I said I want a full house…

…they said you got it dude.

So about 3 years ago I posted about not being out at work and how hard that was for me. No one knew I was trans and still called me by my given name and still referred to me by female pronouns. I was really struggling.

It’s crazy how different things are now. I’ve been at my current job for nearly 2 years and I’ve only come out to HR, and one person that doesn’t work there anymore. While I think there are some people that know or are suspicious, no one has said anything. And since I’ve been there, two transwoman have come out. One in my department, and one that used to work in my department. Makes me feel good because when they both came out I really kept my ears open and no one said anything. At all. It was really reassuring.

I have decided though that I am not going to come out. I just feel more comfortable if it is not an open topic. Also, it’s no one’s business but my own.

But now I’m applying for a promotion and I’m really glad that I haven’t come out. Or made it official for anyone. I don’t want anything to undermine my skills, qualifications, or anything else. I desperately want this promotion. Right now I do technical support over the phone. Which is a great job; it pays good, most of the people I talk to are decent, it’s way better than Comcast, I like most of my co-workers, and my supervisor is freaking awesome. I’m just so tired of being on the phones. Also, I am really ready to advance my career. Even if this isn’t in my field. I’ve been doing a lot of research on resumes, objectives, and cover letters and how to sell your experience for a job that you have no experience in when you’re making a career change. I think I did a really good job with that. Now I’m just waiting, anxiously, to find out if they will interview me.

Now I’m just waiting, anxiously, to find out if they will interview me.

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Back in the saddle

So I have not been good at writing lately.

But I have good news because after a lot of tests, the doctors finally figured out what was wrong with me.

My gallbladder was only functioning at 13%. So December 17th they removed it. It’s been great. No more mystery side pain. No sickness after every time I eat. Almost no heartburn. And surprisingly, almost no more migraines. I’ve had maybe three or four since my surgery. I usually get that many (or more) in a week. It’s been almost life changing.

I still have days like yesterday where I wake up so nauseous I can hardly function for about two hours. Or like today where I have zero appetite and the thought of food makes me ill. But apparently those are because of the bile my liver is pumping directly into my stomach instead of the gallbladder holding onto it. I guess it makes you sick if theres too much of it.

So I didn’t really cook for a while. And then after my surgery I hardly ate and then it took me a while to really want to cook again. So we ate a lot of Boca and MorningStar stuff. Or pizza. There’s a FamilyVideo/pizza place like two blocks from us and they will deliver movies with your pizza. And return your movies when they go. So, sometimes we’re weak and do that…

But I am trying really hard to start a fitness routine. Currently I am embarking on the 30 Days: 5,000 Kettlebell Swings challenge. I just finished day 3 and boy can I feel it. But it’s awesome because Friday I felt like I was going to die doing 45 in a row. Yesterday I did 55 in a row and the about 20 minutes later did another 10 and then immediately did 70 in a row. Today I plowed through 80. I’m taking a rest because I am not feeling well, like I said, and then I’m going to try and do another set of about 40. Right now I’m using a 15 lb kettlebell, and when I finish this challenge I’m going to try the 30 Days: 10,000 Kettlebell Swings challenge. Then I think I’ll purchase a 35 lb kettlebell and start over. I’m really feeling it in my thighs, groin, and lower back. I’m excited to feel it in my lower back because I really need to build some strength there to help with old injuries. But once I get into training myself to workout every day I’m really wanting to build more muscle. My desire is to become like my fitness god, Joe Manganiello. I mean look at this man:

Are you kidding me right now, Joe? #LifeGoals

Next post I plan on posting updates on changes and what not and I’ll do a little update on my kettlebell routine and let you know if it’s killing me or not.

Until then!

-Wes

Doctor Doctor

Thursday I have to have a colonoscopy and another endoscopy.

I’m technically three years overdue for my colonoscopy. Three years ago my dad was having some issues, so he went to the doctor. They decided to do a colonoscopy and say some polyps. They took care of those and screened them and they were pre-cancerous. So they were going to go in and take out 2-inches of his colon. When they got in there it was worse than they thought, and they ended up taking out 22-inches. He was in the ICU for a month because his bowels ended up getting twisted and they didn’t realize for almost 3 weeks. He ended up having another surgery to resolve the issue.

His doctor told him that since he was so young (48 at the time) it was necessary that his siblings and his kid get a colonoscopy right away. I’ve put it off and put it off.

At first it was just because I was like hey, I’m 24. I’ll be totally fine. Then it became that I avoided it out of fear. I had an endoscopy around the time that he had his surgery for an ulcer and they didn’t put me under enough. Then instead of keeping me quite, they kept talking to me, much like a dentist does when they’re in your mouth. Except there was this tube down my throat. So I kept gagging and panicking. Then after coming out as trans, I really hate the idea of people being down there.

But then I started to have the same symptoms that he had. I’ve been really sick lately. Which is part of the reason I started a mainly vegan diet. Sometimes it seems like meat is the issue. Sometimes I seem lactose-intolerant. Sometimes I seem gluten-intolerant. Often after eating, no matter what it is, I am very ill for several hours.

But I found a really great lesbian doctor that knows the gastro doctor and says she trusts her 100%. She even said that she would talk to her for me before my appointment so I wouldn’t have to come out to her myself. Which makes me so very happy. And they are going to use MAC sedation so I will be out. Kass isn’t thrilled with this, and really wants to be in the room, but I really don’t want her to see me like that. I just keep assuring her (and myself) that everything will be fine, and there wont be any funny business. Or mocking.

So now I am preparing for about two and a half days of no eating, and lots of broth, jell-o, and Miralax-spiked-Gatorade.

Wish me luck.

-Wes

I never meant to be the greatest….

…I only ever wanted to be your baby.

I have been absent from my blog for far too long.

Lately I have thought a lot about blogging but have just not gotten around/taken the time to do it.

I always find something more important/less important to do.

Kass and I are celebrating our two year wedding anniversary at the end of the month. Last month we celebrated six years together. We’re doing really good. We, of course, have our ups and downs, but things are good. We just moved into a new place in July that we both really like. We turned the dining room into office space for the both of us, so we each have a nice deck and fancy matching chairs. We’re slowly decorating the place.

I’ve been cooking more, which I really enjoy. Most of the time.

Sometimes I just hate cooking.

But our new kitchen has so much more space its amazing.

We even started a little garden on our balcony. Mostly herbs this year, because we weren’t sure how it would go. And all the Bonnie’s tomato plants we bought, or attempted to buy, had blight. We talked to someone at Lowe’s and she said that pretty much every plant she saw from them had blight this year. So that was a no go. But I planted basil, oregano, sweet mint, peppermint, dill, thyme. And some roses. And then just some pretty wild flowers. It made the balcony so beautiful.

So I’ve been doing a lot of cooking in the new space, and using a lot of the herbs. Everything has been so fresh and tasty. And I’ve been doing mostly vegan cooking with has been really nice. Really adds to the freshness. I’ve been experimenting more and I think that I’m getting much better at cooking. It really awesome to spend time working on something and then have it come out to look and taste so amazing.

I’ve actually been thinking about creating a (mostly)vegan/diet/trans blog. Probably joined with this one. Maybe not. I’m thinking that maybe if I get a blog going maybe it will help me a little on days that I just want to cook shite. And also maybe it will keep me on track because I’m really trying to lose weight. And I would really like a trans fitness buddy, so I’m thinking maybe it will connect me with other trans folks who are also looking for the same thing. I really need the motivation. I’m not expecting them to push me, but I’m hoping that if I have someone relying on me, and I’m relying on them we can give each other props and maybe I’ll make a good friend at the same time.

I’m almost at a year a 11 months on T. It feels weird to think about.

I just feel like I’m in this weird mismatched gender limbo.

Sometimes I just wish that people inherently knew that I was trans, and wasn’t a boy or a girl. I just am.

2+ years in I’m still having a hard time getting used to everything. It catches me off guard when people call me ‘he’ or ‘sir.’ Sometimes I still get a little offended, and then I’m like, Oh right. I have a (one notch above shabby) beard. Of course you think I’m a ‘sir.’ Based on the signals I’m sending you, that’s what you’re supposed to think.

I don’t know. It’s still just very hard for me. I don’t know why. Kass has adjusted very well. She is having a much easier time with it than I am. I guess I maybe have this internalized transphobia. It wouldn’t hurt to know more people like myself. To have people that I can talk to. But I have a hard time liking and trusting people. The ones that I do end up liking and trusting end up being assholes. Trans, and cis alike.

And I’m lost like all of my guy friends from before. I mean, I had like three. Not a ton. Then I had like one. And he’s just kind of fallen off the face of the earth. I feel so alone. Sometimes I wish that I had someone to talk to. Aside from Kass. I tell her most everything. But sometimes I just wish I had a guy I could talk to. Or another trans guy that knew what I felt. In my head it feels like it would make things feel a little better.

On the plus side, my beard is filling in. Sadly though, I’m already getting grey whiskers. It’s so sad. I just get it and it’s already turning grey. But I’m not quite 28, and am already seriously considering getting some Just for Me. So I guess it would make sense that my beard is just following suite.

I also get a lot of whiskers that fall out. I always get several on my desk throughout the day, and they look like little wiry pubes. It always freaks me out for a second,

Who rubbed their ball sack on my desk?!

Oh, wait. That’s just from my beard.

So there’s that.

-Wes

Top Surgery Fund

Hello all!

I have not updated in a while. Whew. We’ve been so busy. 

Right now I am working really hard on getting funding for my chest surgery. I am so ready for it, and so pumped. 

I’ve created a GoFundMe page to raise as much money as I can. I am hoping to be able to have my surgery by this time next year but I am not sure if that will happen. 

I would love for everyone to take a look at my page and would appreciate any shares and donations!

Thanks all!
Promise to update soon!

Wes.

I was born a Unicorn.

I sometimes think of myself as a Unicorn. This special mythical creature. Something that has to be created with magic. Something heard of but not often seen.

I was born a Unicorn.

 

I didn’t really take any pictures before I started my transition. And I regret that.

I did take a few pictures of my body but deleted them because I am so self conscious of my weight.

I wish that I would have just kept them. For me.

I also never thought to take pictures of my arms and chest and stomach and legs for hair and muscle growth. I wish that I would have because I know that there is change, but I would just like to see how much. Also, I find myself often saying, when did that happen?!

I have been keeping my transition somewhat private. I feel like it is such a personal thing, that I just haven’t shared to much with people. Unless they ask, because I do really love talking about it. But I also regret this, because I feel like people don’t totally understand my transition, and it causes me to sometime forget my transition and forget to watch the different steps of my transition.

I am two weeks away from my 6 months. That is really exciting. I decided that today I was going to shave my face, except my mustache, and leave it go for the next two weeks to see exactly where my facial hair is at for my 6 month mark. I am pretty excited.

I generally keep my face relatively shaved just because I feel awkward because people still perceive me as a woman, and so having so much facial hair I feel like they assume I am dirty or something, and that makes me feel very uncomfortable. But I think for the purpose of this, I am just going to try and deal with that feeling and move past it because I am really interested in the results.

And this after all is all about me, yeah?

I will post the results when they are in!

It’s been pretty warm here in the tundra upper Midwest. I have totally enjoyed being able to wear shorts and t-shirts the last few days. After the first week of March I refused to wear a coat anymore. I just can’t do it. I’m so done with winter, I’m starting to get really crabby.

The “winter blues” has always really affected me, but this year I feel like its a bit more than normal. I sometimes feel this over bearing gloom. I think that I have depression. My endo doctor gave me a psych and therapist referral, but I haven’t done anything with it yet. It just feels like too much work. I know that if I do it I will feel better, but I just feel like I have enough going on. And I have a hard enough time understanding my feeling, trying to explain them to someone just feels exhausting.

I recently found this guy on YouTube that shares his ‘perceptions’ of things. The video that I watched was on guilt, and how guilt isn’t an actual feeling but is attached to another feeling. This was actually really huge for me, because I often joke that I have Catholic guilt. I generally feel so much guilt for many things. Even just really small stupid things. A lot of it has come from growing up with my mother. I have dubbed her The Queen of Guilt. Many things I did were followed with a large sigh from her and something about how ‘that’s fine, I’ll just be alone, but you go with your friends/that’s ok, I’m just your momma/ooh… I understand/you’re just my best friend/etc.” I feel like that is really sick to do. The older I get I understand that a lot of things aren’t my fault and that I shouldn’t feel the guilt that I feel about things, but that it was pushed on me. That out of nurture, guilt has been assigned to many of my feelings and emotions. I just need to unlearn that behavior, which is very hard to do. The older that I get, the more understanding I gain from growing up with my parents. They weren’t awful people, they didn’t do drugs or hit me or mistreat me in a general sense. But there were a lot of things they pushed on me or hid from me, and I feel like that put a large damper on my person. I don’t want it to sound like I am blaming them for my mistakes, but I feel like there were a lot of learned behaviors that were not beneficial to helping me be the best person I could be. I have some changing to do, both physically and mentally.

Deep thoughts with Weston.

I walk the Line

I caused a tiny fire storm in my family.

I seem to do it every few years. It’s not on purpose really, it’s just that I can’t always handle the way they do things. It gets to a point where I just get kind of fed up or someone does or says something and I have to say something. I find I have a little bit of a hard time letting things go. I’m not quite sure why. I just hold onto shit sometimes. I hold people to these really high standards and my family does not get any slack in that department. 

I was at work the other day and I posted these silly pictures of myself in the bathroom just kinda flexing and goofing around on Facebook. My aunt posted a comment on one saying that I still look the same to her. “Sorry baby” she said. About an hour after she posted it, it was deleted, but I had already seen it. I was really upset and really sat on it for a couple hours. Kass and I talked it over and we decided that maybe if I posted a video I would be able to address the things that were bothering me with her comment and with some comments that I had gotten from other people. Like ones who tell me that that like me better as my birth name, or like my birth name better. I have started telling those people that if they like it so much that is what we can start calling them. 

I decided to be really open in my video. Which was really hard to be that raw and honest from people that don’t actually really know me. I explained that if I were forced to stay a cisgendered woman and straight, that I would probably commit suicide. I don’t mean this in a “god, I would kill myself” sort of way. I mean it in a “my life was so unhappy when I had to pretend to be something that I was not, that if I felt for whatever reason I needed to be this way for the rest of my life I would probably enter such a deep depression and self loathing that there would really be nothing for me to live for” sort of way. I have felt this before. Sometimes I feel it now. I feel like damaged goods. Like I am broken or somehow an unacceptable form of a person. Like I am a freak. How else do you explain your parents turning their backs on you? 

Right?

So I explained that. I also told them that posts like that weren’t constructive and that of course I still look like me. I am “me.” Also I’ve only been on T for like 5 months and a week (Yay!), so at this point in time the changes are coming in slowly. By the end of the video my anger really came out. Basically I put out there that I was done trying to fit into everyones mold and that I was tired of following their rules and that I simply am done. I will not do it any more and that if any of them have an issue with who I am or what I am doing we can be done. Because I am done.

I got the response I wanted. And then some.

My aunt actually called me sobbing. She was a little drunk so I think she was more upset than she probably would have normally been, but in all honesty, it was nice to have someone hear me and feel what I was telling them. At first she kept calling me ‘she’ and by my birth name, which was kind of frustrating giving what we were discussing, but by the end she was calling me her ‘nephew Weston.’ That was really great. 

All I want is to be validated. 

On another note:

I got hit on by a gay man at work.

I was more pumped than I could ever begin to explain to you. He kept telling me how beautiful and deep my voice was and that he was so happy that he had been transferred to me so he could just sit there and listen to my beautiful deep voice. I couldn’t even believe it. I felt like I made it. You know you’ve reached your goal when a gay man hits on you. (Does that sound bad to anyone else?) If he had been sitting across from me, it would be another story, but over the phone I never get ma’am’ed.

Well… except for once last week. But then he got ma’am’ed, too. He was a little taken aback, but I think he got the hint. 

So as far as updates go there are a few.

The hair on my right temple seems to be thinning. I don’t know if I wrote about this before, but it is definitely thinner on the right side than the left. I am uber sad about this. I am just not sure if this is new or if I just never noticed it before.

My arms are getting hairier and they are also beginning to fill in more. It used to be just the tops that had hair, but not it is starting to fill in around to the bottoms. The tops are also starting the get thicker and its slowly creeping down my hands. 

The tops my my feet and toes are so hairy I can’t even handle it. My legs have always been hairy but spotty. Those spots are starting to fill in more like around my ankles and connecting to my feet, my knees are filling in and my thighs are starting to be covered. The hair is working its way up and down my thighs.

My stomach is so hairy. I am seriously going to be a bear. My chest is also super hairy. Most of the hairs are find but long. Except so this one super thick wiry black one right in the middle of my chest. 

My voice is getting much deeper. Some days it seems to drop so much I can hardly project and I have to keep clearing my throat. When I want to I can make it extremely deep. Other times I just sound like I’m croaking.

And last my not least… my business. I have not written about this yet. My sex drive is the same. Unreal. But my business. It is… growing. And boy am I excited. I have turned a 3ml syringe into a mini pump and have been using that to help things along. It is getting extremely thick at the base and I am just so excited. 

Well. I think thats all for now.

Night all.

Wes.