I was born a Unicorn.

I sometimes think of myself as a Unicorn. This special mythical creature. Something that has to be created with magic. Something heard of but not often seen.

I was born a Unicorn.

 

I didn’t really take any pictures before I started my transition. And I regret that.

I did take a few pictures of my body but deleted them because I am so self conscious of my weight.

I wish that I would have just kept them. For me.

I also never thought to take pictures of my arms and chest and stomach and legs for hair and muscle growth. I wish that I would have because I know that there is change, but I would just like to see how much. Also, I find myself often saying, when did that happen?!

I have been keeping my transition somewhat private. I feel like it is such a personal thing, that I just haven’t shared to much with people. Unless they ask, because I do really love talking about it. But I also regret this, because I feel like people don’t totally understand my transition, and it causes me to sometime forget my transition and forget to watch the different steps of my transition.

I am two weeks away from my 6 months. That is really exciting. I decided that today I was going to shave my face, except my mustache, and leave it go for the next two weeks to see exactly where my facial hair is at for my 6 month mark. I am pretty excited.

I generally keep my face relatively shaved just because I feel awkward because people still perceive me as a woman, and so having so much facial hair I feel like they assume I am dirty or something, and that makes me feel very uncomfortable. But I think for the purpose of this, I am just going to try and deal with that feeling and move past it because I am really interested in the results.

And this after all is all about me, yeah?

I will post the results when they are in!

It’s been pretty warm here in the tundra upper Midwest. I have totally enjoyed being able to wear shorts and t-shirts the last few days. After the first week of March I refused to wear a coat anymore. I just can’t do it. I’m so done with winter, I’m starting to get really crabby.

The “winter blues” has always really affected me, but this year I feel like its a bit more than normal. I sometimes feel this over bearing gloom. I think that I have depression. My endo doctor gave me a psych and therapist referral, but I haven’t done anything with it yet. It just feels like too much work. I know that if I do it I will feel better, but I just feel like I have enough going on. And I have a hard enough time understanding my feeling, trying to explain them to someone just feels exhausting.

I recently found this guy on YouTube that shares his ‘perceptions’ of things. The video that I watched was on guilt, and how guilt isn’t an actual feeling but is attached to another feeling. This was actually really huge for me, because I often joke that I have Catholic guilt. I generally feel so much guilt for many things. Even just really small stupid things. A lot of it has come from growing up with my mother. I have dubbed her The Queen of Guilt. Many things I did were followed with a large sigh from her and something about how ‘that’s fine, I’ll just be alone, but you go with your friends/that’s ok, I’m just your momma/ooh… I understand/you’re just my best friend/etc.” I feel like that is really sick to do. The older I get I understand that a lot of things aren’t my fault and that I shouldn’t feel the guilt that I feel about things, but that it was pushed on me. That out of nurture, guilt has been assigned to many of my feelings and emotions. I just need to unlearn that behavior, which is very hard to do. The older that I get, the more understanding I gain from growing up with my parents. They weren’t awful people, they didn’t do drugs or hit me or mistreat me in a general sense. But there were a lot of things they pushed on me or hid from me, and I feel like that put a large damper on my person. I don’t want it to sound like I am blaming them for my mistakes, but I feel like there were a lot of learned behaviors that were not beneficial to helping me be the best person I could be. I have some changing to do, both physically and mentally.

Deep thoughts with Weston.

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I walk the Line

I caused a tiny fire storm in my family.

I seem to do it every few years. It’s not on purpose really, it’s just that I can’t always handle the way they do things. It gets to a point where I just get kind of fed up or someone does or says something and I have to say something. I find I have a little bit of a hard time letting things go. I’m not quite sure why. I just hold onto shit sometimes. I hold people to these really high standards and my family does not get any slack in that department. 

I was at work the other day and I posted these silly pictures of myself in the bathroom just kinda flexing and goofing around on Facebook. My aunt posted a comment on one saying that I still look the same to her. “Sorry baby” she said. About an hour after she posted it, it was deleted, but I had already seen it. I was really upset and really sat on it for a couple hours. Kass and I talked it over and we decided that maybe if I posted a video I would be able to address the things that were bothering me with her comment and with some comments that I had gotten from other people. Like ones who tell me that that like me better as my birth name, or like my birth name better. I have started telling those people that if they like it so much that is what we can start calling them. 

I decided to be really open in my video. Which was really hard to be that raw and honest from people that don’t actually really know me. I explained that if I were forced to stay a cisgendered woman and straight, that I would probably commit suicide. I don’t mean this in a “god, I would kill myself” sort of way. I mean it in a “my life was so unhappy when I had to pretend to be something that I was not, that if I felt for whatever reason I needed to be this way for the rest of my life I would probably enter such a deep depression and self loathing that there would really be nothing for me to live for” sort of way. I have felt this before. Sometimes I feel it now. I feel like damaged goods. Like I am broken or somehow an unacceptable form of a person. Like I am a freak. How else do you explain your parents turning their backs on you? 

Right?

So I explained that. I also told them that posts like that weren’t constructive and that of course I still look like me. I am “me.” Also I’ve only been on T for like 5 months and a week (Yay!), so at this point in time the changes are coming in slowly. By the end of the video my anger really came out. Basically I put out there that I was done trying to fit into everyones mold and that I was tired of following their rules and that I simply am done. I will not do it any more and that if any of them have an issue with who I am or what I am doing we can be done. Because I am done.

I got the response I wanted. And then some.

My aunt actually called me sobbing. She was a little drunk so I think she was more upset than she probably would have normally been, but in all honesty, it was nice to have someone hear me and feel what I was telling them. At first she kept calling me ‘she’ and by my birth name, which was kind of frustrating giving what we were discussing, but by the end she was calling me her ‘nephew Weston.’ That was really great. 

All I want is to be validated. 

On another note:

I got hit on by a gay man at work.

I was more pumped than I could ever begin to explain to you. He kept telling me how beautiful and deep my voice was and that he was so happy that he had been transferred to me so he could just sit there and listen to my beautiful deep voice. I couldn’t even believe it. I felt like I made it. You know you’ve reached your goal when a gay man hits on you. (Does that sound bad to anyone else?) If he had been sitting across from me, it would be another story, but over the phone I never get ma’am’ed.

Well… except for once last week. But then he got ma’am’ed, too. He was a little taken aback, but I think he got the hint. 

So as far as updates go there are a few.

The hair on my right temple seems to be thinning. I don’t know if I wrote about this before, but it is definitely thinner on the right side than the left. I am uber sad about this. I am just not sure if this is new or if I just never noticed it before.

My arms are getting hairier and they are also beginning to fill in more. It used to be just the tops that had hair, but not it is starting to fill in around to the bottoms. The tops are also starting the get thicker and its slowly creeping down my hands. 

The tops my my feet and toes are so hairy I can’t even handle it. My legs have always been hairy but spotty. Those spots are starting to fill in more like around my ankles and connecting to my feet, my knees are filling in and my thighs are starting to be covered. The hair is working its way up and down my thighs.

My stomach is so hairy. I am seriously going to be a bear. My chest is also super hairy. Most of the hairs are find but long. Except so this one super thick wiry black one right in the middle of my chest. 

My voice is getting much deeper. Some days it seems to drop so much I can hardly project and I have to keep clearing my throat. When I want to I can make it extremely deep. Other times I just sound like I’m croaking.

And last my not least… my business. I have not written about this yet. My sex drive is the same. Unreal. But my business. It is… growing. And boy am I excited. I have turned a 3ml syringe into a mini pump and have been using that to help things along. It is getting extremely thick at the base and I am just so excited. 

Well. I think thats all for now.

Night all.

Wes.

Week 7

Hello all!
So as far as changes we are looking at about the same stuff.
Except one thing.
Yesterday, Kass and I were in the car and I was driving. I looked over at her because we were talking. She told me to look away.
She looked at me and then told me you’re getting a mustache.
I flipped the visor down so fast.
I do have one!
It’s of course just peach fuzz, but it is so much furrier than it was!
I am more than excited.
Also, I got my first piece of mail today with my chosen name. Kass sent me a picture of it. I’m pretty happy.
Tuesday I go to my endo doctor for my second visit. I really want her to up my dose. I feel a little screwed since I was started so low, but I’m trying not to feel that way. I did get my blood drawn on Saturday, so I’m hoping everything comes back fine. I’m so ready to be out of this limbo stage. No one believes me because I do not pass at all so I just get weird looks.
Everyone knows my name at the coffee shop we go to and the manager asked what Wes stood for. I told her Weston and she was like oh yeah hmm…ok. I couldn’t help but feel stupid. Like we both knew I wasn’t fooling anyone. It always makes me so stupid. Like what am I getting at?
I’m sure most guys feel this way in the beginning. I feel so happy sometimes, but then others it gets me down.
Anyway, just holding out and waiting.

Weston.

They build buildings.

Aside

So this is week 6, shot 7. I still am not able to give myself my own shot. I watched an entire movie today, Toolbox Murders (good B horror film with Angela Bettis, the woman who played May), in hopes that I would be able to distract myself long enough to give myself my shot. I even laid on my side with the syringe in my hand hoping that it would just:

ooop… slip right into my thigh.

It did not.

So when Kass got home from work she administered the shot. Thank the universe for her.

I had a pretty bad migraine earlier this week. I had to leave work early on Monday because it was just so bad. I hope I’m just a little under the weather and it isn’t the T bringing them back. I used to be on medication for them, but it effected my word recall, which effected my job. When I stopped taking it, they were just magically gone. Now I generally only get them during that special time of the month.

Saturday I get my blood drawn to check all of levels for the first time. Tuesday I have an appointment for my finger. I jammed it on Halloween. We thought I broke it, but x-rays said no. It still causes me a lot of pain and I cant use it all the way. And it looks funny. Like the side of it has this weird thing sticking out. So I’m going to an orthopedic hand specialist. And Kass has to get an MRI or CT (I forget which is which) on her leg Tuesday as well. And then the next Tuesday, the 17th I got back to my endocrinologist. Fingers crossed she is going to up my dosage because I have not seen any changes at all.

Well, except one.

Or two.

First one is hot flashes. I so warm all the time now, which is a really nice change from being cold all the time.

Except in the middle of the night when I wake up and the mattress is so hot from my body it feels like it is giving my skin second degree burns.

Then it’s not so awesome.

And then there’s my libido.

That is a whole other story.

It’s not like it was ever dormant before. It has always been a very active thing. But now it’s almost constant. Like can’t focus on anything but my crotch constant. I haven’t noticed any changes in size or anything, and Kass took a peek the other day and said it didn’t look any different, but it feels thicker to me. Also I have noticed orgasms are way more intense and last longer.

Which is super awesome.

Oh, and I think I smell more. Like I used to not always year deodorant. But now I’ve been noticing if I don’t right out of the shower, I smell within an hour.

And I’ve been kinda crabby this week. Not sure if that’s related, but I have been.

So I guess there are a few changes.

Just not the ones I’m looking forward to…

Wes.