard around the way.

One of the supervisors at work came up to me the other night and told me that he really liked my name choice and asked me how it felt to be able to be myself. He told me that he thought it was really great that against all odds and judgement I could just be my true authentic self and that he thought I was very brave and a hero. 

I am grateful that I am receiving such positive feedback from people, but I am also very awkward because I do not feel like I am anything near a hero. I also feel a little bothered that I have to be brave or be viewed as brave. Why does being ones true authentic self have to be viewed as an act of bravery and valor? Why do others have to make it such a feat of strength to be yourself?

I have also been experiencing a lot of male privilege lately. Only on the phone at work, but that’s where I spend most of my time. My name and deepening voice passes for most people. The people that do still hear the female tones though ma’am me like nobodies business. I feel like they are sitting on the other end of the phone like, “oh, I know your game…. ma’am.”

But for most people they don’t even question it. And I have generally been treated so nice. People used to argue with me about what I could and couldn’t do for them and would demand things from me and argue with me about everything. It has really lessened. They will generally ask me “are you sure you can’t do xyz?” and I will tell them, yes I’m sure, and they will take it. It is nice to not have to argue constantly.

But I feel so much guilt over my male privilege. I have had to fight so hard to be seen and heard as a woman, and I know my wife still has to do it and all other women have to. But now I don’t. I now am getting it easier. And I feel like I don’t deserve it. Like I should still be fighting right along with them. 

I was trying to explain it to the not-so-informed lesbian that I work with the other day and she told me not to act so hard on myself and that I deserved it and was owed it and this was who I was and felt that I should be so I shouldn’t try to take it away from myself and yadda yadda yadda…

I tried so hard to explain that I wasn’t feeling guilty over being trans*, I was feeling guilty over my new found ease in dealing with people. That because people perceived me as a male I was ‘in’ and my thoughts we acceptable. But that if these same people were dealing with me face to face it would be totally different and they might feel cheated and lied to. But of course, she didn’t understand. Thankfully my wife gets it though. Or I think I would go mad. But she doesn’t think I should feel guilty either, but that I should enjoy it. And use it to my and women’s advantage. And I agree.

I will use my male powers for good!

Also, I’ve been keeping a list of all the fun things I’ve been called this week:

  • Son
  • Brother
  • Bro
  • Hero (I saved a sweet little old lady a ton of money on her bill)
  • A gentleman and a scholar (same with this little old lady)
  • Man
  • Dude (in a fratish, respectable sort of way)

I think that’s all of them. I loved the gentleman and a scholar. She told me that like four times. It was great.

Well, Kass is about ready so we are heading out.

Goodnight all.

Weston.

4 months and some days

Video

The last week I have been obsessed with this song. I can’t even handle it. So. Good.

Ok, have not updated in a week and quite a few things have happened that I am really pleased about.

First things first:

I came out to my whole team in our meeting last Thursday. It was really great. I was super scared to do it, but I did it and everyone was really supportive. They all actually applauded me. I felt like Ellen Page. I’m even allowed to go by my chosen name on the phones now and at work and my supervisor is still trying to get HR to get my email and chat name changed too.

Saturday was my four months on T. It feels like I just started, but it also feels like it’s been forever. Such a strange feeling.

Today I had my third appointment with my endo. She said that all my labs are great and the my testosterone levels are in the normal male range. On the very low side, but in the actual male range. And she upped my dosage. So I am now on 60ml once a week. I am really excited.

We also discussed my mental health and some other concerns that I have had. The first two times I saw her I wasn’t sure how I felt about her, she’s just very straight forward and blunt, but this time I didn’t feel rushed and we just got to sit and talk. It was really nice. She gave me a referral for a psych consult and a new therapist since I don’t like the one I got my T letter from anymore. And she didn’t judge me for telling her I’ve been feeling depressed. Which I was really worried she would be like oh, you’re not stable, we shouldn’t raise your dosage, but she didn’t do anything like that. She was just really respectful and we talked about it and she let me know what she thought. Which I had talked to Kass about and was already planning on going to a psychiatrist, but I felt better to tell my doctor because I generally lie to them. So I liked being able to be honest with her. Next time I come in she is going to run some additional labs because I have been having the worst Charlie horses and she isn’t sure why and then she is going to do a full physical. Which I am not excited about, but glad that it will be with her and I don’t have to explain my ‘situation’ to someone new. How awkward.

In all the last week has been pretty good and I’m happy with the outcome across the board.

Coming out at Work.

So the other day I posted about having some issues with not being out at work. I was struggling really bad and I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to tell someone or I felt like I might walk of my job. And that was absolutely not an option.

So. Come out it is!

Out of a roughly 500 employee building maybe 5 people knew or so. One of them being a supervisor that I had the beginning of last year. I IMed her and told her that I really needed to talk, that I was going to explode and that somehow, someone needed to help me come out and use my chosen name. She put me in her calendar for 4pm. 

After my lunch I raced up to the third floor and waited. I waited for about 15 minutes and decided that she probably forgot. I was feeling a little furious by this point so I headed back to my desk. My current supervisor IMed me when I got back and asked her if I could come see her. She had a call for me to listen to. A customer complained about me because I wasn’t able to lower his bill. She said that was all she had for me and asked if I had anything. I asked her if we could talk in private. She we went to an office and shut the door. When I came out to the last supervisor, I thought I was going to pass out. I started seeing spots and felt light headed. My ears were ringing. This time, I just sat down and told her.

I’m transgender. And I need your help.

She looked a little surprised, but not so surprised.

She told me that she was glad I came to her and she went right to work helping me sort everything out. My original supervisor told me that HR told her that I would not be allowed to change my name until it was legally done. This was last May before I had even gotten my letter. I sucked it up and was fine with it. But now that I am in this odd stage, my voice dropping, growing facial hair, etc., I just can’t handle the thought of addressing myself with such a female name anymore. The thought was debilitating. And it was honestly affecting my work and in turn my commission. 

My new supervisor came back to me about 30 minutes late. She had gone directly to HR and told them what I needed as a transgender employee. They were totally fine with it and she said they seemed to not even remember saying no the first time. Which is great, albeit a little frustrating. In the meantime the other supervisor had tracked me down and apologized for missing out meeting, she was pulled into her supervisor’s office and was reprimanded (She is actually a really good supervisor, but she has quite a mouth on her and if she sees something that she doesn’t like or doesn’t think is right, she will quickly say something and it gets her in trouble. Often.) So she pulled me aside and we talked. She said that she and my new supervisor would tag team HR to get this resolved because the last thing she wanted was for me to feel uncomfortable at work.

So my new supervisor is now working on getting my name changed for my email address and in our IM system and she got me a new name tag for my desk. In the next supervisor meeting she is going to let everyone know so that I don’t have to and she said that it will get around, and I don’t need to worry about it, and that she will field as many questions for me as she can. I am going to let my team know in our meeting tomorrow. I am a little nervous to come out to about 15 people at once, but I think that most of them will be ok with it. I actually had to two macho guys that sit in the cubes on either side of me as me what I had started calling myself. I told them Wes. One of the guys is in a wheelchair and he told me that he wanted to start going by Hot Wheels. So for the rest of the day that’s what we called him. The guy that sits on the other side started using Wes right away. He then asked me if that was what I wanted him to do and I told him I would appreciate it. Later that evening he asked me why I had picked Wes and what it stood for. I explained it was short for Weston and then I took a deep breath and told him I am actually transgender and I wanted a very old school masculine sounding name.

He looked me in the eye, held out his fist to fist bump me and said “You do what you do, you’ve always been cool to me.” 

And that was it.

If coming out can always be this easy with that great of a response I would like that please and thank you.

This has however caused some weird feelings for me. Whenever I come out to someone and I feel that it is really important, I always question myself over and over for a while after that. 

Is this really what I want? What if I changed my mind? Do I really like the name I picked? How do I know I want to be a man?

hate that I do this to myself. But it seriously happens like every time. It’s really frustrating. I did it again this weekend. All weekend I questioned myself and my motives and felt so uncomfortable. I try to avoid talking about this as much as possible. Maybe because I don’t want it to take away points from my “trans enough” status or something, I don’t know. But I finally opened up to Kass about it last night. She could tell there was this nervous energy radiating off of me. That and my Trichotillomania got a little intense yesterday. I pulled out like half of my eyelashes sitting at work (only partially exaggerating). She told me that she thinks that it is because we are told that we have to be normal. And the more that I come out and assert who I am the less “normal” I become. That she thinks that being shunned one to many times has caused me to question my every move when it comes to being different from ‘everyone else.’ I think that she is right. It has been really hard. I hate feeling like I am so different. She asked me if this is what I really want or if I am maybe second guessing and if I think I am changing my mind. I told her that I am pretty sure this is what I want, but that I’ve just been feeling upset. She told me that she will always support me and that if I decide to stop where I am at, she is ok with that and that I will just have a deeper voice and will be a little hairier but that whether I continue on or not, she will always support me.

When she talks to me and tells me things like that it always reassures me of two things. That I love her so much and that I am doing the right thing. I think I just get so wrapped up in my head and I get so scared sometimes of being different and standing out. It frightens me. Risking the people are close to me and my potential safety. But I know that this is really what I need.

 

Wes.