I was born a Unicorn.

I sometimes think of myself as a Unicorn. This special mythical creature. Something that has to be created with magic. Something heard of but not often seen.

I was born a Unicorn.

 

I didn’t really take any pictures before I started my transition. And I regret that.

I did take a few pictures of my body but deleted them because I am so self conscious of my weight.

I wish that I would have just kept them. For me.

I also never thought to take pictures of my arms and chest and stomach and legs for hair and muscle growth. I wish that I would have because I know that there is change, but I would just like to see how much. Also, I find myself often saying, when did that happen?!

I have been keeping my transition somewhat private. I feel like it is such a personal thing, that I just haven’t shared to much with people. Unless they ask, because I do really love talking about it. But I also regret this, because I feel like people don’t totally understand my transition, and it causes me to sometime forget my transition and forget to watch the different steps of my transition.

I am two weeks away from my 6 months. That is really exciting. I decided that today I was going to shave my face, except my mustache, and leave it go for the next two weeks to see exactly where my facial hair is at for my 6 month mark. I am pretty excited.

I generally keep my face relatively shaved just because I feel awkward because people still perceive me as a woman, and so having so much facial hair I feel like they assume I am dirty or something, and that makes me feel very uncomfortable. But I think for the purpose of this, I am just going to try and deal with that feeling and move past it because I am really interested in the results.

And this after all is all about me, yeah?

I will post the results when they are in!

It’s been pretty warm here in the tundra upper Midwest. I have totally enjoyed being able to wear shorts and t-shirts the last few days. After the first week of March I refused to wear a coat anymore. I just can’t do it. I’m so done with winter, I’m starting to get really crabby.

The “winter blues” has always really affected me, but this year I feel like its a bit more than normal. I sometimes feel this over bearing gloom. I think that I have depression. My endo doctor gave me a psych and therapist referral, but I haven’t done anything with it yet. It just feels like too much work. I know that if I do it I will feel better, but I just feel like I have enough going on. And I have a hard enough time understanding my feeling, trying to explain them to someone just feels exhausting.

I recently found this guy on YouTube that shares his ‘perceptions’ of things. The video that I watched was on guilt, and how guilt isn’t an actual feeling but is attached to another feeling. This was actually really huge for me, because I often joke that I have Catholic guilt. I generally feel so much guilt for many things. Even just really small stupid things. A lot of it has come from growing up with my mother. I have dubbed her The Queen of Guilt. Many things I did were followed with a large sigh from her and something about how ‘that’s fine, I’ll just be alone, but you go with your friends/that’s ok, I’m just your momma/ooh… I understand/you’re just my best friend/etc.” I feel like that is really sick to do. The older I get I understand that a lot of things aren’t my fault and that I shouldn’t feel the guilt that I feel about things, but that it was pushed on me. That out of nurture, guilt has been assigned to many of my feelings and emotions. I just need to unlearn that behavior, which is very hard to do. The older that I get, the more understanding I gain from growing up with my parents. They weren’t awful people, they didn’t do drugs or hit me or mistreat me in a general sense. But there were a lot of things they pushed on me or hid from me, and I feel like that put a large damper on my person. I don’t want it to sound like I am blaming them for my mistakes, but I feel like there were a lot of learned behaviors that were not beneficial to helping me be the best person I could be. I have some changing to do, both physically and mentally.

Deep thoughts with Weston.

T shots, parents and bathrooms

So last night as Kass said, I attempted to do my own shot. Unfortunately, it did not happen, so after about 12 minutes or so, Kass came to the rescue. Shot number five was then and only then a success.
Today I feel a little over and underwhelmed, as well as a bit emotional.
I’m not sure if I’m just having a totally unrelated moody day or if it has to do with my hormones. Normally I would be getting my period anywhere between now and roughly the next five days. I’m going to assume I am getting it seeing as this is only day 30 on T, but my period is already so light and short that I wouldn’t really be surprised if it was already gone. Besides feeling low today, I have not had any other symptoms, so I guess we will just be surprised.
yay.
I’m also feeling a little stressed out over my parents. I have not spoken to them in about 6 months. The last time we spoke they refused to come to our wedding. I knew at that time that I was going to be transitioning, but I was still in therapy and had not gotten my T letter yet. My therapist told me not to rush it and that we would work on telling them. Well when they refused I just couldn’t do it any more. They always treated Kass like crap and in hopes that they would come around I didn’t really call them in it. They also have made it very clear throughout my life that they refuse to see me as the person I am. My mother always made it very clear that she would not come to the wedding, but my dad promised he would about two years prior to our actual date. When I told him we were finally getting married and he told me that he would not be there, I could no handle it any more. I have refused to speak with them and they have more or less refused to speak with me. My dad did send a nasty letter in August, I think he was a little butt hurt I ignored his birthday, and he sent a text on my birthday and then my mom sent a birthday card from them. I’ve ignored everything, I just can’t do it any more.
Now I have decided to send them a video. That way they can see me, they know that it is coming from me, and I can lay everything out.
From this I am expecting a backlash. They will not take it laying down, nor I’m sure will there be pleasantries.
I have been attempting to plan out and record the video for about 2 weeks now but I just have not been able to bring myself to do it. It feels like too much sadness to force myself to do it.
One other thing I’m having a hard time with is switching back and fourth between my ‘old’ identity and my ‘new’ identity. At home and out I am male and Weston. At work I am female and have to legally go by my given name until I change it. It becomes a bit of a mindfuck for me because I feel like I don’t know who I am.
I am also concerned about restroom usage at work. Well really everywhere, but at work many people know me. There is one unisex restroom on each floor but they are prime for pooping alone, so many times when I try to use it I have to instead go to the women’s anyways. This causes me great concern when I begin passing. What will they allow me to do? How will I discuss this with them? What are my bathroom rights?

Thanks all.
Wes.